kay wow. I just commented on the get wet post with something similar, but I have a similar yet somewhat opposite situation to you. I grew up similar, mom who preached the ‘don’t have sex until you’re married’, yet I grew up knowing all the details of her sex life. I knew what a cat suit was (and it wasn’t with cute ears and a tail) and what a butt plug was by the time I was old enough to understand (5?), my mom would show me websites and yet I would get in trouble when I was caught looking into the porn stash i found on our computer. I knew about sexual things that now, at the age of 24 and newly married, I should just be starting to experience. I didn’t wait for marriage, like most ‘wildly sexual beings’ teenagers don’t and I learned how vanilla I truly am because of what i was introduced when I was younger. I basically got the whole show with a mom who said ‘uh uh, don’t touch!’. At the age of 15 (reeling after being sexually molested by my stepfather), my crazy religious mother, we were converted Muslim at the time, tried to marry me off to a 30 year old surgeon. Why you ask? She said if I didn’t now, I’d be pregnant soon anyways. At least this was the ‘right’ way to do things. (At this point, the secret boyfriend I had had nicknamed me ‘freeze’ because I wouldn’t let him kiss me.) HOW DAMAGING IS THAT!? So. Many. Things. Long story short, I threw myself into my faith (I’m a Christian, but a non crazy, ‘wants to show my daughter to be safe in her sexuality’ kinda Christian. A cool one? I️ dunno.) and into counseling. I struggle with the guilt... oh so much the guilt. I have to remind myself that I’m a consenting adult and that, even in christianity, sex between a husband and wife is a GOOD thing. And I’m ALLOWED to be doing this. And. When my husband isn’t home, I’m ALLOWED to touch myself. That all of this is okay. I married an amazing southern boy, who’s traditional in all the right ways and, some of my more ‘worldly’ views (like, teaching my daughter safety over purity) are going to clash eventually. But, he’s patient with me and doesn’t force sex because he ‘needs’ it. But, is open with me that he wants me... and that’s been HUGE. (It’s good to feel wanted, sexually, in a safe way when you’ve gone through so much negativity sexually.) But. This is all self guided. Imma take you ladies up on your awesome links and check out some of these posts. Oh, and maybe write a book.
Gracie’s Story (but like, her actual name.)