At this point in his life, Monoma wasn’t really used to having regrets. For the most part, he was taught to live his life without bothering with such a pesky thing. Ruminating on something he couldn’t change had no place in his life, that’s what he was always taught.
Lately, though, he couldn’t help but think about things. It was an odd and uncomfortable feeling.
Like, he wished he had bothered to spend a little more time with Kirishima when he’d had the chance. Not because they’d lost him, though he was sure the weight of that regret would have been unbearable, but because he didn’t quite know what to bring him when he went to visit his room. He probably could have asked beforehand, but... he ended up in front of the boy’s room without thinking the whole way there, clutching hard onto a plastic bag.
He took in a breath, then knocked at the hospital room door as he let himself inside.
*hands you a coupon for 75% off a massage from a professional* You should need some time to relax for a bit. A lot of stressful stuff has been happening. Not to mention the whole neck hitting thing has to have been bad for you to begin with. Sorry about all these anons asking you such personal things!
...
Oh.
... Thank you.
... It’ll be a little hard to resist the urge to give this to someone a little more deserving. I really wasn’t the most injured person in the attack...
@ua-todoroki
Mostly prisoner. I think they'll kick me out soon, though.
ua-monoma
Good to hear.
Goddamn, though... They sure are taking their time with you.
ua-todoroki
Most of it was Endeavor. I think he's finally reaching the conclusion everyone else on earth made within a week that nothing can be done except time.
ua-monoma
Wow. Took him that long, huh.
ua-todoroki
Not surprising.
He's dense.
If anything this just proved that he cares more about my quirk than he cares about me.
ua-monoma
I'd say...
ua-todoroki
I've never seen him so passionate about someone other than himself.
Then again. It wasn't passion for me as much as just my quirk.
Haha.
ua-monoma
... Is this the part where I'm supposed to laugh too? Or am I allowed to just continue to sit here in contemplative horror.
Because, honestly, the latter is more in-character for me.
ua-todoroki
You can't multitask?
ua-monoma
... God I hate you as a person.
ua-todoroki
Oh, is that why you messaged me?
... And visited me?
Multiple times.
ua-monoma
It.. wasn't that many times.
ua-todoroki
It was more than once.
ua-monoma
Mhm... it WAS more than once... you know how to count... very proud of you...
ua-todoroki
Thank you, I take pride in my education.
ua-monoma
As you should, as you should. I'm sure you've only ever gotten the greatest.
ua-todoroki
Why would I ever be given anything else.
ua-monoma
Oh, I don't know. I don't know your life story.
Not entirely, anyway.
Somehow.
Despite how much of it you force onto me,
ua-todoroki
Force?
ua-monoma
Too strong a word?
How about... push.
Or impel.
Whatever synonym makes you feel better.
ua-todoroki
I can stop mentioning it if you want.
ua-monoma
???
No, it's fine. I'm teasing you.
ua-todoroki
Oh.
Right.
ua-monoma
If I was actually bothered, do you really think you would have heard the end of it... I wouldn't shut up 'til you stopped, heheh...
ua-todoroki
... You're right.
If you don't want me to stop then how do you feel about it?
ua-monoma
Ah?
Well.
The information itself is uncomfortable. Kind of increasingly so.
It's... always been hard, trying to reconcile that image you've been painting of him with what I've known for so long.
But it's good to know it. I'm glad to. I... suppose you can say I like being told about it.
In a weird way... Might be a little weird, I don't know.
ua-todoroki
That makes sense.
I don't think of it that way. I guess that's because I've always known.
ua-monoma
Yeah. It would be hard to visualize, I'm sure...
ua-todoroki
If you want to know anything else you can ask.
ua-monoma
... I was never, like, a fan of Endeavor's. I respected him at a time but I had other heroes I liked better, but I... at a time, I... could relate, at least a little bit. To the fact that he was trying his hardest but his image was so smeared for so long by the media.
Cases like that always got to me. I never liked that he was sort of bullied by the public opinion.
... Now I don't give a shit, obviously.
ua-todoroki
Makes sense.
He's lucky he gets off so easy with the media.
ua-monoma
Luck has something to do with it, yeah. I'm sure his PR team works very hard.
ua-todoroki
Far too hard for what they're paid.
ua-monoma
I bet...
ua-todoroki
At least he's nicer to them than he is to me.
I use the term nice very loosely.
ua-monoma
Yeah. I shudder to think what working under him would be like.
I've heard... plenty of rumors.
ua-todoroki
I'm willing to bet most are true.
ua-monoma
Terrible...
ua-todoroki
And yet. He's at the top.
ua-monoma
Yeah........................
It's fucked.
ua-todoroki
Something like that.
Seeing him more recently has reminded me why I was so quick to get out of the house when I could.
ua-monoma
Right. ...
You have to go back soon, wouldn't you? Once winter break starts. Or were you planning on just staying at the school still for that..
ua-todoroki
That's true. I'm sure it wouldn't matter. He might bitch for a second but as long as I see Natsuo and Fuyumi it'll be fine.
What are you doing?
ua-monoma
Ah, right... Are those your siblings? Hm....
Doing... for break? I haven't decided yet...
ua-todoroki
They are.
We should spend time together at some point.
ua-monoma
Oh.
Yeah... We could.
I assumed I was gonna see you anyway.
All the festivities... PR events... charities or what have you... I get dragged to a few every year so I assumed I'd see you at one of those.
ua-todoroki
Wanted to make it final.
ua-monoma
Hmmmm. Alright.
ua-todoroki
Seeing you in passing at an event isn't the same.
ua-monoma
I suppose it's not...
...heheh.
ua-todoroki
What?
ua-monoma
>:3
You want to see meeee~
ua-todoroki
So?
ua-monoma
>:3c
It's adorable.
ua-todoroki
Not really.
ua-monoma
So, so cute~
ua-todoroki
It's not cute.
ua-monoma
Yes it is~
ua-todoroki
What's so cute about it? It's just seeing you.
ua-monoma
Oh, I'll spare you the explanation~ I don't want to overwhelm you with the details, heheh...
Bet you're flustered enough as it is.
>:3
ua-todoroki
No, no. Please explain. I'm not flustered.
ua-monoma
It's cute... because you wanting to see me means you miss me when I'm not there. Heheh.
ua-todoroki
Sometimes.
ua-monoma
Sometimes is more than never~
ua-todoroki
It's mostly just missing company.
ua-monoma
Deflecting.
You have friends, don't you?
ua-todoroki
You're one of them.
ua-monoma
Oh...
Am I?
ua-todoroki
...? Yes?
ua-monoma
Mhmm.... I see....
ua-todoroki
That's a surprise to you?
ua-monoma
Yes, well... I might've lost my memo on the subject in the mail or something...
ua-todoroki
Well here it is.
ua-todoroki
Tada.
ua-monoma
Wow... Amazing.
🎉
ua-todoroki
Glad that was cleared up.
ua-monoma
Ahaha...
... I have a question for you now...
ua-todoroki
Oh?
ua-monoma
Yes.
ua-todoroki
Then.. ask.
ua-monoma
You.............. are aware that 'friends' aren't supposed to hate each other, right?
ua-todoroki
Oh.
ua-monoma
I'm just wondering. Because I know you're still learning certain things.
Social cues, and such.
If there was another memo I missed, however, now would be a great time to catch me up, I suppose....
... And by that, I mean...
... Now is a perfect time to finally confess your undying love for me...
ua-todoroki
Haha. Funny.
I guess it's just because the last times I've seen you haven't been... violent. Or bad.
If they were then that was another memo missed.
ua-monoma
No, no, no memo or whatever...
I'm not gonna kick a man while he's down, Todoroki. 'Course I've been... non-violent. Or whatever.
ua-todoroki
Yet you still came to see me. When you knew it wouldn't be like that.
ua-monoma
... I did, yes...
ua-todoroki
Which... sounds like a friend thing to do.
ua-monoma
Alright alright, I see your point...
ua-todoroki
To conclude... friends. Or something similar enough.
ua-monoma
Fine, fine, fine... One of those.
ua-todoroki
Cool.
ua-monoma
... That stays between us, though. I don't need everyone bringing this up constantly to me...
ua-todoroki
Why would that even be a problem?
ua-monoma
Because I don't think you've noticed but people like to use every little detail about my life against me.
ua-todoroki
I meant me talking about it. Because I have noticed that.
ua-monoma
Hh.... Whatever, okay. Tell everyone if you want to.
Shout it from the rooftops.
ua-todoroki
No. I won't talk about it. I'm not stupid.
ua-monoma
Then why ask...
ua-todoroki
Guess I worded it wrong. Me keeping a secret isn't an issue.
ua-monoma
Oh.
... Good, I guess.
ua-todoroki
If I'm not the one beating you up I'm not a fan. So.
ua-monoma
Thank you. That means a lot.
ua-todoroki
Does it?
ua-monoma
Absolutely. Warms my heart. It's what I dream to hear, every night.
ua-todoroki
Glad I make your dreams come true.
ua-monoma
That sounds so weird coming from you, omf.
ua-todoroki
Is the truth that hard to hear?
ua-monoma
Oh my god....
ua-todoroki
A shame. I thought you wanted to know about my undying love.
ua-monoma
Mm... The moment's passed. Atmosphere just isn't right for it anymore...
ua-todoroki
Right. The atmosphere.
ua-monoma
Yes. Obviously.
ua-todoroki
Exactly what should the atmosphere be for undying love confessing?
ua-monoma
Oh right, I forgot you wouldn't be much of an expert, huh...
Mood lighting. Romantic music. A few strategically placed rose petals... I hope you're writing these all down.
ua-todoroki
Wait wait wait let me get a notepad.
ua-monoma
Well hurry up, I don't have all night...
ua-todoroki
Okay... be patient, I'm a hospitalized man...
ua-monoma
Yeah yeah, excuses...
ua-todoroki
Got it. Continue.
ua-monoma
Right.
Obviously, setting is very important... Should be somewhere spectacular...
And expensive.
ua-todoroki
Right right okay... yeah... spectacular... and expensive... how expensive?
ua-monoma
The truer the love, the more money you'd spend to express it...
ua-todoroki
Well I'm not about to blow my entire inheritance on some person.
ua-monoma
Damn. Thought you loved me :/
ua-todoroki
"The truer the love, the more money you'd spend" :/
ua-monoma
... Yeah???
ua-todoroki
And I wouldn't spend that much on you.
ua-monoma
Ouch. :/
ua-todoroki
Sorry :/. Just not my type :/.
ua-monoma
Wow, okay. :/ After all I've done for you...
ua-todoroki
I can't help it :/.
ua-monoma
You can stop making that face now :/
ua-todoroki
I don't want to :/.
ua-monoma
Fuck.
Guess you're stuck like this forever, huh... :/
ua-todoroki
I guess so :/. Is that like a second quirk? :/
ua-monoma
Oh yes... I have several, obviously.
ua-todoroki
Right... obviously... and what would they be? Is making people hate you one, or just a natural talent?
ua-monoma
Oh, that... That's just a gift that's been passed down my family for generations.
ua-todoroki
So.... a quirk.
ua-monoma
No, dummy. It's... an art form.
ua-todoroki
You must practice a lot to be this good at it.
ua-monoma
Oh yes. What better way to spend your childhood than making absolute sure everybody hated even the idea of you.
ua-todoroki
I could name a few. Not that I ever experienced any.
ua-monoma
Haah...
ua-todoroki
Guess we can bond over that too.
ua-monoma
Aha................. on what, our tortured childhoods? I suppose so.
Mine really is pretty standard, though. Especially compared to yours.
ua-todoroki
Mine wasn't incredibly horrifying.
ua-monoma
Are you sure about that...
ua-todoroki
Yes?
ua-monoma
Mm.
Alrighty then.
ua-todoroki
..... Yeah.
ua-monoma
Yeah.
So, anyway.
ua-todoroki
Right. Anyway.
ua-monoma
... Not to ask for clarification yet again but I'm, just wondering,, that whole last bit about not being horrifying was you making a joke still, right.
ua-monoma
Just wondering.
Sometimes we go off the rails with our banter and get a little too, mm, real, so...
ua-todoroki
..? No, it wasn't.
ua-monoma
Ah.
ua-todoroki
I've heard stories worse than mine.
ua-monoma
Yeah. I've heard stories worse than mine, too.
Like yours.
ua-todoroki
I don't think it's that bad.
ua-monoma
Well, I'm telling you it is.
ua-todoroki
How can you even make that call.
ua-monoma
Because it's common sense.
ua-todoroki
You barely know what it was.
ua-monoma
And? All that means is that it's worse than what I actually know, and what I actually know is pretty damn fucking horrifying already.
ua-todoroki
No, it means you don't have the fucking context to say it was that awful.
ua-monoma
Whatever. If you want to pretend getting beaten by your own father isn't 'that awful', suit yourself.
It's not normal, though.
And it shouldn't have happened.
ua-todoroki
It was just training.
ua-monoma
It was an excuse to hit a kid.
ua-todoroki
Bullshit. It wouldn't have happened if it wasn't necessary.
ua-monoma
Necessary to do what.
ua-todoroki
Necessary to make me stronger.
ua-monoma
Bullshit.
ua-todoroki
It's not bullshit. I told you. You don't have the context.
ua-monoma
Enlighten me, then? Or shut up about it.
Because if you're just gonna whine about me not having the details without letting me actually have them then this conversation is pointless.
ua-todoroki
Because just doing physical exercise and quirk training only goes so far. Being in real fights is better and more helpful, and who would be better to simulate a real fight than the #2 hero. Everything is worth it for that.
ua-monoma
That's idiotic.
We're in the best hero school in Japan and we've never once had a 'real fight' with a teacher at our age and you're telling me a grown man felt the need to engage in one with a child.
ua-todoroki
We have plenty of fights with other kids. Like I said. It was just a faster and more practical way to get me ahead.
ua-monoma
Keyword being 'kids'.
Did you ever win a fight? Did he ever LET you?
ua-todoroki
You learn more from losing.
ua-monoma
Wow.
ua-todoroki
Are you done.
ua-monoma
Sure. You're not listening to what I'm saying anyway.
HEY. It's okay to feel a little sad. It's okay to talk about it. And it's definitely okay to want to be left alone for a while. I know you may not be upset right now. But remember this.
Oh.
Ah...
Thank you.
I’ll try and take this to heart a little more. I’m afraid I’ve gotten quite bad at taking care of myself in the last few months... and I want to be able to be there for my friends, without distractions. So, thank you. I’ll do my best.
🔑Is something else going on your mind right now, Monoma? Please use this as a venting space. -Nobu
Oh.
Aha…
There’s always something else going on in my mind. I don’t really see the point of, um, letting it out. I don’t exactly find it theraputic. Especially when I have no choice in being honest anyway.
… Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?… Being forced to tell the truth. Being made to acknowledge it… at all.
…
Well. I’m thinking a lot these days. I have plenty of time to, since school is out… I’m being left alone, which is. Wonderful. Get to dictate how I spend the day, get to be pampered and adored, I get to make decisions that will impact… a lot.
I don’t… know.
Sometimes I feel like I’m in multiple places at once. And it’s been happening a lot lately, when I’m alone, when I’m relaxing, when I’m happy. It’s far away, but it’s there. It’s still happening. Even though I’ve gotten away from it. It’s… sensations, sounds, feelings- or, the memory of feelings. Hits me suddenly. Doesn’t stop hitting me. One day it’s the smell of blood and another day I just hear this laugh following me around and one day something just turns to dust in my hands and I wake up or…
Ah. And then it stops. And that’s the weirdest time, when it stops. Because that shouldn’t be allowed, should it? Is it okay? Is it okay to go through life without these acknowledgements? Without watching them build up and up and accounting for the details and filing each one away and taking them out to recatergorize because this happened before this and she did this to me before him and this actually hurt far more than the thing that came after or before…
…. Is it okay? Am I… allowed to be happy? Or is this it? I’ve gotten so used to it and I wonder if that’s strange. I wonder how long this list of bad things that have happened will get. How much higher I can pile and pile all these things I’m… guilty about… if I can get this pile so high it rivals mountains, it rivals the heavens, it…
… God. And then I start the comparisons again. Then I wonder if I’m like him. It’s so easy to see him as a monster but.
… Anyway. That’s all, really. I feel okay. And I think feeling okay might be the problem. I’ll figure it out when I get there.
Does anyone like talking to their family about serious things?… Don’t answer that.
I haven’t exactly taken the time to catch them up yet with all that’s happened. It’s not a conversation I’m particularly looking forward to. And I have a feeling the things I’m spending my money on as of late will seem a little bit trivial… It’s just hard to anticipate what they’ll react to and how, and I’ve never really liked situations like that.
Could be worse! I feel like I’m saying that a lot lately...
My allowance is running out so I’ve been debating whether or not I should finally try and talk to my family about everything... I’ve been trying to avoid it for so long, haha....
