This morning I wrote 145 words on this story that I really love and want to tell from the depths of my soul, and I am pleased to report they are acceptable enough that I feel like I can move onto the next group of words. It sounds tedious, but the state of mind I am in when I am crafting a group of impressions and ideas and moods into a coherent narrative is deeply creative and meditative. I must touch on many things in my subconscious to evoke the proper experience in both myself and the reader, and it is satisfying and perilous.
However, in the bigger picture of things I am struggling to focus on the journey of writing and not obsess about what the story will look like when it’s done; I think the years I spent as a professional genre writer had a deleterious effect on my creative process. In order to make enough money to make it worthwhile, the end result had to be reached in a short amount of time and the final product was geared toward a genre audience. I love genre, but I love genre-bending and genre-breaking even more. Unfortunately, those don’t pay the bills. I’m lucky enough not to have to write to an audience now, but the habit is hard to break, and my inner critic roars into action every time I go back and try to polish my prose. “You don’t have the luxury of being a pretentious twat,” she tells me, “and no one likes it when you are, anyway. Besides, you should be doing something worthwhile.”