Robb’s like you call her your lady wife yet fuck her out here like a common whore.
Jon’s like at least it’s better than an army camp with my mother listening
Or
jon’s like i heard her from your chambers to mine, maybe treat her like you love her for once
Robb’s like I’m not the one who got her pregnant and risking her life.
Jon’s yelling she got killed in YOUR war brother but robb’s walking away
Im gonna be honest I've read this like 5 times and I'm still laughing. The accuracy? The pettiness?? The way they call each other out like total fucking hypocrites with no self awareness over it???
Robb's like, "You fuck her out in the open as if you're in a brothel. Isn't she your Queen now, do you have no respect? You can't even close your window, everyone can hear you two at night just outside your window. I never treated her like a whore."
"No, you just call her one."
"That's without context, Snow. Shut the fuck up. Maybe if you talked like that to her once in a while, she wouldn't have to come crawling to me the next night begging to have fun. And what the fuck is with the bruises, are you beating her or what?"
Just will rip into Jon for how often Jon fucks you so roughly where anyone can see or walk in on, because Robb absolutely hates the idea of people seeing you that way.
The second Jons like "Maybe treat her like you love her for once." It turns into blood sports all over again. Jon just says this while seething because he hates when he has to hear you with Robb because he has such a dark clawing need to burst in and steal you from Robb himself. (He cannot tell Tormund about those thoughts he'd never hear the end of the jokes about how much he's turned his little crow into a wildling finally).
Meanwhile Robb rips into Jon for shit that is not at all his fault, like taking you North while pregnant, for the incident in Moat Cailin with the Brotherhood, for the time you were attacked in the Nightfort by a wight. Just tears him a new one for all of that.
Jon is just like "She was murdered fighting your war, what are you talking about?" Robb isn't listening though, he's too busy listing off the ways Jon has not protected you properly, as if Robb didn't watch you get stabbed to death in front of his eyes.
Jon gets him triple. First with the fact that your father thinks of Jon like a son, and all he did was scold and talk shit towards Robb when he was the one who married you to him. Second that he's the one with the experiance and the Valyrian Steel sword that can protect you from the coming winter. Then hammers the final nail like, "Me and her are bonded for life, she brought me back from the dead. The old gods know we belong together."
Robb just hits him like, "Yeah, well I still fucked her in my bed for her first time. I'll always be the one who took her maidenhood and had her begging for me to do it, too."
Meanwhile you have hidden away in Theons chambers like old times, telling Olly if either of them come looking for you, then they have to find you themselves, and no using the direwolves to sniff you out, thats cheating. They never guess Theons chambers for so long, because they assume you wouldn't want to hang out in the room Theon used to annoy the shit out of you by loudly fucking so many women in. Which is why you hide out there.
"If they are at each others throats long enough while we're hiding here, then maybe for once I can go to sleep without passing out from exhaustion."
Theon just stares at you in an amused disbelief. "How'd a prude like you grow up to get so much dick?"
If you didn't need five goddamn minutes away from their possessive arguing, you'd have left then and there but only because you know Theons right. You didn't know what sex was until you were almost thirteen, how did this become your life?








