#retailstuck

[phantomthiefgaige]

My brain: I swear….TO GOD!!!!! If your idea is as stupid as your last two, I’m gonna-

Me: What if we made the HS cast work a retail job? …..

My brain: …..that’s kinda funny. Lets write that down.

[ask-hottopic-reaper]

Hey, You work here right? Is the stuff here free?

hop top stands 4 no stealers even potential

[retailstuck]

bad boob: yoko is the best character ever

Dayman: #CANT GET LAID

bad boob: jade

Dayman: BASICALLY

bad boob: irl au jade

bad boob: jade cosplays yoko

bad boob: there it is

bad boob: put it out there

bad boob: she wants bro to fuck her so bad

Dayman: THANK GOD

Dayman: THANK GOD

Dayman: she like trys really hard not to be recognizable

Dayman: and shes like

Dayman: at a con

Dayman: and hes chattin her up shes not wearing her glasses

bad boob: wears contacts

Dayman: and ddirk comes by and is like hey jade

bad boob: shes like

bad boob: FUCK YOU DIRK

Dayman: storms off

bad boob: bro raises his eyebrows

bad boob: no shit! that was jade?

bad boob: i never realised she was kinda hot

bad boob: cool.

bad boob: never thinks about it again

bad boob: jade thinks about what could have been literally all the time

Dayman: jade like

bad boob: holds a grudge against dirk for years

Dayman: beats dirk with her gun

Dayman: its like

Dayman: pvc and foam so it doesnt rezlly hurt

bad boob: it hurts his spirit tho

bad boob: his pride is diminished

Dayman: omfg

Dayman: dirk cosplays boota human

[retailstuck]

anytime bros leaving a room full of people he says "later boners" and theres this one time that dave and john are in dave's room mackin and theres some heavy petting going on too and they have the door open just a crack bc they forgot bro was home so bros about to leave for his shift at work and he swings by daves room to say goodbye, and he sees dave and john doing their thing and he just like smirks and throws open the door, and yells "later boners!" before he leaves, cackling and dave and john are so fucking embarrassed and john's like, "next time, make sure your doors fucking shut, dumbass."

[retailstuck]

ok so rose in middle school, that's her hella goth phase like the thing with the lalondes is mom and roxy are both tall and thin, almost supermodel like and then rose is short like 5'3 and curvy as hell and in middle school shes kinda chubby and she resents that a lot and wishes she was more like mom and roxy and she starts wearing all black even though her favourite colour is purple because its slimming and mom makes an offhanded comment like "please don't go goth" and rose is like im going to do exactly that. so shes like 12 or 13 and has this long hair thats always in her face and she starts wearing really poorly applied black eyeshadow and eyeliner and black lipstick that runs all the time along with her black clothes and mom is really frustrated but doesnt say anything to her about it  but she gets tired of the fact that she doesnt have any pictures of rose where you can see her face properly so she buys rose this purple headband and puts it in a little gift bag with tissue paper and a little note that just says "Love, Mom" and rose sees it and cant fucking believe it and she refuses to wear it. the next week roxy has a hair appointment right after school so rose goes with her and gets her hair cut into a bob with bangs so her hairs not in her face anymore and she brings the headband with her and puts it in her hair right after because she doesnt really need it anymore and she gets home and goes up to Mom and makes this big display of being like, "Thank you so much for this lovely headband, Mother! I can't tell you how much I needed it." and Mom's like, pissed that rose did that but she cant really complain bc her now she can see roses face and shes still wearing the headband.  that year rose starts hanging out with kanaya in school and kanaya's like "Look, If We're Going To Hang Out I'm Teaching You How To Apply Makeup" so she shows rose how to properly apply eyeshadow and eyeliner and shows her the wonder that is lip liner so roses makeup, while still black, is hella on point and always looks super nice and shes actually pale enough that the black makeup actually looks really nice on her with her platinum blonde hair so she keeps wearing her makeup like that through high school as well, and about the summer of 8th grade her and Kanaya start dating after about a year of them flirting with each other and not saying anything. in high school rose loses the baby fat from her face but shes still definitively pear shaped and she stops wearing only black and incorporates purples and white into her wardrobe and kanaya helps her pick out clothes that flatter her shape so shes got a lot of high waisted skirts and tights and rose hardly ever wears jeans. rose is in advanced english and submits stories to the towns art newspaper all the time Striders and Lalondes are cousins and rose and dave are really close but in a "if you tell me a secret and i need something from you i will use it as blackmail" but they still tell each other everything. rose is one of jades few close girl friends and shes pretty close with john too, obviously. 

[retailstuck]

Dayman: did we even discuss anything abotu jade

bad boob: yeah tons of stuff

Dayman: i fucking forget anything that wasent

Dayman: hangs out with dave all the time

Dayman: and wants bros dick

bad boob: omg

Dayman: because literally those are the two things

Dayman: i would do

bad boob: LMAO

bad boob: nerd

bad boob: yeah shes hella got the hots for bro

bad boob: hella disappointed when she figures out hes gay for dad

bad boob: but

bad boob: shes tall as shit

bad boob: pacific islander

bad boob: really pretty

bad boob: but

Dayman: plot wise tho

bad boob: boys are too intimidated by her height to ask her out

bad boob: and girls think shes 100% straight

bad boob: shes pan

Dayman: cant get laid

bad boob: not even a little

bad boob: not for lack of trying either

bad boob: people just dont get her hints

Dayman: she approched karkat onc and he stated crying

bad boob: OMG

Dayman: softly

bad boob: karkat is so short

bad boob: like

bad boob: 5'2

bad boob: jades like

bad boob: 6'1

Dayman: a beast of a woman

Dayman: and like

Dayman: not like

Dayman: super skinny eaither

Dayman: like amazonian woman

bad boob: like

bad boob: wonder woman

Dayman: with hips like woah

bad boob: yeaaa

bad boob: one year she did dress up as wonderwoman for halloween at school

bad boob: no one could stop starring

Dayman: you mean every year

bad boob: yea

bad boob: no different super hero every year

bad boob: she goes as zatanna one year

Dayman: bnive

Dayman: nice

bad boob: everyone looks forward to halloween bc thats when you get to see lots of jade

bad boob: ;)

bad boob: john and jake are like

bad boob: REALLY protective of her

bad boob: like

bad boob: "hey get away from my sister/cousin!!"

bad boob: and like

Dayman: and shes so fucking done

Dayman: with them

bad boob: theyre both on the football team

Dayman: shes like i swear to god guys

bad boob: and scare away potential dates

Dayman: and shes taller than both of them

bad boob: no omg same height

Dayman: no

bad boob: theyre all the same height

bad boob: and then jane

Dayman: no

bad boob: is lil

bad boob: itty bitty

Dayman: jake is like

Dayman: 5'10

Dayman: so is john

Dayman: but more broad then jade

bad boob: more likely to beat the shit out of someone

bad boob: so on halloween when boys are oogling her

bad boob: they stare them down

bad boob: and shes like

bad boob: "I WANT THEM TO LOOK AT ME STOP THAT"

bad boob: jades fucking great at chemistry

bad boob: physics too

bad boob: still takes bio bc she finds it interesting

bad boob: everyones like

bad boob: "jade you only need two sciences"

bad boob: shes like

bad boob: your point?

bad boob: aces all three

bad boob: has them all in the same semester

bad boob: and gym

bad boob: she takes gym even after grade 10

Dayman: shes one of THOSE people

Dayman: shes also on the vollyball team but only cuz she gets to wear the tiny shorts

Dayman: and make sexual ball htting noises

bad boob: omg yeah

bad boob: tennis too

Dayman: TRYIN TO GET LAID THATS MAH GURL

bad boob: god bless

Dayman: TONS OF GUYS COME TO VOLLYBALL

Dayman: JUST TO SEE LIKE

Dayman: FEF

Dayman: AND JADE

Dayman: AND VRISKA

bad boob: yeah omg

bad boob: omg

bad boob: vriska and terezi are like

bad boob: all bone

bad boob: like

Dayman: STILL HOT

bad boob: little twigs

bad boob: but hot as hell

bad boob: vriskas still p tall

bad boob: 5'6

bad boob: terezis tiny

bad boob: like

bad boob: 5'1

bad boob: omg but yeah jade

bad boob: jade where does she work again??

Dayman: UH

Dayman: UHHHHH

bad boob: discovery hut right

bad boob: omg

bad boob: bb

bad boob: she fucking rocks that job

bad boob: really good with kids

bad boob: part of me almost wants her to work at the pet store instead

Dayman: UGH

Dayman: I KNOW

bad boob: the petland and shes one of those people who has to wear one of those lil safari outfits

Dayman: all of them do

bad boob: GOOD

bad boob: god

bad boob: shed be so cute in that omg

bad boob: killer legs

bad boob: walks around with a parrot or parakeet on her shoulder

bad boob: when people want snakes shell pull them out for them

bad boob: same w tarantulas

bad boob: girls got no fear

bad boob: yeah i like her at the pet store way more than discovery hut

bad boob: how do u feel about that

Dayman: i feel good about that

[retailstuck]

the high school days continue

John-  is a huge fucking nerd in middleschool but he has no idea because his dad keeps telling him that he's a winner so hes like got self esteem just bursting out of him  and like as soon as he gets in highschool he like joins the football team and is still friends with dave  like literally throughout high school john is a huge fucking dork but thinks hes way too great to ever be a dork so no one ever tells him and hes part of the popular crew because hes got so much goddamn self esteem everyone's like "well yeah, hes really popular" and hes really good friends with vriska but dave fucking hates vriska so dave refuses to hang around him anytime vriska is around but john thinks shes really cool and tried to convince himself he likes her bc hes most definitely not a homosexual but they dont work out in terms of dating but still stay really good friends. john always goes to house parties at the lalondes on the weekends and gets really drunk and always ends up making out with karkat at some point but theyre both really drunk but not as drunk as they make everyone think and john keeps pretending its dave hes kissing but thats p hard to do because christ karkat is all teeth so the next monday john will be seen at school going "man i was soooooooo drunk this weekend i dont remember ANYTHING." and no one says anything bc theyre just like looking at him with sad eyes like "one day you'll realise" also dave is really good at math so johns like always cheating off his tests and like bats his eyes at dave to get him to help him cheat its not like till senior year that john realizes how gay he is for dave  and hes sitting alone in his room and he just whispers into the empty space "goddamnit"

and the universe replies with "no homo"

[retailstuck]

so basically we figured out what everyone was like in middle school and high school because its fucking hilarious is why so here we go this is the best i can rememeber

Dave- had like greasy shoulder length blonde hair and wore ill fitting pants and like the same fucking hoodie everyday in middle school wirh those dumb fucking anime glasses and he has almost headgear and he thought he was really cool but john only hung out with him because he had all the yugioh cards he wanted/ felt bad for him, also this is the time when dave develops a crush on egbert. over the summer between high school bro is like " you better fucking cut that hair or i will strife you and cut it off myself" so he cuts it and looks way better but still wears the hoodie and shitty pants cause he thinks their cool because bro bought them but bro really bought them because he couldnt be assed to buy him proper clothes cause fuck this kids gonna grow out of them anyway so fuck it. so his headgear is less stupid now and hes slowly growing out of being a huge fucking nerd and enjoys fucking around with terezi because she wears cool fucking dragon shirts  and johns still like friends with him because dave is really fun but he would never admit that to anyone because he still thinks that everyone thinks dave is a loser but no one really gives  a  fuck anymore except john and most of the time hes like why is dave so great why do i like dave so much no homo.  finally in like senior year dave gets his braces off and starts wearing skinny jeans and like hot people clothes and hes skinny as fuck and looks great in them and also wears the shades john gave him and johns like oh no hes hot  and jade  is like " are you serious did you not see this coming look at his brother oh my god your a fuking dumb ass i swear to god "  and fucking jade is like daves confidant throughout highschool i'll talk about her later.  but like daves hot now and then after gradation he gets his job at target and hes like still fucking in love with john and is just chill being his best friend because no homo dude no homo. also dave almost gets this hilarious rep in highschool because all the girls were always going over to his place when it was really just to like watch movies and have dave cook them shit in his massive kitchen and it was like girl time where they got to eat food and talk about their feelings a lot and the striders house was like THE house to go when you are having a shitty day . but like dave is a fucking nerd through highschool but like everyone can like see him slowly getting hotter and cooler but john