Neon Thighs & Dirty Cardio — 80’s Aerobics with Wells
Golden Army Gym was already dangerous, but today it was fatal.
Neon mats. Glitter signs. Synth-pop so loud the walls probably got abs from listening to it. Dress code: spandex or get out.
The Bros showed up in neon like they’d been sponsored by a vintage VHS store. The recruits showed up in neon like they regretted everything.
Then Wells arrived.
Shiny metallic neon lime green tights, electric blue cropped tank — “WELLS 58” stretched across his chest just tight enough to feel personal. Gold sweatband + gold wristbands, coordination on point. No hat. Hair damp. Skin gleaming. Confidence weaponized.
One recruit whispered, “He looks like a stripper from a Tron reboot.” Alton overheard and responded, “Yeah, but he'd get the lead role.”
Wells clapped his hands, one sharp, theatrical crack.
“Welcome to aerobics. Cardio, stamina, rhythm, and public humiliation. Let’s warm up.”
Warm-up was hip circles, which Wells performed like hip circles were the reason hips exist. Slow. Wide. Intentionally reckless. Like he was seducing the concept of geometry.
“Open up those joints, boys. If it doesn’t feel suggestive, you’re not doing it right.”
Recruits looked betrayed by physics. One accidentally moaned. No one blamed him.
Then came high knees. Wells bounced like gravity owed him money. Tank top climbed with each rep, neon tights flexing like coiled springs. Recruits tried to copy him and immediately looked like malfunctioning flamingos.
Wells pointed at one, “Don’t knock your knee tracking, knock your confidence. Easier to fix.”
Alton laughed so hard he nearly dropped his electrolyte drink.
Mid-set, Wells added kicks, actual dance-aerobics kicks, hamstrings popping, glutes doing glute things, neon shining like an 80’s nightclub light show.
“Remember,” Wells called, breath steady, “this is match prep. If you can’t handle cardio, how do you expect to handle fourth quarter… or after-hours cardio?”
Someone coughed “Jesus,” someone else said “I’m straight but confused,” and someone said nothing because their jaw was on the floor.
But then came the real event:
Pelvic Thrust Conditioning — “The Main Course”
Wells dropped to the mat like a thirst trap in motion. Feet planted, knees bent, tights shimmering like the world’s most indecent disco ball.
“Glute bridges build power,” he announced. “And power builds victory. And victory builds… options.”
He thrust upward, slow, controlled, peak squeeze that hurt the laws of decency. Like he was trying to thrust the sun out of orbit.
Recruits made a sound that was 30% gym pain, 70% existential panic.
“Up…” Wells coached. “Hold it… hold it… don’t rush the top.”
He paused mid-air a beat too long, hips hovering like the world’s cockiest suspension bridge.
“Control the descent. If you finish early, nobody wins.”
Alton actually put his hand over his mouth to keep from screaming.
Recruits tried. Hips trembled. Sweat dripped. Dignity evaporated. One bro muttered, “This ain’t cardio. This is foreplay with consequences.”
Wells hammered through sets like cardio Casanova.
“Thrust with intent!” “Commit to the squeeze!” “This is a full contact sport if you do it right!” “Don’t just lift your hips, lift your destiny!”
The music hit a synth climax and Wells matched it with one final, devastatingly slow thrust. Like the beat dropped through his pelvis.
Class collapsed into applause, thirst, confusion, and a little religious awakening.
Wells stood, towel whipped around his neck, torso gleaming, tights painted on like liquid neon dominance.
“Match prep,” he declared, “is about stamina, confidence, and knowing exactly how to use your hips. You’re welcome.”
He winked. Not at anyone in particular, at the concept of witnesses.
And somewhere in the back, one shaken recruit whispered, “I came here to sweat, not question my orientation.”
Join us for dirty cardo by contacting one of our recruiters @polo-drone-001 @polo-drone-125 @franco-gold94 or @polo-drone-166
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