#revoltist

[loveberrymotion]

happy barfday to one of my best babes luv u forever @revoltist

[pierochan]

how am i gonna take 7 shots, drink 3 beers, and a mug of hard apple cider and feel nothing more than slightly tipsy......................i can even count how much i drank that should show how sober i am rn. makes no sense

[pierochan]

4:44am, adderoll finally starts kickin in, i feel warm n fuzzy n glad that my love is safe n sound n asleep. i'm not sure if this art project will be done by 1pm tomorrow but im definitely gonna try. listenin to tofubeats and in love with a ghost to help keep me focused. it's technically scorpio season now n i think im ready. gonna try n do more addy art binges so i can feel better about having cute colorful finished pieces. not gonna sleep until i get back from class so if ur reading this wish me luck and send me money x

[pierochan]

i feel like im fucking 12 years old again hiding cuts from my mom lmao also im a giant fucking idiot and want someone to bash my head in with one of those meat tenderizer things

[pierochan]

after trying out adderoll for two days in a row i still cant tell if i have add or not ?

[pierochan]

ive noticed a pattern in my life of keeping ppl around that were close to megan when she was alive cause it makes me feel more secure when im with ppl that knew her well, knew her for her actual self.

ive also noticed a pattern of myself reverting to my old ways from 2 years ago to feel closer to her subconsciously.

why does my brain allow myself to act harshly towards myself and keep toxic ppl around for the sake of "feeling close to megan" when it wobt physically let me remember SHIT about how she actually was.

ive repressed everything so deeply that im not sure how to reach the parts of my memory that has vivid clear images of her face, or her laugh, or her voice or any conversations we had together. i feel like fucking garbage all the time because i cant live a life that she'd be proud of. i cant visit her in memories and i hardly dream of her anymore. if i was the one that died, she'd be 3/4ths done with college, she'd make sure to think of me constantly (not that she'd be able to control it much, her mind did work in compulsive ways) but she had everything lined up for her. i have nothing. i shouldve been the one that died and nothing has felt real since. she got accepted into an actual university and had connections to get her modeling and acting career on the way, her aunt worked for mtv. i have no real talents and i have to live every day of my life avoiding anyone from my high school because an insane amount of ppl blame me for her death. my best friend in the whole world. i feel like im only destined to be another headline for youth suicide while ppl try to scrape together why teens and young adults want to kill themselves so badly. if anything ill be an example for some middle school presentation on how to call the suicide hotline if you're ever feeling down.

im not meant to be here.

these are the thoughts that run through my head daily and im driving myself insane lmao i cant wait to die and do nothing significant with my life

[pierochan]

if someone u love dies do urself a favor and let urself think about them all the time no matter how much it hurts

cause if you dont you'll find urself 2 years later with memories so repressed that theyll feel like a stranger to you

[pierochan]