It was inevitable: a superpowered teen rooming with the Teen Titans would be introduced to the duties of a superhero eventually. The problem is, Dove came from a world of peace and quiet, where good never had to struggle against evil. She does not take it well.
(Fanfiction.net and AO3 links coming in the reblogs!)
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Pacifist Panic: The Paradox of Peace
"So what do you think about joining the team?"
"How long 'til you become a Titan?"
"Are you ready to join us out there?"
"...The Teen Titans could always use more members..."
"...The tactical advantages of telepathy would give us quite an edge..."
"...Who DOESN'T want to be a hero?"
"I don't even want to leave home..."
"I... I didn't like it in the city."
"I can't even control my powers - I don't think it'd be safe."
"...trust me, I'm... I'm not meant to be a Teen Titan."
Why were they so convinced she'd make a good hero?
The more time she spent around them, the more she had to turn them down. It seemed like every other day, one of them brought it up to her. She would stutter through her response, and always looked to Raven for support; Raven just responded the first time, "Your life, your choice," and only lifted a brow at her every time after.
Nearly a month went by like that, three weeks and a day to be exact.
Currently she was meditating next to Raven at the windowsill. She had gotten the hang of it, and it came far easier to her than it did in the beginning. Dove was even starting to enjoy the glimpse of confidence and serenity these silent moments afforded, especially when Raven let her use her calm mind as a focusing point, because she knew it was difficult on Earth, so much less inherently serene here than on Azarath... (Though Raven made her promise not to read her thoughts, or she would know. Dove had no intention of doing it, anyways.)
Robin was similarly occupied (albeit with much less peaceful thoughts) in his room, Beast Boy and Cyborg were playing relatively nonviolent video games behind the girls murmuring a mantra so familiar it blended in with the rest of the background noise, and Starfire was cooing over a playful Silkie.
At least they were, right up until the power went out.
The room darkened, the tv blinked off, and the whole tower grew silent as everyone got their bearings amidst the now-absent sounds of the game and lack of electrical hums.
On a hunch, Robin came to check the ops computer. Beast Boy dragged his hands down his face whining "Nooo!" and Cyborg slumped, groaning "Aw, man." Raven's voice halted; Dove's faltered and then fell silent when she noticed. Starfire took Silkie in her arms and stood, guessing: "This is... routine maintenance?"
Suddenly the entire room began flashing red, the mechanical alarm blaring in time.
Dove gasped and twisted around with her eyes wide and heart fluttering. She still wasn’t used to the crime alarm and the Titans’ duties, despite it happening every week since she'd arrived. At least now she could hear it without her fear making something explode.
Robin struck the keys and pulled up a report; luckily the crime scanner was connected to backup generators. The others joined him, and Dove drifted to the edge of the group, hoping for an explanation.
She hadn't been hoping for what happened next.
"Thought so." Robin announced, "We're experiencing power outages across the city."
“Sector five."
"Overload."
"At the hardware store."
A sarcastic "Didn't see that one coming."
"We got this."
With that, Robin was ready to tell the team to head out - but Dove was watching them with her brow furrowed deeply enough to plant crops in. "This would be a great opportunity for you to see Titans business. Want to come along?"
Dove remained there, stock still, mouth open, trying to conjure something that she hadn't already said.
He added, "Just to sit on the sidelines. See what we do."
Raven, however, saw his point. This mission was pretty standard; she'd even taken down Overload alone. Dove's mind practically burned with confusion and uncertainty, so Raven gave her a nod of confirmation.
The message was nonverbal, but Dove could read it clearly: two days ago, Raven had spent the entire training break explaining how experience in the city may help her control her powers...
Dove suddenly figured, maybe Raven wanted to see how she did in the outside world, and with wide and anticipating eyes, she nodded her assent, and then followed the Teen Titans out the door and into a whole new stage of training – the uncontrolled environment.
They left the island with Robin in Starfire's arms as she flew and Cyborg in Beast Boy's claws.
Dove watched wistfully as Raven headed out over the river with silk-smooth motions and perfect control... She could only pray it'd work half so well for herself until she chanted, “Azarath Metrion Zinthos” - then shot off the ground, scattering a cloud of dust that trailed a full three feet behind her.
She barely managed to gain control just before colliding with Raven and swerved right and then miraculously forced herself to a midair stop, arms and legs splayed around her and trembling furiously.
“Dove, focus!” Raven called, and she pulled back to offer Dove another brief lesson. “Stay in control of the energy you exert. Remember, the power is yours - the flight is in your hands, and your mind is the key. Keep control. Focus.”
Dove nodded. Not that she had that kind of confidence, but she knew she could try.
“Come on.”
Dove soared to Raven’s side, and they shot off after the team together.
Together for the first few moments, anyways - Dove quickly fell behind. She frequently shook or slowed down, and Raven could sense it and offered advice, “Focus your energy as well as your mind,” without even looking back.
Dove would then do so to the best of her abilities, and always managed to just barely keep up. Even if her altitude dropped dramatically every other second.
Robin alerted: "Distress signal coordinates just below."
"Aw man, Wyatt Enterprises is gonna be ticked. They just remodeled this place!"
Beast Boy reverted to human as they touched down to say, "Sounds like Overload's doing a good job of UN-modeling it."
"Then let us un-model him." Furious green fire blazed in her eyes.
As they landed, Raven noted under her teammates' rallying, “That was... better than last time."
Dove's reply came with a breathless, disoriented grin. “I never got to practice levitation before--"
She yelped and recoiled.
A strange-sounding, staticky roar erupted from the electronics store before them.
“Cut him off from the power grid. Titans, GO!” Robin yelled.
The team rushed in, sprinting or arcing through the broken glass door with well-practiced ease... as Dove watched with clueless confusion. Peeking around the threshold, she saw a strange creature with a small red and black shape in what might be the chest, and the rest seemed to be made entirely of crackling, glowing, living white electricity. But not the astral kind she was familiar with.
It was drawing bright buzzing power into itself so greedily, the nearby machines smoked enough to taste it.
Robin called, "Short-circuit him!"
Cyborg glanced to the ceiling. "There's no sprinkler system in the lobby!"
"Don't they know that's a fire hazard?!"
"Schematics are showin' fire suppression on the north side."
"Move him to the back room!"
And then the Titans were on the move.
None of this made any sense. What were they trying to do, exactly? Confusion became concern when Dove watched Starfire halt midair, because an electric cord wrapped itself around her legs as she attempted to zoom away but shrieked as her hair stood on end, and the cord was encased in black before it snapped in half and fell from Starfire’s body. (Was she okay?!) As soon as it hit the floor, Starfire tottered, recovered her balance as Raven took on the onslaught, and then Starfire joined her to shoot a barrage of sun-bright energy towards the creature.
It roared, seemingly unaffected. Almost seeming STRENGTHENED.
"Quick, while he's distracted!" Robin grunted as he used a grappling hook to yank a loaded shelf against the foe, shoving it northward. "Didn't we dish out enough for you last time?"
"Your appetite," Cyborg said, wielding a wooden pallet like a cattle prod, "the one thing bigger than corporate greed!"
"Save some for the fishes!" Beast Boy realized that didn't make any sense. "--Uh. Power. The battery-operated ones. Yeah!" And then he became a ram to break the door open.
They were through the door before Dove could figure out why. She hesitated hard, biting her lip, listening to the clamor with dread...
A few boxes wreathed in black aura flew past Dove’s head to the creature, startling her; Robin threw something to the ground at its feet, they exploded, and Dove winced with hands clapped to her ears and teeth gritted.
It was so loud, so destructive, so violent, it hurt... So much to take in. Whatever was happening here, it was dizzying and left her sick to her soul. She sensed - pain, terror from the entire city, violent determination...
...Violence?
Dove swallowed, eyes wide, and backed away. Azar protect her, the team was really fighting this thing!
She'd heard that they had to 'fight' to protect the city - but she never imagined it'd be like this! She was rooted in her place, panicking in her lifelong pacifism, paralyzed without any idea what to do to stop it. What if they got hurt?
The Titans continued their coordinated assault, herding the creature through the door. Cyborg fired a cannon blast at the adversary, and in an effort to escape, the thing charged towards an electrical socket. Raven telekinetically held pieces of plastic display boards over the plugs to prevent its escape. It tried again - another - Raven blocked it at every turn, and the third time it roared in anger.
How could she stand its fury?
Triumph met Dove's senses, thoughts met her uncontrolled telepathy - she knew they had him right where they wanted him.
Suddenly red, twirling objects - something Robin flung out - glinted in Dove’s view and spun towards the ceiling. CLICKS and CHINGS met her ears, and the freed water cascaded down from above. The creature screamed (such a terrible, pained, agonized sound!), and it slowly shrunk into the rectangle zone... Almost like it was dying.
Had they killed it? Did they have to kill it? Why did they kill it?!
The team was celebrating that. But Dove could barely feel it past the seething anger, horror, panic, PAIN - her own fear. She choked out a breath and white flared out down her arms.
Oh no. She couldn't lose control, not here!
Not knowing what else to do, Dove fled.
The Titans ducked away from the sprinklers. Beast Boy had his hands clasped behind his head, smiling as he told Cyborg, "Looks like our Mega Melee 3 speedrun just took a rain check." Robin emerged with the now-inert circuit board, and Starfire leaped up and down, even with her hair still frizzy despite the downpour. "Once again, we are victorious!"
Raven, having sensed Dove’s distress but only now prioritizing it above the battle, turned her way - only to realize she was gone.
“Dove!” She was airborne in a moment and soaring after her the next.
Her call, and sudden departure, left the rest of the team confused.
"Where's she going?" Beast Boy, of course, was the first to speak.
“Is something of matter with Raven?” Starfire asked.
“Not sure," Robin replied as he called for prison transport. The remaining Titans looked where their newest roommate had been standing just a moment ago. "But I think something's wrong with Dove."
~*~
Raven flew above the skyline, watching-- She saw the doors of the tower close across the river and shot off. The water was shifting tumultuously, disturbed and still settling; either Dove had flown too close to the water’s surface, or her powers were the cause.
Raven followed her senses to Dove’s room, let the door open, paused at the threshold.
What met her eyes was a scene foretelling chaos. A half-dozen books were strewn on the ground, papers scattered across the floor - the trembling cloaked body was crackling with energy. Dove had lost control of her powers. And now she sat shivering on her bed with her head in her hands.
As the door clicked shut, Dove looked up and revealed the tears streaking down her white face... right before shame crooked her brow. Fearsweat glistened where the tears didn't touch and the bright heat of emotional energy still flashed in her gaze - until she closed her eyes and hung her head with a shudder, hiding her face behind a curtain of blonde.
Raven walked over and sat down next to her, though she consciously left space between them. Whatever had set Dove off clearly left her in a sensitive state.
“What’s wrong?”
Dove shook her head. She blinked towards the bed, still, frozen, petrified... After a few moments, she surrendered her gaze to Raven and managed to breathe only a single word.
"Why?"
That wasn't helpful. Raven studied Dove quizzically. She couldn't even reply; one word didn't give her much to work with.
“Never-- all my life--” Dove’s head dropped and she fell to her back, shuddering, sniffling, trying to control her voice. “The-the-the-- Raven, why did you--? I-It can't be right--! Why were you fighting?”
She shivered violently, and Raven suddenly understood. Even after spending so many months in this world, Dove still hadn't been exposed to violence.
She was from Azarath. A world of pacifism. Nonresistance. They'd both been raised where peace was the only priority, and violence, or any need to enact it, completely unheard of.
“Dove, Earth isn’t like Azarath, not this part of it. You’ll only find that degree of peace in Azarath.”
Dove didn’t seem comforted by that at all. “Raven, it just-- everything I sensed-- Overwhelming, violent, furious-- I-- I'm sorry, i-- i-i-- It really scared me!”
Raven sighed. She began to feel sympathy creeping over her again. Raised in pacifism, the telepath was as new to violence as a child watching her friends fight for the very first time, and without the capacity to comprehend any of it. “Dove, we… We weren’t… We’re heroes. It’s what we do.”
“Why so violently?” Dove opened her eyes to look at Raven. “Why?” Her voice was wavering and weak.
“That’s how it has to be. If we don’t fight the villains, resist the evil… If someone doesn't stop them, then they’d succeed.”
“In what? Why cause destruction? And the battle… It destroyed the things in the store. And you hurt him.” Dove sat up as she spoke and looked at Raven pleadingly. "Doesn't that only make everything worse? Doesn't violence only breed more violence?"
Wow, now she was even quoting Azar's teachings. "It does, but when we win, we stop the fighting. We stop the hurting. The villain is locked up far away, so the rest of the city can live without fear."
"But then someone else always comes, and the fighting comes right back. How does that solve anything?"
Raven could sense every bit of Dove's frustration as she tried to figure out how to explain the unending fight for public safety, the eternally raging war of good vs. evil, to someone who had only been around peace all her life. "Peace... doesn’t just happen. You can't run away from violence and evil like they did in Azarath. Evil is a part of life here. And you have to stand up against that evil to protect everyone who can't protect themselves."
"But... Can't you stand up without hurting each other?"
Raven's expression sank to pity. Had she ever been so naïve? "No. These villains... are too selfish, greedy, and self-important to care about logic or compassion. Peaceful protest wouldn't stop them."
Her eyes were still wide and horrified. Almost inaudibly, Dove whispered, “Ohhh! Why didn’t I just stay in Azarath?”
Raven's brows rose. “Because you would have died there. Don’t you care about your own life - wouldn't you rather live?" It was a pivotal question, essential to gauging Dove's mental state. The relentless pacifism did tend to wipe out their sense of self-preservation; if engaging in violence meant to live, every single indoctrinated Azarathean would rather die.
But Dove only shrugged. “It’s so hard!” She was suddenly half yelling. “All this frustration, and all this violence! Raven, I think I just hate it here--”
“Dove, your emotions!” White bolts of energy were now flickering dangerously close to the walls and threatening the window - a tempered carbonate that could withstand earthquakes and bullets and gale-force winds, but was already cracked from the last time and would be all too vulnerable against the astral power of completely unrestrained emotion.
“I can’t help it!” As Dove spoke, her voice hitched on a breath, then quieted and tightened with her desperate, suffocatingly desperate struggle against herself for control, order... Calm. “I do care about life, Raven, and I really want to stay alive, the way I am, but…” She sighed deeply, her shoulders relaxing, her voice returning to its usual frailty. “The violent ways of this world scare me so much. Even before I found you. I was overwhelmed, I-- I understand why Azar had to protect us now. I can’t stand it…” Dove bowed her head. The energy bolts began to stabilize to just around her body, and Dove whimpered, “I just wish everything was different…”
"That protection is why such pacifism can't exist here. You have to care about others to fight for them." She couldn't deny that, thinking back to her own arrival... she understood Dove's plight. "Azar wasn't here to cast the evil away. It's all still here." She reassured, "It is different, and it's going to take time to adjust, but you can do it. You'll learn. You're not alone anymore."
Dove felt the offer of hope in Raven's words, and looked up reluctantly. "What if I can't? What if it always overwhelms me? I don't like it, Raven... I don't like it at all..."
"A lot of people don't like it... including myself. But it is something you come to learn. At the very least, you learn to accept it... and to do what you can."
"There's not anything I can do."
There it was: that familiar sense of hopeless defeat welling in her mind.
"There is always something you can do. Even now, you care enough to want your powers under control so you don't hurt people. Even if you can't control them, being willing to restrain them, despite how much it exhausts you, is a good step forward."
Dove shifted uneasily under her gaze, too uncomfortably knowing... and couldn't help but drop her eyes.
Again Raven prompted, "What's wrong?"
“I feel so vulnerable! You know what I'm feeling, and you're here watching me cry over it and shivering like a scared idiot... I’m not used to-- It’s just hard to trust even you. I still don't know how I survived my childhood without blowing the house to bits.”
"But you did." She spoke with such a deadpan tone that Dove couldn't tell if it was sarcastic or not. “At least you know to act in a rough situation. Sometimes that’s all you need-- to do something.”
"But sometimes it's not, Raven. What do you do then?"
"Whatever you can, and hope for the best. Look. I think you could use some... tea, or something." When Dove remained still, she added, "It'll help you calm down."
"Yeah, that... that's important."
"That's what you can do in this moment."
She lifted her eyes, still hesitant.
Raven volunteered, "I have herbal tea downstairs."
Dove muttered, "I like tea..."
Raven stood, and only nodded to the door before setting off.
~*~
The others were already there when they arrived.
To their questions, Raven's explanation had been brief, but enough: "The fighting kinda... freaked her out."
Dove sat at the table and looked away in embarrassment. "Sorry..."
"No, I'm sorry, Dove." Robin sat across from her. "I didn't know that just watching us would be so hard on you."
"I forgive you." Her voice was low, hands fidgeting with her dress. "I... I guess I didn't know, either."
"Don't worry about it," Beast Boy smiled over his shoulder and over the back of the couch. "The heroing thing takes some getting used to."
"Yes, do not despair!" Seeing Raven fill the kettle, Starfire retrieved the mugs. "We have all had to begin somewhere."
Here they were again, comforting her... Offering more faith in her than she'd ever had in herself.
She told them in wonder: “I see why the city always seemed so proud of you. You're not just good heroes... You're good people. And I..." Her breath caught, and she dropped her head. "I'm none of that." She closed her eyes. "Pacifism and fear of my powers or no, I really don't deserve to be here... do I..."
Robin reassured, "Who you are is just fine."
"You are strong for surviving as you have." Starfire's words were so certain, so sincere, so absolutely convinced of it!
Dove looked up, eyes wide. Strong? She never would've considered herself strong...
"You had the strength to leave home. It is hard leaving everything you know behind. Trust me," Robin assured, "I would know. Many people would rather die than do something that huge."
"Then surviving alone, in an unfamiliar world," Starfire empathized, "for six lunar cycles?"
Cyborg mused, "That's a sign that there's something special about you."
"Fears and weaknesses can all be overcome." Robin said it with absolute confidence. "There's nothing we can't do when we're working together. And we're willing to give you any help you need."
Beast Boy added, "And maybe someday, you'll even find a way to help others, too."
Dove nodded, eyes finding the floor... gaze distant, wondering if it ever could be true for her.
Raven and Starfire began debating which flavors to steep, and Dove decided, if she did find a way to help others, she only hoped it wouldn't overwhelm her again.
This takes place shortly after Dove’s debut. After Raven’s night is interrupted by another flashback riling Dove’s powers to the breaking point, she decides to take Dove back to Azarath, in the hopes of helping her find closure.
Raven had waken as if from a nightmare; too fast and hard, the time rather deep in the night even for her, a habitual night-owl.
But her sleep had been dreamless.
The panic pulsing in her awareness was empathic, and its source: The room Dove was currently occupying. The room she stood before this very moment. The room she entered the next.
And apparently, she'd waken just as Dove's powers went ballistic. Waves of cold static crested and sent ripples through the air, bombarding her senses with staggering blasts of frantic mental energy, and a glass on the bedside table shattered to the floor, all with Dove's incoherent words yelping through the cacophony of destruction.
Insistently images rose to erupt in her mind, but Raven only flinched once before she shielded herself against the telepathic projections. Approached Dove's struggling form. Sat on the bed. She needed a breath for focus against the roar of fear swathing the room (and swamping her senses), but once she assured herself she was... steady, she reached out, with her hands as well as the shadow of her soul, and felt her energies bridging the gap between her stable mind and the trembling form that was Dove.
She tapped into it, engaging that familiar empathic routine, just as she had done so many times before.
Only this time, nothing pressed out against her, forbidding her from instant influence.
She prepared to wake her up– But quickly realized Dove wasn't sleeping. Her consciousness was altered, but not dreaming; altered in a different way, less familiar. And one harder to pull her out of.
"Dove," she called, voice held low but steady as stone, "I need you to listen to me."
She'd seen Robin in this state, felt it from Starfire, even felt it herself. She only hoped she could snap Dove out of it without using force.
"You need to calm down."
Dove suddenly blinked up at her, voice ragged and babbling in breathless anxiety. "I– I was having a nightmare. And then, I don't know when, but I was having, uhhm... a, what do you... call it...? Like a memory, but... in it–"
"A flashback."
She tried to say 'yeah', but the word lodged in her throat, and she could only nod, haltingly. She blinked her wide eyes and felt her breaths coming in great gulps, then put her head in her hands and let out a shuddering breath and couldn’t help realizing how slick her face was - like the rest of her, coated in cold sweat.
Thoughts and memories flooded her mind in snapshot agonies and lingering phantom sensations–
"It’s over, Dove. It's already done. And you escaped."
–she recalled the pain, suffering, and torment she had felt when it happened, the pain she had sensed through her vision, the terror of a thousand tortured souls dying by the power of Trigon; the hatred, fear and desolation settling in once more–
"Focus on my voice. You're here now. You're safe."
"...Raven?"
"I'm right here, Dove."
She blinked, rapidly, it seemed her mind caught up with her eyes, and remembered where she was: not in Azarath, about to be destroyed… She was in Titans’ Tower, about to release uncontrolled energies if she didn’t calm down.
The problem was that her emotions wouldn't listen to reason. She had always struggled to recollect herself after this happened… It was just so hard to find her center when she couldn't even find her roots.
But she had to try...
She expelled a frustrated and wistful breath and let herself fall backwards onto the bed.
Why did it have to happen..? Why couldn’t he just leave us alone? If he hadn’t–
“What’s going on?”
“My powers – I just… Nothing, yet.”
“Are... you okay?”
“Define okay...”
“Dove, I can sense it. Something's wrong.”
“Well, um... yeah. I just had that dream again and I’m… kind of remembering and wishing that– You know… I can’t really explain it. I mean, I don’t know if I can say it so you’ll understand…”
“Try me.”
“I don’t know! Really, I can’t explain the…”
“You don’t have to.”
Dove looked up at her face.
“I can sense your longing, and your confusion. But, Dove… Do you know what that vision meant?”
“Um… I think I already do… Azarath was going to be – well, is – destroyed. And the visions always show that everything there is... gone.”
Raven nodded.
“Weren’t you there when it happened?”
She nodded again… though slowly. “I was.”
“You never told me what you were there for.”
“It’s…”
Dove only seemed more flustered at her uncharacteristic note of hesitation. “It’s okay, if you don’t want to.” She sighed and put her head on her folded arms. “I just miss Azarath with all my heart!” Her voice thickened as she spoke, and she closed her eyes tightly – it was her only defense against the tears about to fall.
“Dove…”
Dove looked up. With her powers maddened to hypersensitivity by her emotions, she could feel something stirring, alive and whirling, with thoughts going through Raven’s mind, being reformed and changed, edited…
“Raven?”
"You need closure."
"Huh...?" Dove's voice was still weak, frail. But at least she got the word out.
"You can't move past it... until you have closure."
Her chin lifted, questions in her eyes.
"There's a lot you have to deal with. Your mind has been seriously damaged by what you've been through. I wonder..." And she trailed off there, hesitating, considering the concept before she dared give it voice.
Dove just kept looking up at her, brow still furrowed in confusion, yet entirely absorbed in her analysis. It was so true. Tearing her apart, every time she remembered... The nightmares and flashbacks wouldn't let her forget it.
Raven decided it was best to ask. “Would you like to see Azarath, just once more?”
Dove blinked, and froze, unsure if she'd heard her right.
“It won’t be anything like you remember.”
“Uh… Yeah, maybe–? How… Is it really a good idea? I mean, my... I can’t... I’m still – My emotions...“
“It won’t matter there, Dove." Her voice's normal flatness was replaced with a bitter edge of nihilism. "And… You’re wondering what it’s like now.”
Dove nodded shyly. “A little…”
“I can take you… Only if you want. Only if you think you’re ready.”
Dove tilted her head, then gave a small nod.
“Are you sure? It’s not exactly golden streets anymore.”
“That’s kind of obvious, but... I’d still like to see it. Be there, one more time... Kind of, say goodbye. I mean, Azarath always has this feeling– I dunno, I can’t explain it.”
“Not anymore,” Raven told her. “Since that day– Trigon completely destroyed it. That feeling is gone. The magic is gone. Everything is.”
“It is? But, it's... it’s still Azarath. It may only be ashes, but it’s still home to me.”
“It’s not going to feel much like home.”
Dove shrugged. “I want to know what it’s like.”
“If you’re sure...”
Dove nodded, her voice almost desperate now that Raven had presented the option, offered what she craved for the first five months on this world. “I’m sure.”
Raven stood up, and Dove followed. She felt a strange rush of excitement and anticipation sided by a hint of fear, but pushed it aside as she followed Raven out into the hall.
“Raven?"
She looked over her shoulder as they walked.
"Why are you doing this for me?”
“You should know what the vision meant. You can’t spend your life wondering. And I think you have a right to know.”
Dove sighed. Then she blinked, a bit uneasily. “How are you doing this?”
“With a little help.”
“From where? Who? What?”
“Calm down, first of all.”
“Sorry, I just – I’m a little excited, among other things…”
“And the anticipation is killing you.”
“Pretty much. Raven, this is Azarath we’re dealing with!”
“But it’s not the Azarath you remember.”
“...Hm…” What other Azarath could it possibly be? Dove couldn’t help wondering exactly what Raven meant by all of these emphatic warnings, but she could only hope, and weakly, that it wasn’t going to be too bad. And suddenly fear came to life again, a weird feeling against her hope, afraid it would ruin her memory of Azarath, but she didn't understand why. Nothing could be worse than the nightmare reel of screaming, burning, suffocating panicked genocide in her visions.
“Wait here,” Raven told her as she stopped in front of her door and entered. Dove looked at the door as it shut and realized that it was marked RAVEN. She couldn’t help wondering why she'd gone in.
Raven exited the room carrying a flask of a blue-white powder and a few candles.
“What’re we– ohhh… I’ve seen this before.”
“You have?”
“Well, uhhm, sort of? Srentha showed me. Not an actual demonstration, but he showed me a book. This is the ritual for dimensional travel, isn’t it…”
“How did you think we would get there?” She began setting the candles in the hall around them.
Dove asked timidly, "I thought... Don’t you have the power to Travel on your own?"
Raven told her flatly, "I can use all the help I can get. Seals of protection are sewn into Azarath's existence. Its dimensional boundaries were converted into energy shields. Nobody is ever supposed to find it. They made it very hard to get through."
"But you have the abilities to get there, don't you?"
“That doesn’t mean I have to use them.”
“Why not...?”
“I’m not sure how you would react, if you don't even like travelling at the speed of levitation– travelling at the speed of thought would be... rough.”
“We’re... using magic, then?”
Raven nodded. “Do you know the incantation?”
“Not really. I mean, sort of…”
“But you can focus yourself by now –I hope.”
“Pretty much.”
“You’re going to need to focus your mind–”
“On the destination.”
“Right.” Raven set up the last candle and waved her hand; in swift motion, the wicks ignited.
“Azar, I can’t believe I’m really doing this…”
“Why not?”
“I’m going back to Azarath. I’d always thought it was impossible… If it’s not really Azarath anymore, do you think the barrier is still there?”
“Somewhat. Sit down. Across from me,” she added as she sat with her legs crossed.
Dove nodded and did so. “Is this really going to work?”
“Yes, Dove.”
“Sorry, I’m... getting sort of annoying, aren’t I…”
“You said it, not me.”
“Sorry…”
“Don’t apologize. You want to know.”
“It really doesn’t bother you that much?”
"More than that."
“...Oh.”
Raven picked up the flask with her telekinesis, uncorked it, and poured a circle around them with the grainy powder.
“Start focusing on Azarath…”
“Alright.” Dove took in a breath, and exhaled it slowly, then closed her eyes and pictured the golden streets, the two suns hanging in the ever-clear sky, the buildings reflecting their light across the streets... She heard Raven chanting Azarath Metrion Zinthos and joined in, her voice sometimes faltering because she only knew half the incantation – Raven’s voice, however, only grew with intensity.
She could see specks of light sparking up through her closed eyelids, and soon an entire circle of glowing energies flared around them. She felt the prickle of space opening up, giving way to warp around them, and time warping with it, skewing perception, directional sense already going haywire. Dizzying her.
As soon as they finished reciting the words, the energies created a radiating cylinder from floor to ceiling around them, and they were pulled into a vortex of kaleidoscopic light, radiating iridescence.
“Stay focused and look ahead.”
Dove nodded. But Azar, that was hard– with the constant cycle of reality's facets rushing past, even her thoughts felt so awfully disoriented...
"Uh. Which way is forward, again?"
Rather than answer, her sister took her hand and pulled.
“We’re almost there,” Raven said.
Dove looked ahead hopefully, eager for it to be over. She could already see an area of solid white light –
“Close your eyes.”
Dove did so, and there was a flash of blinding light before so many strange and unusual sensations tore through them – the feelings of being torn through time and space, and entering an entirely different dimension.
“We're here,” Raven announced softly.
Solid ground met their feet, and suddenly gravity fell back into place.
Dove had traveled between the dimensions once before, but that was guided by Azarath's pathways and her own desperation. Raven's way was much faster. More direct. And it had her head and stomach and thoughts whirling so tightly she tottered, the moment her feet touched down, and groaned. She suddenly felt so disoriented, so dizzy– she couldn’t see straight, or remember how to balance out.
Raven held her shoulders, and muttered for her to realign her energies; she knows this place, ground herself.
"Breathe, and close your eyes until it’s over."
Dove finally felt herself stabilize, her stomach calm enough to look up–
Her eyes widened upon the sight. And her whole body was frozen in a whole new kind of disorientation, startled still. Raven was right: it was absolutely nothing like she remembered.
The place she remembered was brilliant, beautiful, and felt infused with magic.
This was not that place.
This was not her home.
All she could see on the skyline was ruins and ashes. There was a dangerous pathway of pointed volcanic rock where there had once been a street, and the air hung thick with sulfuric essence.
“Great… Azar,” Dove whispered, suddenly hardly able to speak. The heavy air didn’t help. “And you… you were there when this happened?”
Raven nodded solemnly.
Dove couldn’t even begin to imagine the horror of witnessing such a travesty. “Azar help you… I… I can’t… What’s wrong?”
“Just... remembering.”
“You don't want to talk about it, do you…”
“I'd rather not relive it."
“I– I thought so… Wow…” She kneeled on the ground and picked up a handful of the ash, letting it sift through her fingers as if searching for any nugget of gold that might possibly have survived. “This was once Azarath... Now what is it?”
“Nothing more than ruin and memory.”
“The bottoms of the buildings are still there… I wonder if... How much do you think survived?”
“Absolutely nothing.”
“Oh… Azar…” She gulped. “Uh, it’s a good thing you... you uhhm, warned me about this... I... I’d probably be sobbing, and…” She shuddered, hand to her mouth as she looked around, eyes wide and brow furrowing in sympathy. “Gods… I still can’t believe this... I know it happened, but… I’ve never seen anything like this… It’s hard to breathe…”
“The entire dimension was destroyed by a demon overlord. What else did you expect?”
“I don't know. I don’t know…" She felt delirious - reconciling her memories with this cold, hard, lifeless reality was more disorienting than the travel here. "Oh, Azar... This was the only place I’ve ever known since birth… And I had always felt so safe here, even when I was home alone, and then when I had to leave it was just so... so upsetting…”
She looks at Raven, and told her, "It's so.... so dead. The magic's still here, but... There's no one to give it life. I can feel it, it's... It's so quiet. And it's colder here, without the suns. There's no one to make it Azarath..."
When she finally trailed off, Raven cast her gaze to the dark sky. "There's also no one here to feel pain anymore."
It was Dove who stated, emptily and with cold, harsh realism: "They aren't afraid anymore."
The last thing she knew of Azarath… was fire; devastating; agony. Destruction. Violence. So much DEATH. But to come back, and find it… not hurting. Merely, inert... An ache, but not a blow. She didn’t cry. Her heart ached; she remembered, she wished… but there was reassurance here. Not just for the closure. To find her home, and for it to not be hurting...
It soothed her, immensely.
"Do you understand?"
Dove turned to her.
"I wanted you to know that, everything you saw in your vision? That was it. It's over. They aren't suffering anymore. And it isn't your responsibility to bear. You shouldn't have to spend your life reliving it."
Dove's silent... Watching her, eyes sincere and open, too humbled by her wisdom for words.
"We can't reverse it... We can't being them back. But we survived. And so will our memories."
Their gazes drifted out over the barren stone, all that was left of their homes.
Raven continued, "Your memories are powerful. Important. Azarath was a big part of both of our lives. And its people deserve to live on in our memory."
Dove nodded.... then she told her, softly: "I do understand."
Raven offered, "If you're having flashbacks again, you can talk to me."
Dove answered, distantly, "I won't be sleeping, anyways..."
"Don't you stay awake, after your nightmares?"
Dove nodded. "I'm trying not to... but..." She shook her head. "I won't be able to sleep."
"That's not surprising. Recovering from trauma isn't a linear process. What you experienced, was... huge. Life-changing. It's going to take you a long, long time to heal. I hope this helps."
Dove blinked... and after a moment, of visually sweeping the horizon, still drinking in the fact that... the darkness here was silent, and PEACEFUL, in a way her vision never showed.... Even in death, Azarath remained at peace.
She gave Raven the tiniest, most subtle of nods. But it was sincere.
Even in death, seeing Azarath again was comforting.
And for some reason, that was when her eyes prickled with tears that hadn't fallen at the ice-cold sulfuric air alone.
“We should probably go before your emotions escape again… I can sense–"
“Yeah.”
Raven nodded, a little sympathetically. She'd responded so readily– almost eagerly. And there was a quiver in her hands... though she remained rooted to her spot. Still looking. Still processing...
But something like this couldn't be processed in a single night.
“Come on,” she urged gently.
Dove took one last, longing, grieving glimpse around, a dull relief in her heart but an even vivider desolation gripping her mind.
Any thoughts, any secret daydreams she'd ever held of secretly returning to Azarath had just been ground into dust. And she left the dust there, swirling behind them as Raven chanted them away, wrapped in shadows even colder than the eternal night that had fallen across their childhood home.
actually even without that context, if you see this and like, care about, or are in any way at all curious about my characters, please read Heart to Heart.
It works without any context whatsoever, and it’s beautiful and adorable and between My One Actual True OTP: Dove and Srentha (secretshipping, if you will).
I’m just really proud of the way I characterized Azar in this scene and she’s important, so that’s important, and I had to share it with everyone even though maybe like two people here actually know anything about her importance, so HERE!
Context: The immediate sequel after DDD. This scene has been written and rewritten for 6 years and counting, and is still undergoing edits, but I really love the moment when Dove realizes she’s talking to her spiritual leader, directly, and maybe I can’t explain why that means so much to her. To me. But it does.
~*~
Dove somehow ends up coming across the shards of the Ring of Azar, feels traces of power, looks at it…
Inspecting them. (The gold, the runes...) Wait, where those Azarathean letters?
Then her eyes widened with amazement.
Looked just like the ring her mother had given her just moments before she fled Azarath.
Senses POWER, and it's PROTECTIVE - exactly what she needs. Goes to figure out how to use it...
Remembers something Raven had said about her friends using it to protect them from Trigon…
Ends up using it to pray during a meditation
Dove feels the peaceful yet demanding power of the ring... Wallows in it, loses herself completely to the trance.
Senses energies shifting around her... Telepathic reception tells her she'd reached far enough; she was no longer meditating alone in her room.
And then she opened her eyes.
Dove is SHOCKED.
She'd seen this form in her mother's visions and memories.
This wasn't some random energy forming an Earthen egregore of protection.
This was a woman's form complete with fully aware, fully alert eyes that pierced into her so steadily and sharply that it took her breath away.
This was the strength of pacifistic divinity embodied in one spirit.
This was AZAR.
And her greeting was simply, "Hello, young... stranger."
Said in a way that elicited explanation...
Dove gulped.
What had she gotten herself into?
~*~
"I haven't heard a prayer in quite a few years... Why have I never... heard from YOU before today[, and under such ~~~ circumstances]?"
"Ci-- Circumstances?"
She knows something's strange about Dove.
{{ Does she know?
She knows. But doesn't tell her. }}
Tells her: Don't have Azarath to watch over, ~~~~...
Dove can't tell if she's disapproving or just very, very scrutinous. (Suddenly realized, this was who Raven learned how to hide, and suppress, her emotions from. It seemed natural.)
Azar notes Dove's shock. "Were you not expecting to find me, by invoking the spirit of my rings?"
"I-- I didn't know, that they-- they were from You, or I-- I didn’t know you would..."
"Peace, little one. Why does my presence bring you such fear?"
Could never talk to her, never even prayed, not really, my mother couldn't even, just... Had never tried to reach out or anything in childhood-- I mean, on Azarath, because... Because I just, I couldn't. If she knew, wouldn't your mother? And the first Azar? Wouldn't you tell the priests, and everyone--? We, we couldn't... After what happened to Raven, we didn't want..."
Freezes, wide-eyed and open-mouthed in sudden anxiety she had just offended her own spiritual leader to her face. Whispers, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."
"You did not want us to know you were there."
"N-- No..."
"It wouldn't have done any good if we knew, or made any difference. What happened was doomed to happen regardless."
Dove nods... Blinks, and drops her gaze, suddenly fighting back memories of the vision, refusing to let herself think of it just now.
Wonders, "Would you have let me leave?"
"I let Raven, didn't I?"
"Weren't you-- You were... already dead... Weren't you?"
"As I am now. My body rests in the ashes of all the rest of Azarath. And do I seem any less present to you than your own body?
"No... No."
Awestricken, to the core of her soul. "No. Azar, I-- ...Azar."
Nods, a twinkle of amusement in her steady gaze.
"I understand," Dove breathed, struggling to process everything she'd learned here; everything Azar had told her.
Everything her mother's spirituality, and her grandmother's, and all her mother's ancestors for more than a millennium had anchored to. The force behind half of her existence was standing right before her.
And Dove was overwhelmed with reverence, and awestricken respect... and old anxieties she hadn't been able to shed.
"I-- I don't know why I called you here, I..."
"There was a reason. Even now, behind your fear, your pain weighs heavily on your heart. I may yet be able to help you." (Her voice was smooth, liquid, and calming, and grounded as stone, without any of the hard edges Dove expected.)
"Whether I always knew it or not, you are one of Azarath's children, iala Yona. And all of Azarath's children are my charge. You struggle. You have come to me. And what for, daughter of Azarath?"
Dove's voice is small, as even her best attempt can barely raise it above a whisper. "I... came to ask for help. Asks for directions to the... sanctuary, and protection." Anxious and deferringly defensive already. "I'm... hurt. I'm very, very badly hurt. Trigon's side of me took over, and... Raven helped me subdue it. But, she had to pull my mind apart to stop me from k-- killing anyone else."
Takes in a sharp, shuddering breath.
"Breathe. And seek the peace you know."
"I-- I'm sorry..."
"Trigon's power always seeks destruction and death. I imagine Raven knows this, better than anyone... Ahh, and I know her defiant spirit better than anyone else."
Dove can't do it on her own. So she needs to find the crystals. Thinks it might heal her. Thinks it might stop me, from... from giving in again, or... stop someone in her power from using it.
She thinks having the energies of Azarath and Azar's gems of power in her room, on Earth, would preserve a piece of Azarath, and her powers, far more than an inert cave...
Azar looks her in the eye, warns her that cave is not so insert. It is very dangerous [???]
Dove nodded, feels such concern in her deep gray eyes, even through the seriousness – says she knows, but she also knows that she’s the only person who can get to them
Azar tells her she is doing something very few would choose to pursue.
"I'm not afraid to die. I thought I would die a year ago." (bows her head...) "I'm already living on borrowed time."
"It will take dedication, and strength... You have pursued it this far. Surely those factors must already be present within you."
Dove smiles. "That's... exactly what Raven said."
"She had always been so very perceptive, and states the truth exactly as she sees it. She said it because it is true, Yona."
...
jesus hecking christ. I just spruced up my co/ver let\ter for my jo/b app/lications, and now this thing feels like a creation of silky-smooth poetry.
Look, I may not like bragging about myself, but when it comes to writing in full sentences with persuasive rhetoric and personality?
This thing is my jam.
~*~
Hello! My name is [RHS], and it is my goal to learn yours, learn your story, and help as many people as I possibly can. My specialties lie in customer service and animal care, both at home and in store, and these skills have come together for me in retail, wildlife rehabilitation, volunteer work, and in school. Communicating with team members and customers alike to make the most of every situation brings challenges I'm glad to meet, and lets us preemptively acknowledge problems I know we can come together to solve. But I also simply specialize in specializing. Avid curiosity and quick learning make it easy for me to adapt to any new environment, and I'd be delighted to learn new skills. I guarantee, I'll give it nothing less than my best!
Since my very first job in 2011, I've been using compassionate communication alongside proprietary programs, implementing phone calls and computer use for the customer care at the very core of my position. Every job since has let my communication skills flourish. Now I excel at customer service, solution seeking, communication, mediation, and exchanging information.
I've always thought that the real magic of computers lies in their incredible flexibility, and their immense capacity for helping people connect with each other. As a result, it'd be a great understatement to say I'm tech-savvy. I use MS Word and Excel for my own record keeping, and I'm also familiar with AbiWord, Bean, CorelDraw, LibreOffice, OpenOffice, Photoshop, PowerPoint, and Publisher. Typing at 75 wpm and editing easily as I go, I can fill anything in quickly and with acute attention to detail. I'm proficient with both Macintosh and Windows OS. There's no doubt my specialty lies in word processing.
A drive to reach beyond the established goals and tackle new challenges every day lets me use these skills to the fullest. As a self-motivated and independent worker, I come ready to give it my all, support my team and customers alike, and learn any new skills I don't already possess.
Rapid learning and acute memory offer me great amounts of growth in both training and application. Whether it's product knowledge, customer relations, individualized care, or each person's individual story, I both delight in and excel at customizing my approach to every scenario to find the solution that fits best for everyone. I don’t just solve the problems that come by, I seek opportunities to find solutions!
I may not have ten years of experience in every single job field I've ever considered applying for, but the only real solution to that is to get hired and learn from someone who's been in the field for a good long time. Every experience at a job builds the necessary skillset and experience that I will make the most of. While my job history may be retail and food service, I know there is so much more I have to offer customers than coffee, receipts, and change. I am more than ready to move beyond entry-level work and find a career path with a company that truly values its employees, its customers, and its purpose.
My name is [RHS], and I hope to hear from you soon.
Trigger warning for implied suicide ideation in this chapter. Also discussion of low self-worth, medical setting/recovery, multiple instances of vomiting, and general discussion of everything awful that happened in this story. It's really quite heavy in general, so take care!
A faint light somehow pierced the darkness, through the curtain of pounding pain-- before the black drowned her again.
~*~
Consciousness came in rounds of unsteady... slow... twitches, until the twitches became rolling waves of awareness, which quickly coalesced into... pain.
Slowly, she registered the light– the bright light, too bright, too painfully bright. She closed her eyes tighter and moaned; the light seared her already sensitive eyes and the beeping of a monitor only magnified the agony in her skull.
On instinct she began to explore her telepathy. She immediately regretted it. A deep ache resounded in her mind, and she couldn't think. All she could understand was that Raven and Robin were the only others in the room.
“Dove, can you hear me?”
Wading through muddled memories-- reaching for... recognition, finding familiarity... Robin’s voice. That was Robin's voice. And that was his concern, too.
Dove shifted, nodded, weakly.
“Are you okay?”
It was hard to comprehend words. But... compose an answer? Dove stayed silent, still trying to regain her bearings, wait for the wave of disorientation to pass... for a few long moments... and then she only managed to whimper.
No, she’s not, Raven thought. She was standing in the opposite corner of the room, not wanting to overwhelm her senses. But she was still watching very, very carefully.
Dove opened her mouth… tried to speak… She couldn’t, just yet. She took a few more moments to gather energy, and finally managed to choke out, her voice the faintest shadow of sound, “It hurts.”
“What hurts?”
“Everything,” Raven muttered. Her headache pressing against consciousness, pounding behind her eyes, her spine and collarbone burning under hypersensitive scarflesh, wounds stinging above strained and aching muscles, thumping with every heartbeat; her empathy picked up so many different pains in so many places.
Robin looked to the monitor. “Her vital signs are weaker than they should be.”
"And her mind..." She’s traumatized, Raven realized with a stab of remorse.
Dove shifted, trying to sit up, but was too weak, too dizzy… She swayed, moaned, hardly any sound– then she leaned and vomited over the bedside in heaving, choking, body-racking spasms, as her stomach tried desperately to purge Dove of something that wasn’t in its jurisdiction. After three days of unconsciousness, all it could force out was saliva and bile.
Raven blinked, debating whether or not Dove could handle being around her… She glanced at the monitor– Dove’s body temperature was 104.2.
“We need to keep her fever down,” Raven announced, deciding that Dove’s health was the most important thing right now.
Dove retched again.
Raven couldn't help but notice how viciously Dove was shivering, and every visible inch of her skin was glistening with perspiration, and she looked so pale...
Azar, how badly did I hurt her?
She began sifting through the myriad sensed discomforts, infinitely varied agonies, and looking for ways to ease them as Robin helped Dove back to resting position and began placing the ice packs on different vital points of heat on Dove's body. The nape of her neck, her forehead, her chest.
"She's dehydrated," Raven told him. "I'm-- going to get her some water."
Robin nodded. Though another IV bag was really what she needed, Raven needed something to do.
She took care to keep as far from Dove as possible – she still sensed her sister wincing as she passed.
When she reentered with a tall glass of water laden with ice, Robin had finished cleaning the floor and was now coaxing, against Dove's sharp and broken breathing, "Take it easy, Dove. Deep breaths."
She watched silently as he stood up, washed his hands, turned to her. She gave him the water to pass along.
He noticed, naturally. "Is there a reason you're staying so distanced?"
Raven nodded. "If I come too close, it might hurt her."
Robin regarded her quizzically. "Why would it hurt her?"
"It's… Her soul is… weak. The empathy, sensing my soul, is painful. You know my soul is different… It's not pleasant. She's sensitive right now, and any empathy hurts."
"That's why you told us only two people should be in here?"
Another nod. "She's in enough pain as it is."
Robin's gaze held steady on her, knowingly. He didn't have to look very hard to see what she really wanted: Raven needed someone to steady herself against. "But… doesn’t sensing her pain hurt you?"
Raven nodded solemnly, and her voice crossed between them in tired tones. "It does. It hurts in more ways than you know. But I... want to make sure she's okay." And she looked to Dove, letting a small shift cross her face.
And Robin caught it.
When her eyes fell on her sister, he saw that brief glint in her eyes, the moment of sorrow. Curiosity rose in the back of his mind– what had happened between the time Dove ran off and when Raven brought her back, bloody and unconscious, was a total mystery to the Titans. And now Robin had the faintest idea… but he knew better than to ask. She was being evasive, dissembling, and that meant she wasn't ready to talk.
~*~
The others cycled through vitals checks and drip changes like they cycled through any other chore.
Dove was rarely conscious enough to notice.
But still Raven kept her silent vigil and kept her distance, afraid to frighten Dove any deeper into herself. At least, she did until Starfire coaxed her into convening with the others just outside the med bay door.
"Why are you always over there?"
"Just giving her space," she verbally backhanded. "Look. Robin is probably the only person besides myself who should go in there. Starfire, your emotions are energetic; they'd be torment to Dove right now, and Beast Boy, yours are too loud. Cyborg's emotions are always so vivid. Robin has singular, focused emanations. His mind will be easiest for Dove to handle."
Robin was convinced she handled everything she could herself; she spent most of her waking time watching over her, acting as her bedside guardian. And considering how little she slept lately, that was a lot of time.
He was right. With senses trained to detect every fluctuation, every spark of awareness, Raven stayed with her, monitoring her. Carefully. Steadfastly keeping her distance. She had already done everything she could to heal her, and after the devastation her brash and desperate attack had wrought? She figured, it was the least she could do.
Whether Raven was fully conscious that night was debatable. But dream or not, she startled awake at a series of quietly clattering notes.
Had she heard that sound before--? Yes? Yes-- on the lips of a dying citizen!
She leapt to Dove's side, hands to her head, scanning her senses, the digital readouts, making sure-- but...
Dove's breaths weren't stopping. Her life force wasn't fading.
Refusing to tremble, Raven pulled back once she realized she's still stable. Took a breath. Secured her hold on her emotions, and looked back to the monitors: steady readings. A slower heartbeat than normal, but her blood pressure, respiration, and oxygen levels were within acceptable range.
Dove wasn't slipping away from her.
She stared at it, to make herself accept it... Enforce it. Then she made herself let out her breath, quietly, and take another breath in, two, three, four, five.... Only then did she settle back on the bed, but remained upright, watching Dove's sleeping form intently.
She stayed alert and vigilant that night, just in case.
~*~
"She's been sleeping for five days."
"What happened to her?"
At first Raven only admitted, “Saving her was… rough.”
“It was more than rough," Robin pressed. "On you, on her– she was barely alive when you brought her back, and now…”
“You’re always watching her," Cyborg voiced, "like you think she’ll slip away any minute.”
Beast Boy comforted, "But she’ll be okay."
And Starfire evinced: "She is in stable medical condition. She will recover."
“Maybe physically.”
“Raven, what’s bothering you so badly?”
Raven considered them... and then considered the futility of denying them. They knew something was wrong and would only press until she yielded, anyways. And so she let out a deep sigh, and looked away. “After I left, the day she confessed, I… went to her room. Found the mirror. Beast Boy, Cyborg, you know how bad it can be when we’re losing control. Except, she had already lost control."
"Of her powers?" Cyborg guessed.
"Of Trigon's influence. We fought. Hard. She wanted to hurt me. I tried to stop it, wake her up– but… the evil was too strong. It had taken hold of her like a cancer, and wouldn’t let her go. I had to remove it. But I… I didn’t know how deeply the evil was rooted in her. It was holding onto her from every level– body, mind, soul… holding onto her life.”
(She was doing her best to hide it, but her brows drew together and her voice wavered ever so slightly. And they knew her too well to not see how deeply this unsettled her.)
“And when I took that away, it nearly killed her. I nearly killed her. If I hadn’t been able to heal her…”
Cyborg interrupted, "Apparently you were."
Starfire supported, voice gentle, “You did not kill her, Raven. You saved her.”
“From what? She wouldn’t be in this condition if I hadn’t…”
Robin added gravely, “She wouldn’t be Dove if you hadn’t done what you needed to.”
Beast Boy: “If you didn’t stop her, she'd have to live with being evil. She'd probably hate that."
“And she already has a florglem of guilt to process.”
Cyborg finished, “Do you really think she’d want to live like that?”
"I knew something was wrong. For weeks. I could have done so much more, but--”
Robin broke in, “You did everything you could. You saved her life. You saved Dove.”
“But at what cost? She's unconscious. When she's awake, she can't even handle my presence.”
Cyborg reasoned, "She doesn't have it in her to hate you."
"I'm not so sure about that anymore."
Starfire's hand found Raven's shoulder, and her voice was soothing and sympathetic. "She is hurt, and afraid."
"Of course she's gonna be a little, you know..." Beast Boy transformed into a wooly sheep. "Baaa."
"She just needs a little time."
"She’ll forgive you."
"You know Dove will."
~*~
Dove had been watching him blearily one moment, and fainted dead away the next.
Robin checked the monitor yet again. "With this level of neurological activity, she shouldn't even be awake."
"Her mind is fighting against the pain, trying to regain consciousness so she's not left alone in the dark." Raven's gaze was sympathetic as she cast it over her shoulder. "She's reaching out because, as painful as it is to sense us, she doesn’t want to be alone. She's afraid of herself… and it's not just her body that's injured."
~*~
With every round of waking, Dove clung to it longer and longer. As Raven approached each time, coming closer and closer, cautiously testing the limits of Dove's newfound sensitivity, she stayed near her longer, coming even closer, until the day Dove noticed.
"Raven?"
"Yes?"
Her breath wavered. "Can-- Can you-- Please, can you..."
Raven tried to parse it, but there was no request to fulfill. "What do you need?" She asked it more harshly than she meant to. "Can I what?"
"Can you stop it?"
Had she come too close; did she overestimate Dove's tolerance? It was so frustratingly vague. But Dove's mind had barely waken up, and the damage was immense, she reminded herself... Still, she felt a little frantic with desperation to fix it. "Can I stop what?"
Dove's eyes locked closed and she shivered hard enough to stir a wave of dizziness, and she swallowed against its sickening instability. "Can you make it stop?"
Oh. Raven didn't know what to say to that. "I..."
"Please..."
Raven's brow furrowed; she'd already healed everything her powers could heal... "Dove, I--"
"Please, please make it stop..."
Maybe there were magics she could use. Maybe her power could go further. Maybe she just needed to try harder. "Hold on," she told her, "I'll try."
(???Ruler???)
That day was a mess. She tried three separate potions to soothe the chaos and agony in her mind, but they seemed to make Dove sicker than food alone. They tried a medication to stop the vomiting, but it confounded her senses further. Convincing her to eat again was a struggle, and she vomited half her meals anyways, and at that point all Raven could do was offer her water and try to keep her calm. It seemed there was no power left in her, no strength for feats as simple as eating and drinking.
Frustrated with helplessness, Raven fell back on her own innate power once more. She reached out for Dove's head and forged the connection.
Dove’s subdued consciousness still resisted weakly – Raven overcame her will with a gentle push past Dove's guards and a lighter pull on the pain, hoping to ease Dove’s fear.
Sweat lined her brow; there was so much pain... She had to pause, and withdraw, then let out a breath to let it go and regather her energies... then she reached out gently, slowly, for Dove’s shattered mind–
Dove pulled away from her. And Raven felt it, how utterly terrified Dove was to let Raven near any part of her.
Raven sighed, slightly hurt but far more sympathetic. Maybe Dove’s emotional trauma would make it more injurious than healing if she tried to force her broken mind back together. No, this kind of injury would need time.
Thus resigned, she decided she needed a break.
She left the medical ward and leaned against the wall, head bowed, eyes closed against the pain that washed over her every time Dove woke up.
She sensed it, but elected not to acknowledge it when Beast Boy leaned beside her, the others following shortly.
Of course he wasn't going to let her ignore him. "Sooo, kinda weird how you both seem kinda hurt, huh?"
"Not really."
"Are you hurt, too? Cuz usually, couldn't you just, you know... heal Dove?"
"I can..."
Robin asked, "So why don't you?"
"What Dove has been through hurt her in a lot of ways. You saw the way she was changing. How afraid she was to even look at us. I may be able to change how she feels it, but there are some pains I can't take away."
She raised her eyes to them, meeting their gazes in turn, taking in their nods and tilted heads and sharing their concern.
"She needs to heal on her own this time."
~*~
After a week, Raven noticed, not for the first time, that whenever someone walked into the hospital ward, Dove flinched whether her eyes were open or not. She was staying conscious. Good sign that it was, Dove probably didn't need the added stress.
"Dove will heal better alone," she told the others. "Every bit of reception hurts her."
Of course they made sure she was healthy enough to move her from the machines first.
Dove had opened her eyes to watch, and though her responses were sluggish, she could nod. Answer Robin's questions, in a murmur.
Cyborg offered, "Do you need help moving her?"
Raven wasn't sure Dove wanted anyone to touch her. They tried to ask. But Dove's gaze was already going distant.
With a touch of telekinesis, Raven picked Dove up yet again and carried her to her room, unable to help noticing how weakly Dove gripped her shoulders.
Dove, managing to hold onto awareness and make sense of their voices, could detect Raven’s emotions radiating from her soul in painful waves, and the empathy was so sharp and vivid, only multiplied by the closeness and the physical contact, it was dizzying… but she didn’t want to refuse her sister’s help. Raven’s guilt and remorse were so deep. She didn’t want to tell Raven that she was hurting her even now.
By the time Raven entered the unmarked room and set Dove gently in her bed, she realized that Dove had slipped from consciousness.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, covering her with the blanket, whispering a prayer... and then leaving her to heal.
~*~
When Raven hesitantly entered Dove’s room carrying a cup of Dove’s favorite herbal tea, with mint leaves brewed in and ginger added in hopes that she could keep it down, she didn’t find Dove on the bed. The traumatized telepath was huddled in a corner, with her hood up, her knees raised, and her arms wrapped around her stomach, her hands laying uneasily over her ribs. It seemed like the wall and the bookshelf were the only things keeping her from collapsing.
“You’re moving too fast,” Raven advised softly, her expression concerned as she set the tea on the bedside table and then knelt next to her sister. “You should get back in bed.”
Dove huddled more closely into herself, her head bowed, her eyes closed, and her expression hidden. But Raven didn’t need her empathy to know that Dove was in pain.
“It hurts,” she croaked, her voice so tense, there was no doubt it still cost her great effort to speak.
“I know,” Raven replied quietly. “Why did you get up?” With effort, she kept her voice an even tone she hadn’t used with Dove in so long.
Dove whimpered, biting her lip. “Raven, in the hospital ward…” She shivered, her voice so weak it sounded raspy. “When they came in, it hurt… Their concern… so… so strong… and it hurt…”
“That’s why I moved you here.”
“I don’t... like them worrying about me…”
“It’s natural,” Raven assured, wrapping an arm around Dove’s back and urging her in vain to get up.
Dove opened her eyes, her head still bowed but looking up at Raven, flickering with the candle’s flame. There was so much pain and so much sorrow in her gaze, and some kind of dampened fear… Even with her eyelids wilting and the flame being too weak to show any other part of her face, her eyes said so much. “I don’t know if I can…”
“How did you make it over here?”
“I lost my balance… and I… fell down, I didn’t walk…”
Raven sighed. “Can you at least try to stand?”
Dove blinked uneasily, then nodded, the motion so faint that Raven almost missed it.
Dove unwrapped her arms, set one on the ground, and used the other for balance, the wall for stability as she shakily lifted herself up. Dizziness fell into her, the world started spinning, and she leaned into Raven’s arm, desperately trying to fight off waves of nausea.
“Are you okay?”
Dove’s only response was a weak moan.
Prompting her sister to trust her, Raven wrapped her arm around Dove’s waist, placed her other hand on her shoulder, and she took a small, slow step forward.
Dove tried to follow suit, but ended up toppling instead.
Raven barely caught her and helped her stand upright. “Don’t rush yourself.”
Dove shuddered as she dragged her foot ahead warily, suddenly forgetting which way was forward.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to…?”
Dove shook her head, throwing off her balance again. “I can do it,” she rasped, her words shaky and uneven as her steps.
“You’re not going to heal if you keep stressing yourself like this.” Still, Raven guided her forward as gently as she could manage.
Dove misstepped yet again, her balance so diminished that even the flat floor seemed to waver.
Raven paused, readjusting her arms so she held her in a brace of stability. “Just follow my lead,” she muttered reassuringly, taking care to keep her steps even, slow, and soft.
Though she could barely find enough strength to lift her feet and the world whirled alarmingly with every step, somehow Dove managed to make it to the bed. It was as if Raven was giving her strength… but the room didn’t still once she collapsed on the bed. Almost afraid to move, she gripped the blanket under her, as if it would hold the swaying room still and give her a chance to catch her breath, relieve the sickening dizziness--
“If walking across the room was that painful, you definitely need to stay in bed.”
Dove bit her lip, and she gathered the little strength she had left. “Raven…?”
“Yes?”
“I… I don’t feel– I’m gonna be sick,” she choked out.
Raven nodded as she retrieved the bowl via telekinesis, then helped Dove prop herself up until she expelled what little she had eaten.
Once she was done, Dove’s arms refused to support her anymore, and she collapsed onto her caretaker with a frail moan, wrung-out and ready to burst into tears.
Raven used the damp cloth to wipe her lips. “Just breathe,” she said, not used to feeling like she was Dove's only source of comfort, but sensing Dove’s weakness, and knowing how upset she was? It was only right to comfort her, she needed it.
“I… I don’t want to… to be weak…” Dove shuddered, and Raven placed the rag aside.
“Sometimes you need to be weak,” Raven told her quietly. “You’ve been through so much in the past months. Give yourself time to heal.”
Dove closed her eyes, taking in a soft breath, and trying to relax. Raven’s soul felt so… so warm… even the concern and the sympathy, such emotions that almost hurt, were so welcoming. So compassionate…
…but still so strong– powerful… overwhelming…
...exhausting.
Dove shuddered, and then consciousness slipped from her yet again. She was stronger, but still not ready to endure movement, and gravity, and emotions, all in such a short period of time.
~*~
With her consciousness returning, her cloak started shifting too. But it remained grayscale.
Dove could only feel numbness and pain at first. Without a mindspace to reside in, her emotions hardly existed as anything more than the weakest breezes slipping through her. Her cloak echoed that in a faded and dull white, gray and depleted, always something colorless and undefined. For a long time, while her mind struggled to rejuvenate itself, it laid like a cloak of solid fog over her, empty and disoriented.
Three days later, Dove was still in pain, but at least now she could hold her eyes open and she could talk without pausing for breath on every other word. She still only ate because Raven told her she had to, but that didn't stop her stomach from protesting, and that day she found herself too sickened by the rising memories to hold her breakfast down.
The cascade of emetophobic panic finally broke through the emotional fog, giving rise to bitter disgust and painful energies that even now she had to fight desperately to suppress, and the stress only made matters worse. The fear flooding through her raw mind stung worse than the acid in her throat.
Dove whimpered miserably and sat up, barely strong enough to even lift her own chin, and she was promptly greeted with a dizzy spell. Balance suddenly fled–
She swayed, overcorrected, the world spun, and she collapsed backwards… onto something steady, silken, and dark.
“You’re going too fast,” a quiet voice reminded her.
“Raven--” Her breath hitched. Was she crying?
"Yeah. I came to make sure you're okay..." Moving the bowl aside, she observed flatly, "I guess not."
"The memories..." Dove shuddered, eyes locking closed, biting her lip.
Raven offered the glass of water she'd brought with her. "You're remembering?"
Dove reluctantly took a single sip. "Some of it. I felt hatred, and I enjoyed it, it made me feel... complete. But it felt so TERRIBLE. It almost... almost feels worse than knowing I'm-- I'm a m-murderer."
Raven wasn't ready to touch that one yet. "How are your aches?"
Judging by how readily she accepted the change of subject, neither was Dove. "I feel... better, but I don't want to get up. It's like, like the guilt is... too heavy, weighing me down." She was too weak to deny it anymore, and everything she had done came back to her memory, and she could no longer hide from the truth. “I don’t even really remember it... It's all faded, distant, like it was just another terrible dream..."
"A nightmare," Raven recalled.
"It wasn't real to me until you guys were in danger."
"I know the feeling."
“Raven, I hate what I did, I-- I’m not evil, I’m not like that!”
Raven nodded, setting the glass down and sitting next to Dove on the bed, her receptive expression showing that Dove held all her attention.
“I’m a good person, I know, I-I mean, I think I know, but I was doing things that only an evil person would do… I thought I might… turn…”
Raven hesitated, wondered if she shouldn’t tell her… but Dove could handle it. She was stronger than she knew, and she deserved to know the truth. “Just before I came, he took you, and he used your anger, your frustration, your pain, to break down whatever inhibitions you had, and for awhile… you did.”
Dove’s eyes widened, then they became moist with a fresh wave of tears. “No… Raven, did I really let him--? I did, didn’t I…” She braced her head in her hands and whimpered, the painful memory surfacing and her voice becoming tense, tearful. “I actually wanted to hurt you…” She gulped back a sob and her breath hitched in her throat. "Azar, Raven, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I never thought... Everything I said..."
"It only hurt because it’s true."
"I still didn’t have to say all those things..."
"I deserved it."
"Raven, I hurt you over and over again, and over and over you forgive me." Her voice strengthened with incredulity. "How can you forgive me?"
"Because I care about you, not just your powers, or our sisterhood, or our father. I know you didn’t want that to happen. And I know... I know how deeply it hurt you to--" hurt me-- she bit that back to spare Dove's guilt. "–to lie to me. Besides," Raven told her, "I devastated your mind." It was so matter-of-factly, but so uncharacteristically heavy with guilt. "I think we're even."
Dove's desolation ached within her own soul, but she couldn't let Dove suffer alone. "We survived, Dove. It's over."
Dove shook her head. "No, it's still there. I-I can feel it... still... It's not gone." Her eyes were tearful, wide and desperately afraid. "What if it comes back? What if I do something... something horrible?"
Raven nodded in response. "I know that fear, too." She corrected, trying to tread lightly, "It's never going to go away." There was another aspect, too, but Dove had to come to that realization on her own.
And when she did, Dove shuddered. "Raven..." She gripped the blanket, tensed and huddled into herself. "It wasn’t new. It was... it was always there. Wasn't it..."
Raven nodded acknowledgement. "It's better if it doesn't stay hidden. You're aware of it, you confronted it, and you'll have better control over it, now that you know the truth."
Dove shook her head, burying it in Raven's shoulder. "But I-- I don't want to be evil."
"Dove, listen to me. You are not evil."
Dove choked on a sob and shook her head again. "No, Raven, why-- I know that-- I mean, I think I do-- but... If I'm not evil, then why would I-- why did I...?"
Raven's voice was solemn but gentle. "You know why." But knowing from her own experience how frightening it was to wrestle those thoughts, Raven elaborated. Just in case, maybe, Dove didn't. "It was born into us. Trigon’s power was bred into us to serve his purposes."
Another sob caught itself in her throat.
"But the evil in our heritage doesn't make us evil, too."
And then Dove moaned weakly, the soft noise sounding more like a whimper. "Raven, if it's always there..." She paused and inhaled shakily, steadying herself and hoping she could still speak, even with the tightness in her throat. "...doesn't that mean... it's a part of me? And if it's me... How can I ever be good?" She lifted her head and blinked up at Raven through the tears, praying to understand, praying for comfort.
Raven held her gaze for a few moments, eyes sympathetic. “That... is something I struggled with all my life. Dove, everyone has good in them, and everyone has evil. Which you choose to act on makes all the difference."
"But, I-- I didn't choose, I didn't want to do bad things, I... I tried to stop it. And I failed. I'm too weak... Maybe I'm too weak to be good." Her eyes fell low in self-disappointment. "My dark side was right... I'm pathetic."
"That isn't true."
Dove only closed her eyes, ready to cry all over again.
"You fought as hard as you could, for as long as you could. You kept trying to fight it off, even after it seemed hopeless. Don't think for a moment I couldn't feel how hard you were fighting. How the struggle tore you apart." Raven shook her head. "You have to be strong, because you were strong enough to fight it back, for all that time, even without the specialized training I was raised with.”
Dove said softly, “But it wasn’t enough.”
"You only lost because you allowed herself to. If you hadn't given up, and believed in your own strength, your dark side wouldn't have been able to win. If you don't let doubt overcome your mind, it can never overcome you in function."
Dove confessed, doubly ashamed in the face of Raven's belief: "I felt like I had no choice but to give in…"
And Raven only enforced, “There is a choice. There always was, and there always will be.”
"But that means-- giving in, I-- I let myself!"
"And you think making that mistake negates every other choice you made?" Raven told her, confident, reassuring, without any hesitation: "You're stronger than you know."
"I... guess I did try, but..."
"Trying alone takes bravery. And you only gave in to protect your friends. The only family you have."
Dove hissed in a breath. But didn't deny it.
"Now you know. And it is your responsibility to learn from your mistakes. You can never give up, never let him take you-- for your sake, and for all the lives you save by fighting it off."
~*~
The next time the Titans convened, it was in the wake of another one of Dove's nightmares.
Cyborg's concern came through in his voice. "I don't like hearin' her scream like that."
"And I don't like her powers projecting those kind of dreams." Beast Boy shivered. "It's seriously scary stuff."
Raven broke in, "Dove may be healing physically, but she's also suffering from mental and emotional pain. She's... struggling."
Beast Boy flapped his hand. "Yeah, duh."
Cyborg wondered, "Is she gonna be okay like that?"
"She’s strong, stronger than any of us know."
Starfire's brows were wound tight with concern. "Is there anything we may do to ease her discomfort?"
Raven was silent a moment, thinking heavily, carefully considering her delicate condition... "Be there when she comes to us. But she needs space right now. She has... a lot to think about. And she's not going to get better until she works it out herself."
~*~
Raven said her body had healed, but the concern of Dove's mental health remained.
Once she was able to stand on her own, she walked though the tower with half-lidded eyes, gaze distant, thoughts completely consuming.
Naturally, when she passed Robin in the hall, he noticed her dragging demeanor. "Everything okay?"
Dove paused... but it took too long for her to find an answer.
Robin added, "Is something bothering you?"
His prompt was gentle, but Dove dropped her gaze regardless. Deep down, she knew he was right. She could tell that this haze was wrong, but she couldn't care. "I deserve how much this hurts, don't I?" The more she spoke, the deeper she seemed to spiral into certainty and shame. "I don’t deserve friends, I don't deserve you! All this pain is well deserved, I… I should turn myself in."
Robin held up his hand immediately. "Whoa, whoa. Dove, where is this coming from?"
"You need to send me away!" She shook her head, brow and mouth contorting in a grimace of delirious guilt. "I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve friends, I shouldn't be around people... I'm far too dangerous, too unstable!"
"You're right about one thing: Your emotions are unstable right now. That's normal for someone in your situation."
Dove looked up at him, holding still, but wild grief still darkening her eyes.
"Let's handle that first, before we do anything rash."
"I don't think I can handle it."
"Alright, then I'm going to help you handle it. Just take a breath."
Dove's frantic flight crashed into resignation that he didn't understand, but she took the breath anyways.
"Listen to me. We're not going to send you away. Especially now that we know you can't be alone."
"I can't be trusted to keep everyone safe," she whimpered.
"Not on your own. That's why you came to us in the first place. None of us does well on our own. But here, in the Tower, is the safest place for you to be. If you really want to keep everyone safe, you have to stay here, with us. With Raven."
"For all the good that did," Dove pointed out, sharp and bitter.
"Yeah. The good where she stopped you and prevented anyone else from dying. You're staying here," he told her, authoritative and final.
And then he quipped, rather darkly, "Psych wards aren't exactly qualified to handle demi-demons, anyways."
It was half in jest, but Dove's shoulders fell anyways, knowing he was right. And really, who else was?
~*~
Instead, Dove confined herself to the isolation of her room.
After Robin's concerning report and a full week of nobody catching sight of her, Raven elected to confront this new development.
On the bed, Dove turned away as soon as the door was open.
Raven took the cue and leaned against the wall instead, crossing her arms. "Running from your problems never worked before."
"I'm not running, I'm... protecting you. I'm dangerous, Raven. Maybe I should stay away from people, or it'll happen all over again..."
"Solitary confinement won't cure the guilt. Especially with your situation, this might only make it worse."
"I don't CARE! My health doesn't matter if I'm going to put everyone in danger."
"Listen to me. I know that feeling. And I also know that it's not going to help."
"How do you know, Raven? How do you know?"
"Because you won't be able to keep others safe if you destroy yourself first."
That rendered Dove speechless, and she just blinked up at her in shock.
"We care about you, Dove. We know you're a good person. We know you're struggling. And like it or not, we don't want you to leave."
~*~
Racing, dodging, Dove's desperate evasion lasted one more moment before they latched on.
Reaching white tendrils wound her up, locking her in place, tight enough to suffocate her. She was trapped! She writhed, straining against the binds locking her arms down, piercing into her skin and searing like a flame wherever they touched.
The darkness around her was deepening. Her groan rose to a cry, a plea--
Dove suddenly heard herself coughing, and her eyes were open. But she felt no fear, no shock. She didn't even feel startled when her eyes flicked up and Raven was there, holding her hands to Dove's head.
"Raven?"
In fact, even after the scene she'd just escaped, she didn't feel anything... and that was enough to tell her that Raven was draining her fear away.
Raven didn't respond, too focused on making sure she was emotionally stable. Making sure her powers were stable. The static force around her was gone... and with her goal accomplished, she hurried to get up and leave.
"Do you really think I'm that weak?"
Raven paused.
"That I... can't even handle my own nightmares?" No response. No motion...
"I've had them all my life." Her voice was still cold, unemotional from Raven's touch. But she wrapped her arms around herself, just lucid enough to remember how they had scared her. "They've never been easy. But I can handle them... If anything, I can handle the nightmares."
"Your powers were close to breaking free." Raven spoke it with strict cold factuality, without even turning to her.
Without answering Dove's question.
Dove didn't respond, only bowed her head... and Raven only barely felt the shift in Dove's emotions when she heard her breath catch. When she finally did turn, Dove had lain down, and wrapped herself tightly in the blanket.
Raven hesitated. But she walked back over when she heard her voice catching again. Sniffling... Yeah, Dove was crying.
This time, she only stood at the bedside.
"Raven..." Dove took in a shuddering breath, blinking up at her sister. "I am dangerous... It's not safe to have me around. Is it?"
"That's why we train."
"I could hurt people again."
"Just make sure it doesn’t happen again."
After a heavy silence, Raven walked towards to the door once more.
Dove's voice was quiet... unemotional, uncertain... Unbiased. "I killed five people," she muttered, voice wispy, insubstantial, barely there. "Do I... deserve to die?"
At that, Raven froze. Set her hand on the threshold, and bowed her head, only half turning to Dove as she carefully, quietly, worded her response. That wasn't a thought she could take lightly if she wanted to. "You are a fundamentally good person."
"But that wasn't enough to stop it. Me, being good... doesn't make what I did okay."
"No. It doesn't. But we all have our dark days." She found herself walking towards Dove yet again.
"But... I hurt people. I killed them... That's-- That's... unforgiveable. Isn't it?"
"You gave in. You surrendered. That was the only reason you hurt people. You didn't want to... but you gave up. And I don't think you'll be making that mistake again."
"I would've just lost the fight, anyways."
"How do you know that?"
Dove's gaze dropped. "But, how do you know I wouldn't? I'm too weak... I-- I don't think I can stop it, if it happens again..."
"You fought so hard, for so long. How can you still call yourself weak?"
"Because it didn't matter. I wasn't strong enough. The good in me, just... it didn't matter when I lost." Her voice strained under the weight of her guilt. "I never wanted to hurt anyone, and it happened anyways. It happened eight times." "And if it ever happens again? We won't let you fight alone. There is no shame in telling those who care for you that you need help. I brought my father-- our father--" She paused for just a moment, before shaking her head and deciding she'd sort those emotions later. "--Trigon here, to destroy the world. When I had to do the most awful thing I've ever done... You saw how it happened. My friends helped me. And now... We're still here, aren't we? You have to hold onto hope, that the good in us, in this world, can overcome the evil."
She tried to look into Dove's eyes, but she refused to meet her gaze. So she let the gravity in her voice convey her sincerity instead.
"If my life can be redeemed, after everything that happened... then yours can, too."
"Yeah, but... When-- After the prophecy-- Those people... They weren't dead. Their souls were held in stasis, you-- You brought them back. I can't do that, Raven! They're DEAD! I'll never be able to bring them back, I-- I can't fix them, I can't take it back, I can't... I can't just undo everything I did!"
"And nobody expects you to try."
"Then what am I supposed to do?"
"We have to live with our mistakes."
"How am I supposed to live with it? I can't forget it. I can't stop thinking about it. They're dead, but... They're still here. With me. Their voices-- I can see their faces, and feel their terror, and pain, and they're in my dreams!" Her face was drawn tight, and her eyes had grown wide and distant in horror, skin going paler than her dress. "They're still haunting me."
She shuddered violently, clutching her head, clearly terrified. "I don't want to hurt anyone ever, ever again. But I don't think I can stop it."
"You won't have to do it alone, Dove."
Dove remained silent.
"We're here for you."
Dove was still silent, still unsure how it happened, still unsure why they remained... But Raven meant it. As much as guilt clouded her mind, her telepathic senses rang with cutting clarity that Raven's offer was sincere.
She nodded. Pulled into herself... and nodded.
Raven stayed there, waiting to wonder if she had anything else to say. Silent support... until Dove fell asleep, too exhausted to stay awake, even when there was so much for her to process, to reconcile.
She needed it.
Raven at least touched her mind, gently, to make sure her sleep was free from nightmares this time, and left her to recover in peace.
~*~
It didn't last long. The nightmares inevitably returned to scenes of being torn apart and lost in the blackness of the astral prison.
It was so dark-- too dark even for her, and despite her exhaustion she tried to push it back. It was swallowing everything, the whole world lost in its tide until it found her, and she was lost too.
It sapped away her strength, every thought of will and resistance swallowed uselessly, until even the darkness within her was choked to silence, and suddenly that silence was all she had.
It was cold, terribly cold, and it hurt-- her mind burned with it, ripped and seams tearing apart into wounds bleeding desperation. It seeped into her, clawing deep to her bones and deeper and deeper still, past her emotions and into her soul, erasing all thoughts but the fear, the horrible suffocating fear, and the pain! Oh, the PAIN!
She closed her eyes against the darkness but she could still feel it ravaging her from the inside out. Its agony ripped into every aspect of her being. It overwhelmed her, all-consuming, and when it touched the very deepest part of her, something shattered--
Dove jolted awake and SCREAMED. She tried to sit up but her arms were too weak and she collapsed to her side, huddled into herself and swallowed the rest of the screams to a whimper. Then she gasped and her eyes flew open; she sensed--
She let out a soft moan as she lifted herself up, slowly this time, still shivering with weakness, and she blinked through the tears, and... She managed to focus her eyes on the figure standing at her bedside.
“Dove...”
“Raven,” she whimpered, her eyes widening as the memories stormed through her. She locked her eyes shut and turned away with her teeth grit against them.
“Dove, you - "
Dove groaned, a violent shudder wracking her body.
“What was it?” Raven asked, her voice quiet, her tone stable.
Dove's breath caught, and she closed her eyes, bit her lip. Gathering her thoughts. “I... I remembered...” She stopped there, not knowing how to explain it - and the choking fear wouldn’t let her finish anyways.
Raven sat on the edge of the bed. Though she could sense how fragmented the emotions were, she could feel exactly how afraid Dove was.
"Raven - " She looked to meet her eyes-- She flinched. She was terrified of Raven right now - with consciousness returned, her emotions came back as well. She could think now, she could feel... and she could remember.
"What I did to you, I'm..." Raven bowed her head, her hands folding to fists to steel herself. "I'm sorry. Resetting your mind was the only way to save you. I didn't mean to attack, but I wasn't prepared to feel that much… evil in your mind. And when I went in, I had to go so deep to remove that evil, until…"
Dove blinked. "I forgive you, but..." Her voice was frail. "I don't think I can forget..."
Raven shook her head. Dwelling on her guilt wasn't going to help either of them. "The least I can do is help you rebuild your mind."
"You can do that?"
"I think so." (She hoped so.) "If... that's what you want?"
"When can we start?"
Raven wasn't prepared for that frantic impatience. "Uhh... Whenever you think--"
"Right now?"
"...Sure." It wasn't her plan when she came in tonight, but Dove's voice was edged in desperation, and the sooner Dove reclaimed her own mindscape, the better.
It felt strange to settle into instruction so late at night, sitting on Dove's bed before her like it was any other training session, like Dove hadn't become a serial killer, like Raven hadn't torn her mind to shreds.
(But dwelling on her guilt was not going to help.)
"The best thing is meditation. Remember what your mind felt like before. Accept reality-- don't convince yourself something's not there. You have to be true to yourself to be in true control. Let yourself be guided by your intuition, and your self-awareness."
Dove still hadn't moved into position, though. "Even after you... destroyed my mind, the evil’s still there, still alive. What if-- If I..." She couldn't put words to her fears.
But Raven tried to soothe them anyways. "It’s always there. It's a part of you. But it doesn't have to be the only part."
Dove's lips were tight... but she realized she hoped that was true more than anything in the world, so she nodded, and she crossed her legs, and she closed her eyes.
"Now, calm down. Breathe. Meditate. Look into yourself."
A shudder jolted Dove’s whole body at the thought.
Raven’s voice was as calm and even as always. “I know it terrifies you to do that, but I’m here, Dove. I can help you.”
Dove swallowed. Raven had given her instructions, and more out of habit than any real faith, she obeyed.
Raven knew Dove felt helpless, everything she'd said since their battle had been so resigned, and as usual, she needed to guide her. She set her hands on Dove’s shoulders and gently opened the shutters closed so stiffly but weakly over her mind. Dove didn't resist, she didn't pull away, so Raven went deeper. She timed her breathing, modeling it slower and deeper each round until Dove matched it, and they breathed in sync.
Now it was just a matter of getting Dove to introspect.
The remnants of panic from the dream were ebbing away, but Raven knew she could help it along. She reached into her awareness of Dove, and to her pleasant surprise, Dove met her halfway. Connecting was easy from there, drawing their minds so close they were like one, and still Dove didn't run from her. She let her calm flow over Dove to take away the excess fear, not touching Dove’s deepest and truest self, only manipulating what she must to help ease Dove into herself.
She slipped into the trance, and Raven followed her in. Into herself, into her thoughts, into her deepest inner world.
Dove was finally able to see the void of her mind – and the fear charged right back.
“Raven– Raven, it’s so dark– empty--” Choking, gasping; “Raven, I don’t want to--”
“I’m here, Dove,” she promised, “and I’m not leaving. But you need to try. Look around.”
Dove was trying to take in deep breaths-- deep, shaking, feverish breaths.
Raven tried to focus her. "What does it feel like?"
“Crackling – crackling – i-it’s fire…” She shuddered. Suffocating shadows cast by no light enveloped everything around her, fire burning without fuel, without glow, but still casting off the scent of destruction.
This was no longer the halcyon world she had cultivated her whole life.
Numb… it just felt NUMB. No anger, or hatred, or fear permeated the world, only that of the moment, no strength or weakness, just… NOTHING. Even the desolation had vanished, leaving her with such a barren emptiness, it ached to process.
The once-beauteous mindscape was reduced to frozen ashes skirting existence. Hoarse winds choked the current from itself, vanishing from the air on its first and final breath. There were no more silvered stars in the empty sky, no moonless beams of light to break up the darkness.
Dove slipped deeper, searching her mind for any remnant of feeling. A strange howl sounded from the depths, from the shadows without any surface to fall on. Lost anguish stirred clouds of despair, a single grain shifting with the emotion… or what broken fragment remained.
There was no sight, no feeling. No scents caressed her breath, no sound escaped the leagues of fallacies and thought. There was no gossamer mist to touch and shroud her mind in peace. No sense. No feeling. Only knowledge and memories of space.
The emptiness pressed in on her, threatening to consume her. Just outside this astral prison lay enough emotion to drink her fill and wallow in until it became her, but– No. That was... so dangerous.
But this emotional vacuum threatened collapse…
"It feels like... suffering."
She'd forgotten Raven was there, and startled. "It's so empty..."
"Is that what you want?"
"No..."
"What do you want it to be instead?"
Dove didn't know what to say to that and glanced away, gathering her thoughts... "Safe, I think. Just... Anything, as long as it's safe."
"What do you need to feel safe?"
Dove was silent a moment, a few moments, considering, looking out wistfully at the state of her inner world... Then she said in a small voice, "Peace."
Raven thought, That's been in short supply lately. She said, "I can work with that."
"But can I?" Dove bristled; she hadn't meant to say that aloud and the shock pulled her from the reverie.
"You can. It's... always been a part of you. It's foundational. Maybe one of the most important parts of your mind to cultivate. Aside from your fear, which never seemed to have left, peace was once the strongest core of your being. But you can't just find your peace. You have to build it."
"How do I... build peace?"
"Envision it. Whatever that means to you, and then make it real. Make it yours."
Dove nodded. And so she began rebuilding tranquility.
Her eyes closed, and she let out a breath... then tilted her head back, and let herself remember what peace felt like. It was surprisingly easy once she managed to wrap her thoughts around "whatever that means" to her. She modeled the visualization after her memories of what had always been peaceful, and like it had been waiting for her call, it appeared in the world around them. With her thoughts, her imagination, she painted a sky of stars in swaths of different colors. Red, and green, and gold... An arc of blue lights, like a mantle.
She built a sanctuary. Part like her mother's home, part like the temple she had seen that washed a calm assurance over her as she passed, even on the day everyone would die. Marble glowed in the darkness, columns erecting gold-emblazoned arches and ceilings that enclosed hallways vaster than her mind's eye could see.
Something in the air hummed as she added candles, and cushions, and the scent of sandalwood and drying herbs, and a whorl of tiles around them depicting flying birds and intricate geometry between stone sigilry reliefs. Now there was a garden of herbs and flowers, sprawling at their feet and swaying in a warm, gentle breeze.
Raven found herself watching with bittersweet wonder as she realized, Dove was building on Azarath. It made sense, in a way; she wondered if Dove had ever found peace since she left...
Well, the important thing was that she was finding it now. The cloak falling down her back shimmered white and blue, and her shoulders were relaxed beneath it. For the first time in months, she was smiling serenely.
And then she blinked her eyes open, and looked around. She wasn't sure what to say. She paced a bit, taking in everything that wasn't there before tonight, assuring herself it was real... It felt real.
Finally, she found her voice. Bewildered, she asked, "Just like that?"
Raven nodded. "Just like that."
Dove stilled, gazing at the stars, and kept her thoughts to herself. They wandered, of course; how long would she be able to maintain something so fragile? Would she be able to find all this again, or would it vanish like waking up from a dream? Did she even deserve to find it again? It had been so hard for so long to find calm amidst the guilt of what she had done...
What she had done.
Suddenly the peace that pervaded this place a moment ago felt very far away.
And then it was gone.
The world she'd built remained, but she had lost focus, lost touch with the mindscape, and lost that deep relieving calm.
Raven felt the trance break, and opened her eyes to consciousness, and was met with the sight of Dove on the bed, her brow furrowing, right before she buried her head in her hands.
"You're upset?" she ventured, vaguely confused. "I thought that went pretty well."
"So many months..."
"...Iiii'm not following."
"How many months have you been training me to meditate? But even with you there to help me, I lost it. I didn't-- I couldn't..."
"I didn't want to force it."
Dove dropped her hands from her face, eyes following them down. She figured that was probably a good thing, but her frown was etched as deep as her frustration.
"Hey. You made progress. You have something that wasn't there before."
Dove nodded and started, "I do, but..." She yawned before she could finish.
Raven's voice softened at the edges with concern. "It's late. Maybe you should get some sleep."
Dove sighed, and nodded again.
Raven saw her shoulders relaxing, and got off the bed to leave--
"I think... I think it did help."
This time when Raven turned back to her, Dove was smiling. Her brow still furrowed above it, but she was smiling.
"Really?"
"I feel... lighter, somehow."
"Good." Her tone made it obvious she shared Dove's relief.
"Thank you. I... I don't think I would've known how to do that alone."
"I'm glad I could help."
Dove shifted to lay down, and cover herself, and lay her head on the pillow... but before Raven could leave, she murmured shyly, eyes lowered to her fingers fidgeting with the blanket, "You always do."
Raven wasn't sure what to say to that. She found it hard to believe... but her senses told her Dove was being honest. At the very least, Dove thought it was true. Somehow, after everything that happened, everything she'd done, everything Dove feared... Dove still trusted her enough to follow her lead tonight.
"...right." But it was late, and she was too tired to wrestle with self-doubt just now. "Hope you sleep well."
"I think I will," Dove mused. There was relief now, there was comfort, and the feeling was so beautiful she mentally curled up inside it, feeling reverent and safe.
Her mind was waking up. Every part of it.
And with the light came shadow. The shadow in her mind stirred from its protective slumber, and as Dove slipped more easily into dreams than she had in months, she was completely unaware that the moment of frustration had reawakened the part of her that fed on it.
~*~
Cut to the anchorwoman. "Since word got out of the five unexplained deaths, the good citizens of Jump City have demanded justice. How did you Titans respond to these horrendous crimes?"
Robin was on the screen, speaking into the microphone. "We found the person responsible and the situation is under control."
Maybe Robin didn't call her a criminal, but that didn't change the fact that she was a murderer.
Dove rose and left the room, her head bowed low in shame.
Robin watched her sympathetically, and he stood-- Raven passed silently, already after her. Well then. He sat back down; Raven could handle her better, anyways.
She followed Dove into the hall, far enough behind to give her space, but close enough to let her know she was there for her. For a while she only observed: Dove held her arms crossed over her chest, gripping her shoulders, huddling in...
"You don't forgive yourself."
"How can I?" Dove's voice wavered already. "I killed those animals, I killed those people-- I tried to kill you!" She whirled around to face Raven, her eyes wide with horror. The tears in her voice finally spilled from her eyes.
"You can't define yourself by your mistakes."
"You keep saying that. But you didn't look into their eyes, and laugh at their pain, and fear, and use your powers to torture them to death. You weren't there smiling when they died."
Raven's chin raised, her lips parted, but Dove read the doubt in her before she said a word. It infuriated her. “You have no idea how hard this is for me!” Dove cried.
“I do," Raven corrected.
Dove shook her head, then set her gaze driving into Raven’s eyes. “You think you know pain? You think you've been hurt? Try having your soul ripped apart, shattered by the pain you sensed in others, pain you induced yourself." She smacked a hand to her chest, clenched it and took a step closer. "Try having the very fiber of your mental existence torn away, piece by piece, feeling the threads of your mind being unwound like a poorly-woven tapestry-- it wasn't even whole to begin with, imagine knowing that you're the reason they all died, IMAGINE BEING THE HARBINGER OF DEATH ITSELF!"
Her voice broke there, and she had to take a shuddering breath to get the rest out. "It’s my fault they died, Raven! Do you have any idea how horrible it is knowing that?!”
Raven was silent for a few moments, carefully piecing her next words together with deliberate hesitance. “Remember my memory?”
Dove’s eyes widened a bit, her back straightened. “Which one?”
“The only one you found by accident.”
Dove blinked, and Raven's voice was so cold there that she bit her lip, her expression sinking deeply and brow furrowed, guilty and remorseful eyes distancing with emotion until her lips parted, just barely - silently... and she dropped her gaze in shame. She realized then how deeply she’d breached their trust, invaded Raven’s mind in ways she couldn’t forgive herself for.
But that memory…
It was Raven bringing destruction to all life and causing the death of everything in the dimension, becoming the portal to herald the end of the world.
Dove's voice emerged as a quiet whisper. “Yes…”
“I had to live with that all my life,” Raven reminded her. “I do know that pain, that guilt… I know it all too well.”
Dove wrapped her arms back across her chest, looking away. "How can you bear it...?"
"What happened in the past doesn't define you. Don't let it define your present - take every moment and define it yourself. We have the power to create a better future. For ourselves, and the people around us."
Dove remained still.
"You don't have to be held hostage by your mistakes."
Silence...
…Until, just when Dove seemed on the brink of recovery, she cried out, clutched her head with a strangled groan. The anger-- The evil-- It was building up again, and suddenly she was wound up in trying to fight it back while she barely had the strength to stand.
Raven caught her wrists, shocked to feel the frustration bringing on the rage and the darkness roiling to life.
"Dove!" she called-- but Dove gave no sign of recognition.
Raven locked eye-contact, and the power overwhelming Dove immediately latched onto it and they both felt the pull.
Dove recognized the feeling of being connected to her sister and that instant brought a new flare to the rage, vengeance and fury-- but Dove remembered wanting to hurt her, almost succeeding, floods of guilt crashed against the anger and she gasped and jolted, frantically, desperately trying to force it back.
Raven braced herself, hoping if she could feel Dove so closely, Dove could feel her too. And then she reached into Dove's mind. There was so much fear there, but she tried to wrap Dove's flickering willpower in bolstering belief.
"You can do it, Dove."
Dove's physical self was shivering with effort, tears of terror streaming past her eyes, expression glazed as she focused entirely on her struggle. "Raven, I can't, I can't!"
"Then let me help you."
Dove's soul flinched at the thought of being any closer to the same being who totally destroyed her--
Raven felt it through the connection, as if it was her own, and remorse sparked-- She doused the flame. "Please... Trust me."
Dove shuddered so violently she nearly collapsed.
"Raven..."
"I'm not going to hurt you again. I promise."
Dove could sense the truth, feel the warmth brimming in her sister's promise. She remembered the night building peace in the mindscape, and she remembered that refusing help had only ever made everything so much worse... She really didn't think she could do it alone, but Raven had already pulled her out of it once. She closed her eyes, sobbing softly as she used the final strands of control to force her guards back and surrender her defenses, and allow Raven access to every part of her mind.
Raven wasn't sure if it was more from trust or desperation. But whatever it was, she was able to reach out. Reach in. Feel in.
There to meet her was the familiar raging flame of Trigon's power. It was hot and bright, but it hadn't consumed Dove's fear, or her will to stop it.
She steadied herself against it, and hoped it would help steady Dove. "Breathe. Believe you can stop it..."
Dove shook her head. She expected that.
"...but if you can't trust yourself, trust me to help." Her voice was calm and grounded to counter Dove's fear with certainty. "Fight it. Fight it back. Stay strong. Don't let go, keep fighting."
Dove was fighting, she was trying, but her effort already felt too weak, too shaken, unsteady, not enough. It was never enough. The past weeks were fresh in her mind, burning like a brand, weeks of trying everything she could think of, doing everything she could to prevent the evil's escape, and it had never been enough. She had failed so many times, and now she was terrified she'd fail again, and this time Raven would witness her descent-- She didn't want that, she didn't want to surrender all over again, but what could she do?
Raven said, "Remember everything that happened when you gave in. Don’t let it happen again!"
Something in Dove IGNITED at that. Her brow furrowed, her back straightened, her teeth grit. She finally found her motivation, her determination to strive for something stronger than fear.
Her voice was sharp and rose with conviction: "No. No! Never again!"
Raven wondered if she had to show her how, but Dove rose to the occasion, over the fear, over the doubt, like daybreak over a stormy sea.
Raven was surprised to feel her rallying behind it, but nodded. She tapped into their connection to support the newfound steadfast strength, building it up, feeding her hope, and Dove clung to it like a lifeline.
Finally Dove found purchase in the battle. She stood her ground, refusing to fall sway again. She imagined the hot red light dimming as she cut it off, fighting back the images of fire and bloodshed with the peace she'd built, the strength of her sister holding her arms, the absolutely unshakable need to stop this and never let anyone die at her hand again.
It fought her, of course. It clawed and flung itself against her like a wild animal, but she was as resolute in her decision as it had ever been in its takeover. Only now she didn't see surrender as an option. Five people had died because she gave in before, and nobody else was going to die today.
There was no purchase it could find against her now. This time Dove was overwhelming the evil. They felt it losing heat...
...losing hold...
Losing its substance, until Dove suddenly took in a sharp breath-- let it out slowly... and took her next breath slowly in.... counting to five, until she could let it out slowly... softly. Calmly.
And with Dove able to steady herself, staying strong, with Raven's help: the embers of that evil, demonic power simmered, sputtered... and went out. It was relegated to the shadows once more.
Dove still needed another couple of breaths to convince herself it was really gone. She still trembled from the exertion. But then came the relief, she was just so RELIEVED. A numb sort of shock settles in as she breathed... She didn't even notice Raven warily releasing her arms. But slowly, with the battle subsided, the fear faded, and it sank in what just happened. "I can't believe... Did I... Is it...?"
"You can fight it back," Raven told her. Hints of her own wonder came through in her voice. She'd always known it was possible, she just hadn't known if Dove would find it in herself to actually do it. But she did today.
"But... You helped me. If you hadn't been here, I..."
"Would have still been able to ask."
"I don't know-- How would I...?"
Raven knew: she was too anxious. Even if she trusted that they weren't going to hate and scorn her anymore, Dove still doesn't want to disappoint anyone. "We want to help you. All you have to do is ask."
Dove bit her lip, tears already pooling in her eyes. "Can you..."
She raised her brows.
"...Help me, find... peace, again?"
Raven nodded, "I can," and began leading her back to the living room. "Let's start with a cup of tea."
Fuck it, B-man scene I'm really delighted by! I didn't date the scene like I usually do, but the street address on the back of it indicates it was around 2013.
--
"Hang on," B-man said, pausing at the words and then flinging up a hand at the gesture. "I just did that, too. But there aren't any Horizon kids around. Is that narration actually about me?!"
The writer sighs and rolls xir eyes, hoping that if xe just ignores him he'll go on with the scene.
"No, wait, don't ignore me! This is my moment in the spotlight!"
Again, B-man, we have a scene to write here.
"HEY!" he responded indignantly. "You're breaking the fourth wall here!"
And your entire premise doesn't? I'm holding the pen here, B-man. And I'll break the fourth wall wherever I want to.
Oh look, his words have turned to displeased grumbles: "You're supposed to be writing in third person omniscient."
Are you critiquing my writing, oh spawn-of-my-words?
"Hmph. You just broke the pattern."
That's what this book is about, duh. Besides, I thought it'd be funny.
"Oh, yeah," B-man exaggerates with a very Zira-esque eyeroll. "You're a regular mine filled with comedy gold." And then he glares when he realizes I've compared him to one of his nemeses.
"Now you're changing tense!"
And you're whining, I'm smug as I write--using present tense, and I'll happily admit to you, dear reader, that I'm doing this just to bug him.
In the realm of novelizing, the character's protestations have become little more than a lowly gnat's buzzing--even though I'm usually HAPPY to go where my characters take me--it just matters a lot less when this particular character wants to be in a movie and isn't happy no matter what I do, anyways.
Well, it's been fun, guys--but B-man's not getting this chapter anywhere, and he's about to go off on another tirade. So I'll hurry this transition along to the much more interesting things happening at Transition HQ…
"What?" B-man cries in the background, but the story has already moved on.
Not like I want to let him follow us to the Horizon Headquarters and give away their location, agreed? Turn the page, my friend, and imagine I just gave you a wink.
Ooh, this one looks fun! I was tagged by @earlastre for this, thanks again Pix!
Rules: You are given a word and you post a paragraph/snippet from your WIP(s) starting with each letter of the word.
Pix's word for me: T R I A L
(Zira note: I have a SHIT TON of WIP stories to choose from, over 100 files for about 70 different stories sit in my writing folder right now, so the hardest part was choosing which snippets to share! This doesn't say anything about allowing unstructured shorthand notes though, so at least that cut down about 2/3 of the WIP content. 8F)
((How big are these supposed to be? Hell if I know. I always want to share so MUCH. Pix's were so much more satisfying and to-the-point in their brevity and poignancy, but my writing doesn't work like that.))
--
T
From Dove's journal, the opening lines of The Final Journey:
The prophecies all foretold that my sister would be the only child of our father to survive.
But my grandmother changed all that, shattered their reality, changed her future family’s history when she chose to follow a different path. She was banished, she came to Earth, and there my mother was born – and there my father seduced her. And then… Bad things happened. Things that tormented my mother for the rest of her life. I was conceived. And before I was born, my grandmother sent my mother back to Azarath. I was born in the world where I guess my family was supposed to be… but my father’s blood was only supposed to be in Raven’s veins. And so my mother kept my existence a secret.
According to what she told the rest of the world, I was a normal pregnancy, a miscarriage, and out of my mother’s life after that. But to my mother, I was ever present. To the rest of the universe, I was absent. And sometimes I wonder… Was I even supposed to be born? Was I ever meant to live? What can I ever DO with my life, when it wasn’t really a gift from the divine, but a side-effect of my mother’s stolen virginity? I know WHAT I am. But I don’t know WHY I am. Why I’m alive. Why do I even exist?
--
R
One of my FAVORITE scenes in Kary's debut story:
Raven suddenly strode to Kary with such a fierce glare Kary actually stepped back, her arms undone and her expression stunned. "You'd better watch what you say about her," she spat, acid laced in every word, "because she was my mother, too."
Kary's back straightened and the glare came right back. "What kind of woman abandons you when you need her most and throws you in a Gotham orphanage?"
"A woman with no home, no family, and no way to take care of you. Maybe it would have been better if she let you die in the street."
She had said it sarcastically, strictly to make a point. But Kary's expression was wide-eyed, stunned, the crook in her brow a shadow of injury. And then her expression hardened, with her voice dangerously low as she held Raven's intensely fierce gaze unflinchingly. "Yeah. Maybe it would." And with that she left the room, eyes distanced and not even stomping her feet.
--
I
From the very-nearly-finished Chapter 21 of Dove's Dark Discovery:
Instead, Dove confined herself to the isolation of her room.
After Robin's concerning report and a full week of nobody catching sight of her, Raven elected to confront this new development.
On the bed, Dove turned away as soon as the door was open.
Raven took the cue and leaned against the wall instead, crossing her arms. "Running from your problems never worked before."
"I'm not running, I'm… protecting you. I'm dangerous, Raven. Maybe I should stay away from people, or it'll happen all over again…"
"Solitary confinement won't cure the guilt. Especially with your situation, this might only make it worse."
"I don't CARE! My health doesn't matter if I'm going to put everyone in danger."
"Listen to me. I know that feeling. And I also know that it's not going to help."
"How do you know, Raven? How do you know?"
"Because you won't be able to keep others safe if you destroy yourself first."
That rendered Dove speechless, and she just blinked up at her in shock.
"We care about you, Dove. We know you're a good person. We know you're struggling. And like it or not, we don't want you to leave."
--
A
An excerpt from Leyla's childhood, no specific story yet:
At one point she was trying to abbreviate [the most formal form of their language that required cutting out specific parts of words], but couldn't reduce it all the way down.
Srentha told her, "It's even smaller. You've almost got it!" Then, smiling: "The answer's right in front of you."
Leyla's brows were low with concentration, staring at it HARD, as if she could make the answer reveal itself with focus alone. Mouthing the syllables, cutting out vowels...
Then her eyes widened, and she sat straight up, and looked at her father with rapt discovery. "Your name means sera-os a'erentha?"
Srentha laughed with delight. "That's right, that's right!"
--
L
From the end of a fight scene in Something Special About Srentha:
Leyla screamed in empathic pain and huddled desperately to Srentha, who frantically turned to Raven – she was looking to the sky with alert and determined eyes.
"What's wrong?!" he asked just as she took off for the surface.
Srentha carried Leyla and followed – and they emerged just in time to see Dove and the Faunimage, laughing as he surrounded her with energies and she sat helpless on the ground, tears streaming from her eyes, like she was fighting desperately but losing the battle--until she collapsed.
The dark eyes flickered to Srentha, he flashed a cruel triumphant smile--
A flash of white light blinded them all, and by the time the spots vanished from their eyes, the Faunimage was gone.
And Dove was nowhere to be seen.
--
I tag: Anyone who sees this and wants to share some stories! (Just @ me in the post so I can read them.)
And now for my word, which I hope isn't too many letters because I love reading what people write:
