#riesse's feels

[riessestarsinger]

(Snippet) Time is Fleeting

The events of the night before were almost too surreal, too overwhelming. The main room had been packed with bounty hunters and people wanting information. Most of the Registry staff was preparing for personal journeys of their own and off duty.

Riesse felt like a rag doll being pulled in a million directions. Her comm, a constant buzz of chatter and questions. Reports sent in almost non-stop by her 'eyes and ears'. She was an information giver, 'Boss Lady', Magistrix, confidant, shoulder, ear and someone to be conquered all at one time. The truth was however, the one voice she hoped to hear never came.

As she made her plans for the evening, finally accepting an invitation to the ball she has not planned on attending, she pulled out the compass she now carried with her at all times. Her eyes held on it, the tips of her fingers trailed over it's surface. "You said timing was everything...but, have you forgotten how quickly time slips from us? It is gone before you know it." 

Pocketing the compass again, her eyes looked over the mess of reports on her desk one last time. She must attend to things, she had to tell someone what she knew but, now, now her head pounded out a rhythm of ache that would not cease. She would deal with it all later. Right now, she was going to lay down and dream of an empty jar that she longed to fill. 

[riessestarsinger]

(Story-ish) Echoes From The Past

Dusk fell over the City. Shadows grew longer, looming from the corners of buildings. People mingled and meandered about the streets as Riesse passed by quickly, silently making her way from the Registry. 

It had not been long since she returned, promising Rook she'd rest and a niggling of regret at having betrayed that promise tickled the back of her mind. She had something to do. Something he may or may not understand.

Her thumb brushed over the stems of the roses she carried, no thorns pricked her flesh. Hurriedly, she whispered the words to open the portal, intent on her action. Once stepping through, her words called up her beloved cat and she took to the skies. 

As they neared her intended destination, Saph mewled, his low growled displeasure reaching her ears. Bending low against his neck, her face nuzzled close, "Hush now, tis something I must do. Guide us in, watch the land below. I'll keep my eyes to the tree tops."

Thick copses of trees entangled with spider webbing came into view and Saph leaned, slowly to make their descent. The eery dankness of the ground assailing the cat's nostrils. Death. Decay. Long forgotten memorials, testaments to those passed on having touched the world and been long forgotten the scenery below.

Shaking out his coat and mane as if to rid himself of the clinging webs, the cat again offered his displeasure at this mistress's destination. Riesse paid the cat no mind, offering a simple pat on his neck before leaping down and heading to the tomb where she had been only hours ago.

Knuckles white, she gripped the roses as she carefully stepped over the Hallowed ground. Had he felt it? Eroseidir. He had made no mention of the whispers so perhaps, he had no inkling for that. 

Riesse shivered, the webs spun from black skinned creatures hung low, grasping at her wayward curls. Brushing them aside, she came to the poorly kept memorial for the Unknown Soldier and knelt at it's side.

Long moments of silence passed, her knees pressed against rubble and ground. Finally, she lay the yellow roses atop the tomb, her hand lingering there. Her fingers ran over the sculpted stone. Dust, debris and time being brushed away as she did so. Her words were low, softly hushed in reverence, "I do not know you, Sir but, I feel your presence enduring in this place. I hear the whispers of your voice in time past. I feel the touch of your mark left and hear the echoes of pain from those you left behind. I do not know you but, you don't deserve to be forgotten." 

She knew that Eroseidir had no clue of what he'd done by bringing her here and she held no grudge for him having done so. While she had been intrigued by his words, the constant battering of emotions deafened his words. She had struggled to maintain a calmness while speaking to him, believing he hadn't noticed her discomfort. Sighing, faces from the past loomed up before her and she let the whispers come.

Riesse laid her head against the cold, lifeless stone, resting her cheek there as her eyes closed. "Nobody deserves to be forgotten or left behind....nobody."

[riessestarsinger]

Journal Entry

Monday, May 12th,

The days grow longer, the sun beats down upon my skin and there are moments I feel the heat steal my breath from me. I have never been a child of the summer, never one that worships in the light and heat of the sun's rays. Never have I been one to bask in the glory of stolen moments, my face up-turned to drink in the gift of warmth. Already I long for a more tempered day and can only count the moments until again the brush of autumn paints it's colors upon the land once more.

I am nearing the end of my studies. At least for this leg of the journey. Only a few months to go and the seemingly endless hours of study will be at an end. I find myself wondering, is it worth it? Will it be worth all that I've done, and for that matter, given up?

Over these last few weeks I've retreated, hidden away from the public eye. I've been lucky, no one noticed save those that truly care. Or perhaps the truth of the matter is, no one HAS noticed. Perhaps I am not worthy of being noticed. Perhaps that is a good thing, perhaps not.

I've come to a place that is not where I thought to land again. A dark place. One that is closed in and suffocating. A hole so endless I wonder if I'll ever be able to claw my way out of. 

I slipped and fell. I cared too much, wanted too much for those around me. When you give to much, that is nothing left. It doesn't matter. Things you do don't matter. Your aspirations, hopes and dreams, they don't matter. 

People are cruel and selfish. Their focus on one thing and one alone, the face they see in the mirror.

I think I am ready to give up. I am weary. My bones ache with the years of sorrow and heartache. The toll has seeped into my very being and this time, I am not sure I can push it from me. My feet stumble, not knowing which way to turn or what path is open to me.

Perhaps it is me? Perhaps the darkness that swallows me whole has stolen all light from my eyes, blinding me to possibility. Perhaps this too shall pass....

[riessestarsinger]

(Letter) To Rook

Riesse took up her quill, the missives before sent on their way. This one was different.

Dearest Brother,

Rook, I am scared. Please, I need your thoughts and help. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of loss and pain. I feel as if the world around me crumbles in anger and hatred. I feel helpless and lost.

When I first stumbled into the Registry, after leaving my life in the Row, the very walls of this place seemed to whisper my name. The Elders who had long toiled here, bent under the weight of the secrets contained, looked at me with pleading eyes. They longed to be released from their life of service and had given all they had to this cause. As my eyes saw the wonders of the Registry, the possibilities within, hope sparked in my heart where before it had been extinguished. The tomes, rich with history, each telling the tale of family and kin, whispered a begging plea to be heard. The very walls of the building spoke as a ghost spinning the tales of glory and woe. The floors creaked from the thousands of feet treading upon them and leaving their indelible mark. With all my heart and soul, I longed to bring back the vibrancy and life of the place. I dreamt of giving voice to the histories of those before us and a world where the future could rest for those to follow. The very parchment seemed to yearn for ink to be set upon it. Worn tomes cried out to be rebound and given a chance to live again. The passion of possibility consumed me and I hoped again.

I could not, and can not, do this place justice alone. As you know, I opened my dream up to those I believed in. Second chances, isn't that what I always say? I believe in that, Rook, I do. But, with the things that have happened over the last few days, I find myself faltering, questioning all that I believe in and hold dear.

Cael tells me that I can not lead with my heart but, must separate and lead with only my head. I know he is right but, Rook, how do I become something I am not? How do I change the very core of me?

I look around, not only at the people I see around us but, at those faces we love. I see fear, strife, hopelessness and a haunting of pain and loss. I wanted to change that. I wanted to create a place for all people, a place where they could feel at home and safe. I wanted a place for the broken and weary. Is that so wrong? I am too naive and soft hearted as some have said? Is it wrong to hope and dream that we as people can take the first steps of change? Is -change- even possible?

I want to reach out. I want to come together with others who lead and learn from them. I am afraid to do so. The fear of looking weak is always in my mind. Of course I am well versed at wearing the mask and playing the game but, Rook, I sicken at doing so. I hate wearing two faces, it is not who I am. Is it just a fantasy to hope that there are others out there that believe as I do?

Why can't I be the person I am, as I have always been? Why can't I ask for help and make mistakes? Surely others in leadership positions know there are times when they can not stand alone? Why can't I be forgiven for mistakes I make, for being simply a woman trying to find her way? Why can't I be me?

I hear the words that others speak. I listen well. I see few action being put to word but, in most cases, only hypocritical utterances and wonder do all people fear that they will be looked at less then if they show vulnerabilities and weakness? We all fail, we all falter and yet together, we shine brighter than any star that lights the sky. Is it wrong to believe that?

There have been moments over the last few nights when I have considered closing the doors. Closing the doors on the Registry, on my dreams, my passion and hopes. There is no one I can turn to and be myself with, save you brother. I wish I could say that was not the case but, I know now it is. Tell me what to do. Help me. Guide me. I need you. I want to dream, to see the greatness in all that I did as before. I don't want to lose the song of love that enriches my heart. If I can not lead as the person I am, perhaps I should not lead at all.

With love and affection, your sister,

Carro'wyn 'Riesse' Starsinger Dracone

[riessestarsinger]

The Embrace of Loneliness

Her quill shook as she penned the latest entry to her journal. Riesse sat alone in her office, the light of the morning streaming in was touched with gloom. Over cast, clouds hung low, a echo of her mood.

Vol left last night. He said he'd never leave. He left.

He had every reason to leave, every right and he was right to do so. I am not good enough for him any more.

He told me words Ace and Jah spoke, words that tore at my heart and wrenched my soul. Cael is right, being a leader offers no true friendship it seems. Why had I believed that wasn't how things were? Wasn't how we were? The perpetuation of a foolish woman's dreams.

Ace... I need her now and she's gone too. Not in the same way as Vol but, still gone. Since she 'changed' she is no longer the Ace I knew. She was always my rock, whispering her thoughts and wisdom in my ear. She listened, open minded with no judgement or condemnation for the mistakes I make. That is not the case any longer. I feel like I've lost my sister as well as someone I loved.

I wanted to run after Vol, to stop him, to take his hand in mine and agree to what he asked of me. I couldn't. I forced myself to stand rooted to the spot. I held my breath, closed my eyes and turned my back as he went through the door. I couldn't watch him walking away. In many ways, he had become my best friend but, in recent weeks, that too was gone, replaced by anger, hurt and mistrust.

I wanted to find him after he left but, I knew it wouldn't be fair, not to any one. The truth is journal, I lied to him. I lied -for- him, to protect him.

The truth is, I couldn't make the choice he asked because when I choose love, it always dies. If I don't love, nothing dies.

I've accepted a life without love now. I am coming to terms with it. Cael is right in the things he says. I know him for what he is as well. There is no misconception there despite what the whispers say behind my back.

This is what it means to be really and truly alone.

Riesse let her quill fall silently to her desk before the ink was dry on the page. In silence, she starred out the window until she pushed back her chair. Rising, she crossed to the where the scant rays of light tried to push their way through the clouds and into the office. She closed the shades slowly, barring what little light there was from entering. She let the darkness wash over her. She was becoming more and more at home in the emptiness of it's embrace.

[riessestarsinger]

She Hurts

The doors to the Registry were closed. The wards in place, only those attuned would be able to enter. Strangely, no sounds came from within, no light peeked from under the door or through Riesse's office windows.

Inside, the grand table held no treats. Papers scattered across the top, tomes open, face up, in the process of being re-bound lay where Bells had left them. Golden rays of light steamed in, casting warm glows across the shelves of books. Silence echoed in the grand hall. No heels clattered up or down the many stairs.

Whispers of ghosts from days gone by murmured softly. The walls, stone placed ages ago, were strangely warm to the touch. Wisps of gossamer white moved through the halls, their hallowed heads bent as if in prayer.

"She weeps. Too many tears."

"Fears prevail."

"Solace falls from her grasp."

"Ears are deaf. Eyes are blind."

"Perhaps...we should take her home? Maybe the time was not right for her to be placed among them."

"They are still so young, so foolish and full of pride. Pride and ego, this will be their undoing. She can not lead those that refuse to follow."

"Her song falters. She has not sung for many moons." 

Sighs of the specters were like a hint of breeze stirring the dust on the tops of the highest shelves. Hidden from the seeing, a golden bound tome of soft leather shimmered and glowed with a bright light coming from within it's pages. The blood red dragon emblazoned on it's cover flexed with life and power surged in the floors of the Registry. 

The building seemed to settle then, the quiet of the morning's light pushing back the shadows that spoke in ways no one seemed to notice. On the door of her office, Riesse had tacked a note. "Gone Fishing."

[riessestarsinger]

(Letter) To Voltos

The morning dawned with a touch of frost that had painted the window pane Riesse starred out of. Glimmers of the sun's ray shot out over the far horizon. In her hand, a letter written.

Dearest Vol,

I don't know if I can find the words I need in order to write this. I pray your heart sees and understands the intent behind the botched offering here.

You were right. There was more, is more, always more, going on in my mind. I couldn't tell you like you wanted, like you asked me to. I hate burdening anyone with thoughts that are my own, with darkness that is my own. 

Darkness, I use that word but I am not even sure if it's the right word. There are moments when my feelings grow and swell within me till I am swallowed whole by them. I find myself drowning, being shrouded and suffocated by the immense feeling of emptiness, of fear, of nothingness. It feels like I can't breathe, like I can't move, can't think and I don't know which way is up or down. I feel that my foot can't take a step, that it's too heavy to move and if I do, it will lead me in the wrong direction.

I look at your face, at the faces of Ace, Ana, and Rook and I want to cringe. I want the shroud to cover me, to hide me within it's black folds of nothingness because then, I won't have to see the disappointment written in your eyes.

I know this emptiness that eats at my soul is nothing more than fear. Nothing more than a depression born of fear. I know that it threatens to steal my joy, my happiness and the light from my heart and yet, even knowing that, there are times I can't stop it from taking over. This last week has been one of those times.

I am trying to stop the pounding in my chest. I am trying to cease the whisperings in my ear, the pain of feeling I am not good enough, will never be good enough and make my way back to you all. I don't know if I can. I want to, I want to so much.

I need you to know that I miss you, that I need you and that you were right. I was hiding. It's what I do when I feel overwhelmed and lost. Perhaps it's not the right  thing to do but, it's all I know how to do.

I hope you will forgive me, that all of you will.

I want to come home, Vol..... Please help me....

Love,

Bunny