(Journal) Secrets Of The Flames
(TW: Suicide-Kavorkian style)
Gods, did I really write that?
Riesse paused, her pen lifting from the page a bit to brush across her eyes. Gone was the light in her icy green eyes, gone was the smile that more often than not lifted the corners of her lips upward. No smirk danced, hovering to be given with a wink.
I have to put to paper, the occurrences of the last few days. To sort out the emotion of it all. To make sense of the senseless in some way. The convolution and conjecture swirling and mixing needs to be set straight for me to deal with it and put it in the past. Then, when they come to me with questions, perhaps, -perhaps- I can find the words to offer some answers to the questions that have no answers. People will assume what they wish, they always do but, the truth of it all will remain locked away with those that know it.
Her pen shook as her hand trembled and again, she lifted it from the page briefly as she took a deep breath.
Jahaerys is gone. He called out to us, over the comm. begging us to come to him. The raw, aching pain in his voice was something even the comm.'s distance and mechanical tincture could not disguise.
Voltos's and Rook's faces had to be reflections of my own as we neared the manor. Solemn, already knowing instinctively that the end was just inside the massive door that stood open.
The man barely stood on his own and when he entered the great hall, what held him up failed. He crumbled, his once mighty and proud countenance gone. The illusion of youth no longer held in place by magic, deep lines were like rivers engraved in his face. Once bright and intelligent eyes held only emptiness and sorrow now, a contradiction of all that life was. His body frail, wasted away by his practices. He was crippled by the life he'd spent and his pain evident.
"She is gone. I want to join her..."
Jah managed to utter those words, a last breath, if you will, of an already dying man. His eyes, they will haunt me to my dying day. They begged us, as friends in some form and manner, a family that had formed around him when none of his was left. His eyes begged us to end his torment.
"Fire.... let there be nothing of me that remains....please, Gods please end this torment..."
For a moment, I shut my ears to the sound of his pleas. I refused to hear, refused to believe. I knew his words were truth. Ace was gone though no official word had yet to be released. I knew it with my entire being for the truth that it was. She had lost hope, given up and given in. The betrayal, the missing files, the whispering of secrets that would rip us all apart was more than she could bear. In the end, she lost the will to fight, to -try- as she sank back into the pit of despair that was her past. There would be no third chance and she knew it.
In that moment, looking into Jah's eyes as he begged us to take his life when he had not the strength to do so, my heart turned to stone. Cold, empty and devoid of life and though I shook my head, rebuking his request, I knew what I had to do. What we three must do for a man we respected and loved.
I grit my teeth, looking to Rook's face as the withered hand of Jahaerys reached out, lifting from the cold stone floor in his direction. I have rarely seen my brothers eyes so cold, so hard and yet filled with pure, unadulterated pain. He gave a simple nod and moved to Jah with a glance to me. His blade was swift, the movement barely seen as he spoke in a reverent whisper.
"Go in peace, go in love, your memory will remain in our hearts, friend."
Jahaerys's face eased then, a smile replacing the anguish. Peace settled over him and his hand brushed across Rook's face as his eyes turned to me, his last request, one that only I could fulfill.
I don't recall the steps that took me to his side, or the stone that bit into my knees as I knelt, my hand on his chest. I don't remember if I looked away from his eyes at all.
"Stars guide you, friend. May you find the peace you longed for in this life. Tell my sister, I forgive her and love her. Her secret will be kept. Go in peace. I forgive."
We walked away, the flames licking the walls and none of us looked back.
When Bels told me of the letter, the death of Ace having been finally revealed, I screamed against it, railing at the finality I already knew. For one single moment, I wanted to believe it wasn't true. That the betrayal hadn't happened. But, it had and they were gone. Two people that I had given my heart to were no more in this world. We would keep their memories in our hearts, their final days locked away from the world and in doing so, the world would not see that darkness but only the light that both of them bestowed but, could not see for themselves. People would talk, would whisper and make conjectures about the why of it, the senselessness of it all but, they will never know the truth of what happened, that was my charge, our gift to Jahaerys and Acalinia. They would go in peace, finally.
Riesse shut her journal softly, with the pages closed, the cover sealed, she locked away the past once more and the secrets it contained.
