Day 5: Friday Haze
Today was slightly akimbo. I ended up falling asleep, then getting up for a bit, then falling back asleep last night, so I was exhausted this morning and accidentally snoozed my alarm clock. I still got my morning pages done (a daily habit from The Artist’s Way where you write three pages stream-of-conscious as soon as you wake up.) Maybe it was due to the late start, maybe it was because it’s a Friday and, even though I’m not working, the collective psyche of the import of a Friday still rings in me. The day was more defined by the difference I sensed in myself through conversations with others than necessarily in writing – which I’m OK with because it is a reflection seen from others of the changes that I subtly feel happening in me when alone. After talking with my best friend for an hour about my experience over these five days, I could sense that I was talking less defensively about what I was doing. Usually, I’ve felt like a poser whenever having conversations about artistry or creative process, or I am afraid to hear someone’s feedback after I send them a recording of a song in the works, so I am immediately defensive. But this time, I felt like when I asked a question, I actually wanted an honest answer because I trusted my friend to help me and want me to succeed, and I trusted myself to take that information and use it to get better. It’s amazing how, as humans, we could ask something that seems direct and like we want the truth, when we really asked the question in order to hear anything but the truth.
Later in the afternoon, I talked with my therapist. I hadn’t seen her in two weeks due to scheduling differences, and when I told her everything that had transpired since we last talked – getting my studio painted and furnished, starting the music month, getting set on a schedule – she said, “Wow, you sound like you’ve accomplished so much.” And rather than shrug or awkwardly laugh and diminish, I looked right in the camera calmly and said, “Yeah, I have, and it feels really good.” Again, such an easy and honest response to make, yet so insane to think how often I’ve felt badly when I’m doing well because I’m afraid I’ll hurt someone else’s feelings or they’ll contrast their place to mine. I can sense myself gaining a new kind of calm with people as I begin to trust my instincts and routinely self-express.
One of the texts that is akin to my Bible for spiritual and creative realization is Alejandro Jodorowsky’s Psychomagic. Jodorowsky’s premise for all of his work is that the goal is to heal yourself, and art is meant for healing. I can get so in my head about ART – am I an artist, can I call myself that, am I smart enough, do I know enough, can I do this, am I in the club? These past five days, I’ve reminded myself, “Art is another system for living. It is another healing mechanism. You are trying to heal, that’s all you’re doing. Keep trying to heal, why would you not?”
My vocal practices were really long and amazing today. I worked a lot on riffs and runs. There’s a great channel on YouTube by Camille van Niekerk where she breaks down runs from famous songs. I’ll post a link to the one I did today. It feels good to know my voice is a muscle and I just need persistence to continue working it out, every single day.
I’m exhausted and feel like everything I’m saying now is a ramble. I’m going to bed. I’m taking the day off tomorrow to spend with friends so I’ll be back on Sunday. Love. x
