warning - mental health representation
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All of your favorite people were gathered around the TV. Snacks were dwindling quickly thanks to Anton and Jen, even after you had just grabbed some more, courtesy of Anton’s wallet.
You needed this night badly. Things had been rough lately, especially because of him. Wonbin’s presence still loomed heavily in your mind, no matter how hidden you wanted to ignore it. Everyone could see it, how your natural light had been dwindling in the midst of a sea of grief. Yet here he was, no longer just penetrating your mental but also your physical space.
Promising Anton everything was okay might have been a mistake, but you were eager just to be around Wonbin again. Five months, not an ounce of contact. It pained you; he was your everything not long ago. Now everything you had built here at college felt like it was null and void, because Wonbin belonged in it.
So when he walked in your door, you had to hide your trembling hands and racing thoughts. You greeted him minimally and weaved around him in the space you occupied. He still moved effortlessly throughout your home, like he still belonged.
You and Anton had been in the corner of the long couch, sharing a bag of hot chips and blanket, when you saw Wonbin leave the bathroom and head straight for the door. He was leaving again.
With the slam of the door, you poked Anton’s side. “Where is he going?” Your brows furrowed in unkempt concern. “I have no clue.” Anton quickly responded while pulling out his phone. You loomed over your friend’s shoulder as he typed to his best friend in his absence. In seeing his response, you found your feet moving on their own.
“What are you doing?” Jen questioned from the floor, where she was lying on Sion. To be honest, you didn’t have a response to her question… What were you doing?
“I just need to do something.” You grumbled before slipping on a stray hoodie you found to step outside.
As soon as you stepped outside, you were brutally met with the force of the man you once loved. It was like you could feel something was really wrong; between his pacing and hardened gaze, you knew this feeling from him and what it entailed. He was drowning, and he didn’t want to show it. To him, one crack in the boat meant you were already sinking.
He sharply became aware of your presence and stiffened. He never did that before. You had to shake the thought and come back to the moment. “Hey.” Your cadence was softer than you anticipated but welcomed by Wonbin as he relaxed his posture.
He forced a smile. “Hey, y/n.” Hearing your name leave his lips, after all this time, you didn’t know quite what to think of it. Yet you longed to hear it again, yet the same.
A sweet silence hummed between you two. Silence used to be so easy for you both; it was welcomed, actually. It meant everything had been laid out, naked and true. It symbolized the comfort you had together. Sitting in silence, with everything contained within your aching soul, felt unnatural when you were with him.
You decided to interrupt it, knowing its meaning was lost to time. “What’s going on?” You crossed your arms and leaned against the post outside of your door. Wonbin returned your words with a sullen, blank stare. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to operate this, as he hadn’t had to. Now you were both being confronted with a harsh reality of how everything had changed, but strangely, some remained the same.
How you naturally left to seek out Wonbin in his time of need, and how he paused every thought in his mind as soon as he met your eyes. “Nothing, I’m good. You can go back inside.” He turned away and leaned over the banister.
You debated on your response; you knew he wasn’t going to tell you anything, but you also knew he wanted to. “You’re lying, Binnie.” Fuck. No. Why did I call him that? The nickname left your lips faster than you could think. Nearly grasping your mouth shut, you went rigid. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean—” You were interrupted as he turned over his shoulder with wet eyes.
He’s crying. It was like you were being ripped in two. His tearful expression never failed to pain you, even now. “It's okay, Y/n. You got used to calling me that.” He wiped his tears with the back of his hand and rolled his shoulders back. “To be honest, I don’t know what’s going on, and I haven’t for a while.” He honestly spoke, and it threw you off slightly as you didn’t expect this raw honesty from him.
You didn’t know what to say. You didn’t know how to comfort him without showering him in your love and warmth. “Me too. I haven’t known what’s going on in a long time.” Five months' time.
He bit his lip lightly and flexed his fists, a habit of his you remember well, except you used to grab his hands in those moments.
“I miss you.” He blurted. It was clear he didn’t mean to say that, as he immediately widened his eyes at his own words. “I mean, I miss talking to you. You were the only person who knew what I needed and how I felt.” He choked on his words as tears threatened his composure yet again.
“I’m sorry, Wonbin.” What else could you say? You couldn’t say what you wanted to say, so you were forced to fabricate a superficial response to his bare truths. He knew this was you protecting yourself. He knew that he had done damage to your relationship, and that meant that he lost his claims to your empathy, kindness, and comfort.
He shook his head. “Thank you. I’m sorry that I’m being like this.”
“Don’t be.” You stepped closer to him, enough so he could see the reflection of the porch light in your eyes. “It’s clear you have been keeping stuff in. You can tell me; I know it’s weird, but it's not like we talk anyways anymore. Use me as a place to vent; just throw your words at me, and I’ll keep them safe with me.” You tried to offer him a comforting smile that showed that you meant every single word that left your lips.
He hesitated, then leaned back and let his suffering finally show. “Y/n, I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t write music; it is all just nonsense. I can’t eat right; it’s either too much or not enough. I feel on the outskirts of my friend group, by everybody except Anton at least. It’s like there’s a void within me, and it’s taking everything out of me without letting me hold on to anything worthwhile. I can only think of the bad, no matter how much good is thrown at me. I just have to ruin it.” He huffed and met your eyes sadly. Is he talking about me?
In an instant he destroyed that thought as he said, “Like with Sieun.” Sieun. Right. I’m so stupid.
For a minute you let yourself forget about Sieun and only thought about this moment, with you and Wonbin together again. “Yeah, I—um—figured she was part of this. I know she told you she saw me.”
“It’s like all she can talk about is you. It’s like she’s obsessed with you, and I don’t get it.” He started pacing and talking with his hands, another thing you remembered him doing when he was mad. “I’m sorry she’s being this way, like flexing on you and being a bitch in general.”
“You don’t have to apologize; I honestly understand a little bit why she’s concerned. I mean, I would be naturally curious about my boyfriend’s ex if they had been together for as long as we had.” You tried to add to the conversation, but it was hard to mask how talking about Wonbin’s girlfriend had torn you up a bit.
“That’s the thing, Y/n. There’s curiosity, and then there’s obsessiveness, and Sieun has leaned into obsessiveness so quickly.” He sighed again, but you couldn’t take this any longer. No longer could you pretend all of this was fine, that you didn’t care and were just letting him vent. You wanted to be in his presence, but hearing him bitch about his girlfriend wasn’t the way you wanted it.
A pressure started to fill up in your chest. Not right now. Fuck.
You started to pull at the hem of the hoodie you were wearing and breathe rapidly. Wonbin’s eyes widened in concern; he knew what was happening more than maybe anyone else in your life did.
You started to scratch at your chest and hyperventilate fully. No. No. No. Why am I panicking around him? I can’t do this, not anymore. Not with him.
He quickly rushed to your side and lowered you to the ground. He held the sides of your face with his hands and looked into your eyes so deeply that it felt like he was latched on to every aspect of your being. “Y/n, look at me now.” His once furious gaze had now been filled softly with tears. “I’m here.” He rubbed the sides of your cheeks with his thumbs and started to take deep breaths, implying you should emulate him.
Tears continued to stream down your face, but your breath was starting to regulate as you matched Wonbin’s breaths with your own. He was so good at handling your panic attacks; how could you forget that?
He began to softly whisper to you as he moved the hair from your face, “You got this; you’re strong. You’re the best person I know; you can get past this.”
The tears stopped, and you continued to breathe with him.
You sat together, breathing, for longer than you could count.
authors note : a little peak into the nature of their relationship...
