(Tw: depression, suicide mention)
I always find myself telling queer teens it'll get better
They always ask "when"
And thats the one thing I can't tell them
I don't know the exact steps I took, I was so depressed, I keep a suicide note I had written when I was 19/20 tucked away in a notebook
I still remember the few factors that kept me alive, there were only two,
My brother made me promise me so long ago that I wouldn't do this, not in this fashion in particular. Our mom had told him a family myth, I can't confirm it, but according to her, at least one person every generation in her lineage had hung themselves
And the second, the most crucial at the time, I can not ruin this house for her. I was staying with a partner at the tike and things had gone south, he had a younger sister who was already so worried about her other siblings killing themselves, I wasn't about to bring that into her house, for her and her alone
Months later I'm living with my parents, I had been pushing myself to go do things, with friends from high-school or my dad, I had been rotting in my room for months and decided I needed to "fake it till I made it"
Then one morning
One sunny beautiful morning
I woke up, stood up from my bed and looked in the mirror
I don't know when the changed happened but there was something in my eyes, something I hadn't seen in years, this glow was back
And I couldn't help myself, words fell out
"There you are.. my beautiful boy, there you are."
I didn't know what I was waiting for but that morning I saw it
I can't tell you what did it
The rebound, the friends, the sun, the new location, the love around me, my dog, new music
I can't tell you what did it
But something did
I just had to wait
And God was it worth it
The one thing I really need queer kids to know is that I'm so proud of you, for just waking up, you're here
You're here!
And I couldn't be prouder that you are
Stay, please
I have to see who you grow up to be