#ripoff!

[shareefosworld-blog]

I have a dream. A dream that one day the price of a packet of Skittles will go back to $1.00 instead of $1.50!

Shareef Ridwan Elwan

[idiotreviews]

Classic Film Review: The Omen

So, I watched The Omen because supposedly it's got the devil. And a kid kills a lot of people. All sounded good. Unfortunately, only a handful of people die, and the movie actually feels like it's just Evil Mary Poppins in boring old England. Now that I think about it, Evil Mary Poppins would be a sweet movie, even sweeter than this one.

The Omen: Five Stars

So, this movie starts out in Italy, and this old dude's in this hospital with his wife - but there aren't doctors, just priests, and she's having a baby. But the priests are all mysterious and they're like "Your baby... you can't have it. But you can have this other one. His mom was a prostitute." At first the old guy's like, "I don't know, Priest," But the priest tells him, "We won't tell anybody." So he's like "Sure." They name their kid Damien, which is an awful name to grow up with, no wonder he doesn't like his parents.

Then, they walk along this river, with Damien who's like five now. They're like "We love each other, I'm a diplomat, check out this river..." until they realize Damien's missing. Oh shit! Kid in the river? Just kidding, he wasn't missing at all. He was like three feet away from the mom. What's the point? There isn't any. Get to the devil already.

But no, first some stupid photographer tries to take the diplomat's picture, and he's like, "Get lost, or I'll break your camera." Then he breaks his camera.

Then the diplomat's like, "We're moving to England." And they do. Then they have a crazy birthday party, and live in this crazy palace, and the nanny climbs out the window and yells, "Hey Damien, make sure you watch this!" Then she commits suicide. Pretty creepy, I'll admit it. Then the clown looks sad, and a bunch of kids just look confused while creepy music plays.

After that, Evil Mary Poppins shows up. She just shows up at their house and is like, "I'm here to take care of your kid." The parents are like "Really? Who hired you? Us?" And she's like "No. Just... I have references." Then they're like "Sweet. You're hired." Her references must have been like the pope or something.

One day the diplomat's doing work and this priest comes, and is like, "Hey, we've got a problem. You gotta pray, because your kid, he's the devil." The diplomat's like "No way, man. Get out of my office," and calls security and they kick the priest out. Then the photographer takes pictures of him. Who cares about this stupid photographer? Get over it! What kind of photographer even wants to take pictures of diplomats? Shouldn't he be following famous people? Whatever.

Next, Evil Mary Poppins is like, "Hey, I got Damien this super scary dog." The diplomat's like "What? That dog's super scary. Our kid's like six. Get rid of it." She's like "Alright, eventually..." No point. Who cares if he has a dog or not?

Then the priest dies, because like a big rod flies through his heart. I don't know where it came from. It's just this big thing. Anyway, the photographer is like, "Whoa, my picture predicted it!" So he goes to tell the diplomat, who's like "Yeah right," but then he sees the pictures and is like "You're right." Maybe my kid is the devil.

Then they go to Rome. Ugh. Nobody cares. I just want to see this kid be the devil. But at the priest hospital they're like, "We don't keep records. We're priests, not a hospital. Why would we just give you a different baby, anyway?" All good points, but the diplomat won't have it, so he goes to see the old priest. Why is this a boring mystery movie? I thought kids would be running around killing people, with the power of the devil.

Anyway, the old priest's like, "You gotta kill him, because he's the devil. 666, all that devil stuff. It's him. Use these weird swords." Then the photographer gets his head chopped off by glass. That was awesome! But not as awesome as when Final Destination did it. Ripoff! Whatever, still sweet.

Also, the priest's like, "He's gonna kill your wife, who's pregnant by the way. Congratulations." The diplomat's like "No way." I don't know why he doesn't believe this, but does believe his kid's the devil. Anyway, the wife falls over the balcony, and is hanging on and like "Help! Help!" to the kid, but the kid doesn't help. This seems ridiculous. How was a little kid even supposed to help? Anyway, she was pregnant, so now the guy's like "Shit. I gotta kill this kid, with weird swords."

So, finally, we start to get some action. He kidnaps the kid, and is like "I'm gonna kill you in church you stupid devil kid." But, the cops chase him, and he's driving around and the kid's crying and it's pretty sweet. He goes to kill the kid, but then the cops shoot him. He dies and the kid lives, and at the end it's like what's the point? The kid was just a dick who hated his parents, probably for giving him a shitty name and making him live in England.

Look, if you like watching people talk a lot about numbers, or politics, or walk around old mansions and look at pictures, this movie is for you. If you like people getting killed by the devil, skip it.

Drinking Game: When they say Damien, take a shot. You will honestly black out within the first seven minutes, and then not have to suffer through the rest of the movie.