#riselka

[desdasiwrites]

–Guy Gavriel Kay, Tigana

[elminx]

I’ve been in this fishbowl of change for such a long time now.  I like to think that I’m okay with it - everything’s fine!  nothing to see here! - but then, suddenly, it's not.  I like to think that I’m ta’averen and that everything might fall apart all around me but I am in control of it.  I like to think that I’m the Riselka that marks the change. I have tucked and ducked and I have rolled.  And rolled some more.  I have spoken all of the right words about changing before you have to.

Now I just feel like the girl screaming “Too much!  Too much!  Too much!” as I ground everybody else and am desperate for solid ground.   Just one single aspect of my life that is knowable, that I can understand and trust to not change on me this week.   I’d like the time to deal with each individual change and ground it into my being.  

Instead, I am spinning in circles.  I’m not even sure which crisis to be concerned about.   They are all reflections of each other.

It is so hard to deeply understand where I am, empathize with all...seven(?) people involved in this situation, and still not know what to do.