#ritti

[missleading]

The #starbucksnamefail saga continues #britter #ritti #adventuresofabbyandritter @raptor_ritter

[forwhomthebenfolds]

last night i dreamed that i had to console a horse who was very broken up over the spice girls breaking up. i consoled her by telling her about my own break-up and letting her know that sometimes break-ups just have to happen.

[forwhomthebenfolds]

i’m mad at you for fucking this up, but i know it wasn’t all your fault. it’s been two days since i saw you, and i’m surprised by how okay i am. i think of you all day and i’m a little heavy, but i’m not falling apart. 

but also i miss you a lot. here is some evidence of that: when i am listening to songs that we used to listen to together in the car, i can hear you in my head singing along.

i was thinking about what we were talking about a couple days ago in my car about how our basic instincts with each other were often unhealthy and that fighting those instincts was just very hard. like my instinct was to take on responsibility for chris, chris’s instinct was to be non-confrontational, or chris’s instinct was to not talk to me about their feelings. i think about all the fucked up ways of being i’ve learned from growing up the way i did, and i wonder how much of that i can actually fight and change, especially when a lot of it is my unthinking/immediate reactions to situations. i wonder how much of this i can change if i’m with chris again in the future, or if these patterns are too engrained in our relationship to shift, even with space. maybe i can unlearn these things, but only in new, fresh relationships where there isn’t any baggage yet.

[forwhomthebenfolds]

things that went wrong between chris and me

-- chris had a habit of disappearing when they weren’t doing well, ignoring me, pulling away.

-- when i wasn’t doing well, i asked for more support.

-- when we both weren’t doing well, chris was pulling away while i was asking for more, leading me to feel even more insecure and anxious, which only led chris to pull away more, creating a bad cycle.

-- chris fucked me over when they started seeing abby and abandoned me for two to three weeks, at a time that i was doing very poorly and needed chris’s support. they spent all their time with abby, starting a new and unhealthy relationship at the expense of ours. over this period of time, they consistently privileged abby over me, breaking my heart. we almost broke up at the end of this period.

-- chris and abby did break up, but began talking within a few days of them breaking up and made plans to hang out in real life. this obviously triggered a lot of anxiety in me because of what just happened between chris and abby and me. chris didn’t give their self time to move on from abby and also didn’t give me time to heal from what had just happened.

-- chris and i have a tendency towards co-dependency and spending too much time together and feeling bad when we’re not together

-- i process my emotions immediately through talking about them immediately, but it takes chris a while to figure out how they feel, so when we have conversations about important relationship issues, my ideas and my feelings tended to dominate.

-- chris has been in a similar place mental health-wise for over a year and hasn’t been seeing a therapist because of anxiety and insurance problems. i keep pushing chris to do things for their health, but chris doesn’t listen to me, and then i feel bad. chris hasn’t really been taking care of their self and making healthy choices.

-- i feel overly responsible for chris’s well-being. chris hasn’t really taken care of their self in a lot of ways, and i feel responsible for making sure that chris is taken care of and is okay. i feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility, and i seem to think that i give chris enough love and support, that i can make them make healthy choices. i can’t seem to let this sense of responsibility go, and i realize that it’s controlling and unhealthy, but it’s also hard to just watch someone you love suffer. i swear it comes from a place of compassion, even as i recognize that it’s no good. it also enables chris to not reach their own conclusions about what to do, and it enables them to not take care of themself.

[forwhomthebenfolds]

tfw your ex was hiding from you that they shared a food blog with their ex and the only original content on the food blog is a picture of the dinner that you ate with your ex the night before you broke up

@lots2eat

[forwhomthebenfolds]

up late and longing for human connection

[forwhomthebenfolds]

thinking about

the act of confessing

like i've found myself repeatedly over the last week stressed and freaking out, and i feel like i talk to someone who's close to me, and for whatever reason, at that time, i confess everything (anxieties and stress and etc.) usually it's this series of multiple paragraph texts. and it all just pours out. it's like my head is overflowing and it's all gushing out. it's so much and it all comes out -- it's very much like there is this dam

 and then there's this ecstatic feeling.

and i wonder why i wait to confess -- why i let it build up, and partially i wonder if i like the ecstatic feeling of the overflowing confession. or maybe it's just that i'm not aware of the stresses on my mind until they become unbearable.

i feel like this is all very mixed up, but i'm thinking about confessing a lot. when i cofness, i feel like i have been waiting forever just to be able to confess to this one person, and it's finally happening. and i don't want to stop, i just want to confess every single thing

foucault talks about confession in the history of sexuality vol. 1. essentially, at some point, we begin to feel that confession is liberation. there's more to it, i should revisit it and see how it meshes with what i've been experiencing.

idk, these are thoughts to think about and things to develop.

[forwhomthebenfolds]

FUCK THESE HICCUPS