This post is literally about today and what I figured out, it's not funny but I'm really proud of myself and I wanted to type out all my thoughts, nothing is worth reblogging or really reading, I just wanted to throw this out there ^_^
Today was a huge day.. It started off with my first day of work which was uberly cool and for the first time in months I was actually happy, I was not depressed or scared or even thinking about what might happen next, I was actually happy. Then everything, when I got home from work, just exploded and it was horrible, tears and angry words, then the truth, and once that hit everything got better. Though letting it all out made me feel not any better because it was to the wrong person, I was happy the fight was over and I wanted to get out. So I did, I went to the river, I jumped in the water and learned how to skip stones I learned some good lessons on how to find happiness and not be so scared of everything. I heard two beautiful stories and learned a lot. Then I did something I never thought could happen in this city.... I loved it. I loved this city, for the first time. I loved it, it was beautiful and there was culture and one other thing, sitting on a concrete wall was this girl, she looked so sad, like everything was just crashing down, like i had felt earlier that day. So I walked over to her and I told her what was on my mind, I told her that she was beautiful. I told her to smile because I was sure it was just as beautiful as she was, and when she did, it was amazing :) Then I went to a light show and saw some beautiful girls dance in the beautiful light and show off some beautiful skills. For the first time in a year I was completely happy, no worries. Really the only thing on my mind was how amazing I was feeling and how I could make HER feel this, how I could show her something beautiful in something so polluted. Now the trick is, to get her to come out with me :)
Tonight was the first night that I had actually denied a kiss, had actually said no to a kiss. It wasn't the person or the setting that wasn't right, it was just that at that moment I didn't feel anything for the person leaning in. All I could think about were her lips, and how they felt and how I liked that they were the last ones to touch mine, I don’t want anyone else’s to top that, the last kiss I receive/gave was to/from her and I want to keep it that way because I truly love/d her so why jade that with a spur-of-the-moment-going-no-where kiss? I was so proud that for once I made a decision based upon what I wanted. Not anyone else. I learned something tonight, I learned what loving yourself means. I love myself, I am an amazing person and if you think otherwise... well get the hell out. I learned that just because everyone else throws me away and it hurts, it doesn't mean I'm nothing, it doesn't mean that I deserve not to live anymore. It just means that there are better people for me, I need a different circle. I need a better vibe, better people J It is so crazy, I never could have thought that I had anymore fight in me, I thought that I was just going to want to die for the rest of forever, but you wana know what I realized?? I still want to fight, and this time it’s not for anyone, it’s for me. For me first and then her, but I need to take care of me first, just as she needs to take care of her first.
"Eyes are the gateway to the soul" Hell yes they are and when I looked into her eyes.. even from the very beginning I saw the fight, she can do it, I see it in her. What I need to do is bring it out of her I need to show her that it is there, when I say that she IS the most beautiful person I have ever met, I mean it. I don't say that thinking she doesn't have her flaws, I know she does, she's a terrible texter, and she is so closed off sometimes it's frustrating but she's worth it. And I'm worth it, and I am not the most attractive person, but I have nice eyes because I have a nice soul, and I have a good drive, a decent smile and a lot to give. She is my bestfriend and I won't ever give up on her because I love her. That is what I learned today. I don't know how that all shot me today but it did, and I feel good about it. I feel like I have some hope back in my life, I feel like there are beautiful things out there, you just have to know where to look and how to think. I feel damn happy tonight, so I'll put the razor blade away :) Maybe for good this time, for me.
