The shivering rattled her. She wasn’t sure if it was her nerves, adrenaline, emotion or just the chill coming through the door. Whatever it was, her heart was racing and her eyes were still clamped tightly shut. She knew she couldn’t stay here, River would be checking to see if she had left, but she needed a moment. For the life of her, she couldn’t figure out why she was so damned determined to kick her out tonight. Other staff members had crashed overnight before, why was she on her case? They had talked. She seemed to believe her when she said nothing was going on between her and Harry. So what was her problem?
She opened her eyes and fished her mobile from her pocket and fired off a quick text to James:
Thanks. You are the best, but you already know that. I will make it up to you, as a matter of fact, I already am! Taking Rose out for a makeover in the AM so she’ll be even more beautiful for you. I’ll call you 2morrow.
Donna hit send and dropped her phone next to her. She was spent. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, she let her head fall forward upon her knees, just like she had upstairs. She had been repeating this position since she was a small child, curling up to hide from Sylvia.It was her “I can’t...” position.
Three days ago, Christopher Smith was a distant memory. A painful, beautiful memory. After 15 years, she had absolutely no reason to believe she would ever see him again. For the first year or two after their summer, she romanticized their summer in her mind into something akin of a Shakespearian tragedy. The young lovers... separated by cruel fate and all of that. Then, as time marched on, it became harder and harder to remember if he ever DID say he loved her? Maybe it was just something she imagined. Maybe she needed to invent those moments to cope with the pain and rejection she felt? The incredible loss of feeling so special one moment and then forgotten the next.
And then there was the baby.. and the guilt and the loss of all that could have been! She would have loved that precious little girl forever. She would have moved heaven and Earth to keep her if someone could have protected them both from Sylvia.
But she was alone. Always alone.
More time went on and she gained perspective. She never quite got over her funny, kind... gorgeous fella from the North, but he was wrong. She did move on. It was just that there was no one to move on with, it wasn’t that she didn’t try.
She hadn’t spoken aloud of their summer to anyone. Keeping it to herself meant protecting him, so she did. She always would, if it would keep him from jail. However, there was a lovely young girl out there,with steel blue eyes, and ginger hair who might try to find them someday. What would happen then? Would he even want to see her? She understood how overwhelmed he had felt with everything she told him tonight, but he hadn’t even taken the picture of her to look at, he just glanced at it over her shoulder. Was he just not interested? She didn’t expect, nor did she want him to run out and go looking for her, but he had seemed more concerned about the age difference than his daughter. Then again, he really did have a lovely, big family... a niece and nephew that adored him. She didn’t have anyone, but the people she worked with and a sadistic old woman that gave birth to her.Maybe it was just a much bigger deal to her?
Three days ago, she had found herself under Harry’s spell. (How long had they known each other now?) In her wildest dreams,she never would have imagined he would be interested in her, but the way he looked at her... the way he spoke to her. The way he made her feel, like she was the most important woman in all of creation! In that one moment, there wasn’t anything she couldn’t do and there wasn’t anything she wouldn’t have done for him.
Then the very next day, Chris was standing at her bar. Her new security guard. Her heart both soared and sunk at the same time. How could she have known?
What did she do to deserve this? Chris said he didn’t reject her, but that last comment...the way he said it, even as he took it back, it still hurt. Yes, she did sleep with Harry, once, but he was gone...15 years gone. He left her. He left her pregnant. He moved on. He didn’t say that he ever thought about her, that he ever tried to contact her. No, only that she wasn’t a notch on his bedpost. It was she that thought about him, she was the one that carried the torch.
Oh she was a bleeding fool. That’s all she’s ever been to any man. A story to brag about back at the local.
Even now, he didn’t know if he wanted to be with her. She understood, she honestly did, but still, knowing that he could go to jail for something that happened between them 15 years ago made her feel incredibly guilty. Especially in light of his PTSD. She dumped this all on him and he collapsed! What kind of monster does that to a person?!
All these thoughts were burning through Donna’s head. They raged like a wildfire, consuming her.
Enough! RIver wanted her gone, so be it. She’d go. Maybe she’d put in her notice in the morning?
That would save Chris from dealing with all of the drama associated with her. She could find work elsewhere, though she knew she’d never find another group like this one. She loved these idiots. The more she thought about it though, the more convinced she became that maybe it wasn’t Harry they needed to fear as much as Missy.
Something was up with her. The way she arranged for her to walk in on Harry... her little confrontation with Rose and Osgood. The way she spoke to James in front of her. It was almost like she was taunting he for some reason.
Donna slipped her hand out to from around her knees to blindly grope the floor for her phone.
