One Regret
I'm grieving an old friend who I don't believe I have the right to. Blinded by what I thought was love some time ago, I neglected him, I put him last. It's easy to say I don't regret anything because at the time I committed the act it's exactly what I wanted to do. Safely, I am saying that allowing myself to lose him, is my only regret in this lifetime.
See I was not thinking with my own clear mind. The narcissist I thought I was in love with and was trying so desperately hard to please was like a cloud of the most confusing mist to those long 6 months. I wished my friend was still around when the doom of my ordeal struck. But it was too late.
He did warn me, he warned us all that eventually he'd go completely off the grid and become unreachable. He was always built like that, to wither away into seclusion was expected of him. But at the back of my mind, I hoped that I was special enough to him to be able to have access even when he decided to become inaccessible. I would've, had I not turned away from him first.
It would make a total of 3 three times that I left him, and each one he predicted. So for him, 6 times, because he lived it simply in the knowing it was destined to come. Talk about feeling a dread, twice. I guess he eventually made a choice for everyone who would try to get close to him again. He gave us his distance first. How heartbreaking. I missed him dearly.
I didnt deserve to miss him, I think. Where was I when he was missing me, my warmth and cheer that I knew he craved? I was reserving it solely for that energy sucker when I could've saved my darling from this plunge into eternal solitude that he's so foolishly chosen for his life.
Perhaps one day he'll come across this blog and he'll know that I still read "bluestar" because it's the only way I feel close to him. He'll know that I'm sorry and I'm hurting most days I don't hear from him. He'll know that the first person I wanted to tell the good news of my baby was him. He'll understand that I've healed from the manipulation I faced and I wish I had done things differently. I'm still praying for strength instead of an ease to my weight just as he taught me. I've never, nor will I ever forget every way that he's groomed my soul into the beauty it is today.