#rm.journal

[donttellmymotherr-blog]

I went to my LA home this morning out of precaution & found that my spare key is missing. Unless I brought it to New York , the neighborhood is guarded so I never really thought of anything happening. I got in ok & looked around , I think some things are missing…I don’t have any definitive proof it was Kristy , & I really don’t want to have to deal with anything dealing with her.

She’s not even supposed to be near me or my property , I’m thinking of installing cameras before leaving LA to New Jersey, just to be cautious.

[donttellmymotherr-blog]

I feel like I'm doing something wrong..why do I feel like this? I thought this vacation was going to help. It's been wonderful honestly but , I just feel..like there's distance. I don't want to lose him but I already feel like I am. On top of that , I may have also skipped out on telling my parents about Kristy , I was scared of the reaction. I've slowly rebuilt my relationship with my mom and I don't really want to ruin that what if she blamed me some how? That's stupid I know. I'm so paranoid but I'm not letting anyone know that. I'm going to hide it , like I always do On a side note I got food poisoning , so I kind of have just been in bed in the hotel room alone with my thoughts.

[killerquccnn]

I need to find a way to get money because I'm going broke , my album might help but I'm on the brink of getting kicked out of my apartment...unless well My sister isn't using her LA home is she?... There is no way she'll let me stay , so I have to find a way to break in. What she know won't hurt right? Not exactly like she is paying much attention towards me.

[donttellmymotherr-blog]

I had to tell a room full of people my past. It was so nerve wrecking but I had to for my testimony. Little too no surprise Kristy did not come to the hearing. Go figure.

But , everything went well & now the restraining order is in effect. I don’t know how I’m going to tell mom I’m not going to the reunion if Kristy is there. I know she’ll come up with excuses like “oh we’ll put you in separate rooms”. Or the grand ol “but we’re family you have to go!!”

I just can’t risk anything. If a room full of strangers didn’t stop Kristy why would family?

My mom still wants too meet Frank too though. Maybe we can figure something out.

On a better note Frank showed me where he grew up the other day & we were at this amazing diner. Overall it was pretty cool too see him just reflect on everything.

I can’t believe in just a few days it’ll be 2 months. This month has just been so hectic for both of us in our own ways but I feel like we’re so much closer.

[donttellmymotherr-blog]

I told Kristy I was putting a restraining order on her until she decided to get help & it really seemed like she couldn't care any less. And , honestly I don't know really how to process that. She hasn't mentioned anything about suing me. Not that she would even get anywhere with it I don't know if it was Frank talking her out of it or the fact she was probably just drunk at the time she said it. Anyways it seems like she is recovering just perfectly. I'm getting sort of better , I still need to have the sling with me another couple weeks. I just want it off because I feel like I'm such a burden with it. I still feel terrible for taking Frank away from California, I know it isn't my fault but I can't help feel like it is. I'm so thankful he did come back though. I don't really deserve someone as wonderful as him.

[donttellmymotherr-blog]

My mother called me today. I was going to call her & wish her a happy Mother’s Day beforehand.

When she called me though she was crying & said how she felt terrible about what happened with Kristy & felt it was her fault. Then she just went on about how she shouldn’t of burdened me with my sister & went on about how it wasn’t right for her to blame me for my sisters issue. She’s felt like this ever since the outburst on tour. Then she went on to say she was happy I found someone like Frank & wishes the best for us. She said she wanted to meet him at the reunion. I told her we’ll see.

I’m not sure if he’d want to go but it would be nice to have him there at least. Overall I don’t really know how to fully process everything because it’s just so sudden & as much as I want to be close with my family again I’ve been through all of this before.

Every time something seems to going right it all does a 180 & I get hurt all over again.

I’m wary & I’ve given so many second chances to my family…I just don’t know.

I still need to talk to Kristy about rehab , I planned too in New York but she decided to drink until she was passed pit drunk. I know she’s trying to avoid it…but..I’m not letting that happen not this time.

Just one step at a time

[donttellmymotherr-blog]

Should I tell him I’ve been feeling insecure with myself lately? He’s already been dealing with other things. I still don’t really know what happened & I know he’ll tell me at some point…I just don’t want to burden him with this when I just got here…

I’ve only been having a meal a day prior to jersey , I’m afraid of eating to much & not being able to work out.

It’s so stupid , I shouldn’t feel like this about myself.

But , for now i’m just going to hide it.

[justwanafeelunlost]