When my co-workmate resigned, 4 na lang kaming sabay sabay maglunch magkasama, but then, di nila ko naaaya lumabas or what.
I noticed and I mind pero di na lang ako nagsabi, but then, naoffend talaga ko nung sa pagpapa-BP pero di nila ko naalalang tawagin. I wanted to check my BP din sana, pero I thought it was 3pm pa but all of them, nakapagpa BP na.
When they played Break out room, and went to Binondo, I wasn't invited. Bumalik tuloy yung disappointment ko dati sa isang online group na even if I'm there, may separate gc sila, so I cannot understand some of their kwento, and I just told myself, I am not that close to them.
But with my workmates, I wanted to belong. I wanted to be with them, but every time I tried, I feel sad about dragging myself to them, when they didn't bother to care about my feelings.
I always tell I'm offended or upset if they didn't invite me or wait for me. But it always happen. And they didn't change for me.
One time, one of them was late, but we all waited for that person. I wonder, if it was me, I know they will not wait for me just like what they did now.
Today, nakasalubong ko sila, pabalik ng office, habang ako palabas para mag-cr. They still didn't ask for me. But they talk to me.
I acted I don't mind. But inside, I'm still shock kahit nabrought up ko na yung hindi nila ko nasasama. Inisip ko na lang na nasa pantry kasi ako that time.
Alam mo yun? Hindi man ako sumama, courtesy sana yung pag-aya and pagalala.
But I know, I cannot demand something that is not willing to give for me. It depends on closeness pa rin.
As an adult, I know I should not bother or let it be. But I want to validate my sad feelings and where it is coming from.
That feeling of having space in a group, as they care, and ask about you, kasi ako yung laging late, laging hindi updated. I thought knowing that would make them extend help or concern din.
Pero I cannot adjust din eh. I cannot be super early, super updated, whatsoever.
We have happy moments, but this friendship na gusto kong ipush is not for me eh. :')
I'm quite accepting na I'm not much close with any of them for even one to ask me out.
Pero I realized na it doesn't serve me better as well.
It's hard to feel this way, pero in accepting na I can't receive what i expect from them makes me less affected, or hurt. After some time, it will not sting anymore, and I will soon find the people who can appreciate me.
It was a season of friendship I treasured especially nung sobrang vulnerable ko pa and malala ang anxiety. I am grateful, but now I am accepting it's over. :)
