I’ve never wanted to stay before. I’ve always wanted to leave. Be on the run. Go. Move. Never get stuck in one place, with the same person or people, for too long. None of that steady and stable stuff has ever served me well.
If I’m the one who’s moving forward – making all the decisions – constantly bouncing from place to place – then I’m never the one left behind. I’ve suffered through that feeling once and I promised myself I’d never go back there. I’d do everything in my power to ensure that I was never left again.
People think you cannot control your own destiny, but I disagree. There is plenty I can control. Sure, some things still have not gone completely according to plan, but I am able to manage and handle quite a bit on my own. I’ve done just fine thus far.
There’s still something inside of me that wants to be rooted. Grounded. Connected to something.
Anything.
Someone.
Anyone.
No matter how far down I try to stuff those feelings, they always come back up.
Especially when they are least expected and most unwanted.
I can feel them bubbling in the base of my gut. Crawling and creeping across the insides of my abdomen as they wake up from a deep slumber.
Hibernation.
They lay dormant and silenced due to the precise and calculating methods I’ve learned for keeping any emotion at bay.
From my belly they rise farther and farther up my spine – tingling and leaving fragments of hard, bitter, frozen bone along my back. It leaves me feeling bruised.
Brittle.
Able to snap and break into what feels like a million pieces at any moment.
Just like me, the feelings are on the move – never staying in one place for too long.
From along my back, they move to my shoulders and the base of my neck, bringing heat and tension. The muscles that wrap across my collarbone and the top of my chest ache with a dull throb.
Pulsing.
Reaching.
Stretching.
Crying out through the taught pain asking someone, anyone, something, anything, to care about what I’m going through.
What I’ve survived.
What I’ve yet to overcome.
Once the emotions of desiring stability, community, companionship reach my throat, I gulp hard again trying to control them and push them back down. My throat constricts as if I will swallow my tongue whole. Immediately my mouth becomes dry and the familiar, salty taste of my own saliva consumes me.
My brain tries to decide if what’s on my tongue is bile, tears, or blood. I think it’s a combination of all three. My body turns against me as the emotions continue to rise within. My head spins and I sweat even though I’m cold. I start to see stars as the corners of my vision fade and the very stability I myself create disappears as my legs give way and I fall to the earth I so desperately want to be bound to.
Tethered.
Connected.
Stable.
Grounded. Rooted. Committed.
Calm.
Peaceful.
Understood. Known.
Yet also…
Anchored.
Chained.
Frozen.
Unable to move.
Tied.
Captured.
Fearful.
Trapped.
And when I wake up for the millionth time after letting myself get to this point…my immediate thought is to move. To sit up. To get my bearings and run. Get as far away from anyone, anything, something, someone, who is causing me to feel this way.
Who is bringing up these foreign emotions in me? I know I’m not doing it to myself. I cannot be. I am too poised. Too controlled. Too restrained.
But something, someone, is holding me down. Holding me back. Keeping me from moving. I hear a voice but have no idea what it’s saying. I cannot comprehend the words. I only hear hums and rhythms of inflection that I assume are instructions for me that I’m choosing to ignore.
If I close my eyes and ears and hands real tight, I can shut it all out.
“You know the penalty if you fail.”
“You know the penalty if you fail.”
“You know the penalty if you fail.”
I repeat the mantra over and over again; as I always do. Reminding myself of all that could be lost if I don’t succeed.
This time it’s different. There’s an impenetrable wall in front of me. With my fists clenched, eyes shut, trying my best to block out the world around me, what’s in front of me simply will not move. The humming of the voice grows louder, deeper, the rhythms more consistent.
When I open my eyes, they are met with an icy blue stare. Intense. Focused. Strong. I look away but they remain steady.
I look down at my feet and bite my lip, still angry at the world and all that is within and around me. When I look back up – his eyes are still watching me.
His hands are on my biceps forcefully holding me in place. Keeping me glued to my position as he demands for me to look at him. I can’t bear to hold his gaze for more than a millisecond.
I shut my eyes again trying to trick my brain into thinking of a way out. I have to run. I cannot stand still. Time is being wasted as I frantically come up with a plan for escape.
But the dull, deep, desperate rhythm of his voice lulls me out of my dark thoughts.
“Se. Lee. Na.” The syllables of my name are chanted over and over again.
The voice is calm.
The voice is clear.
The voice is warm and inviting.
“Selena.”
Not Lilith.
“Selena.”
He’s here.
“Selena.”
It’s Rob.
My panicked search for a way out is met with his composed and kind invitation.
“Calm down. You’re okay. You’re safe. I’m with you. I’m not going anywhere.” His voice exudes confidence, trust, and care.
Could it be that in this moment, seeing his face and hearing his words, help me become no longer afraid to stay?
Is it possible that I no longer want to run?
My heart is still beating quickly, and I slowly resist the urge to bang on his chest and fight against him.
Perhaps I don’t have to stay in one place for too long, but I don’t have to leave all on my own, either.
It’s hard to be searching for something when you aren’t quite sure what you’re looking for. I knew something inside me was missing but I never really knew what exactly it was.
But now I know what I’ve been missing and simultaneously I’ve found what I’ve been searching for…
Him.
I still want to run. I still want to keep moving. I don’t want anyone or anything to ever hold me back.
I don’t know if he will be with me forever or when he will leave me – but I have him for now.
