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once bitten and twice shy ₊°｡❆

9k (i'm so sorry) • [cw: implied consensual underage sex (non-graphic, not shown), complex family dynamics, implied/threatened child abuse, homophobia] tanner's dad is homophobic but doesn't know that tanner is gay • tanner spends christmas with the chau family. cameron's family kind of hates tanner's guts, but they come around eventually! mostly timeskip

chapter 9/16 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8

a/n: merry christmas (if you celebrate) and happy holidays! divider is yours truly, and i hope you enjoy this chapter! i really loved how soft my babies are in this, i listened to white winter hymnal on loop during the snow scene! title is from 'last christmas' by wham!

10:12 am, December 23, 2024

“Cameron!” Andrew Chau’s face lights up the phone screen as he joins the call with his son. “It’s been so long! Are you eating well? You look very healthy!”

“Yeah, thanks, Dad.” Cameron blushes. “I’m doing good, actually. Is Charlie there?”

“Sure, she’s right here.”

Charlotte’s bespectacled face appears in the camera. She’s almost a carbon copy of her younger brother, minus the height. Even their glasses match.

“Hey, Cam! What’s up?”

Cameron flops onto his couch, scratching Ody’s ears from where the dog is curled up by the armrest.

“About our holiday plans…there’s been a slight adjustment.”

“Are you not able to host?” Charlotte raises an eyebrow. “Because if you can’t, then you could always just come here.”

“No, I’m still hosting. I just invited someone to join us. That’s okay, right?”

“Of course! Who did you invite?” His dad mock-gasps. “Did you finally meet someone? Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Chill, Dad. Cameron has, like, zero game.” Charlotte snickers through the speaker. “There’s no way he got someone to date him already.”

“First of all, ouch. Secondly, the person I invited is someone you guys already know.”

“Well, who is it?”

“It’s…um…it’s Tanner.” Cameron winces as soon as the words leave his mouth. Despite repeatedly assuring Tanner that his family has no grudges against him, there’s a great deal of enmity toward the poor guy within the Chau household.

“Tanner? Tanner Jackson? The kid that broke your heart and left you friendless? Surely you can’t mean that Tanner.” Mr. Chau rubs the bridge of his nose where his wire-rimmed glasses rest.

“No, yeah. I meant Tanner Jackson.”

“Cam, are you serious?” Charlotte splutters. “Don’t you remember how—”

“I know you guys have your reservations about him. I mean, believe me, I didn’t trust him at all at first! But he’s changed for the better. It’s like…he’s the same person I met ten years ago, before all the bad stuff happened.”

“But he hurt you so much,” Charlotte insists. “How can you trust him after everything he did?”

“He apologized for it all. And I accepted it, because I can see how much he’s changed. He’s lighter now. Happier. He doesn’t push me away anymore. If anything, I’m the one who’s been distant, not him.” He sighs. “I’m not asking you guys to be his biggest fans. You don’t even have to get him a gift. Just…please be open-minded. And please be nice!”

“Aiya, of course we will be nice.” Mr. Chau shrugs. “But don’t expect me to roll out the red carpet for him. After all that boy has done, he’ll be lucky to get out of the door without a beating.”

“As long as you let him in the house,” Cameron mutters.

3:41 pm, December 22, 2024

“So you’re sure that your family is cool with me spendin’ Christmas with y’all?” Tanner twirls a candy cane between his fingers like he’s trying to perform a magic trick. “I mean, not to dig up the past, but I don’t have a great track record with them.”

Odysseus thumps his tail from his bed in the corner, as if affirming Tanner’s point.

“I’m sure. I just called them. They’re cool with it.” Cameron takes a thoughtful sip of his green tea. “I mean, I wouldn’t say they were enthusiastic, per se, but they’re complacent.”

“You and your fancy words.” Tanner rolls his eyes. “I swear you’re compensating for something with them.”

“Hey, I invited you over to help me decorate, not to psychoanalyze me.” He tosses Tanner a string of red beads. “Now hang these on the tree while I go find the rest of the ornaments.”

“You’re taller than me anyway,” Tanner grumbles, “dunno why I have to do all the heavy lifting ‘round here.”

“Those ornament boxes weigh, like, a billion pounds. Your spine would break if you tried to carry them.”

“You callin’ me a twink?”

“I’m not not calling you a twink,” Cameron teases. “It’s okay. We’ve all been there. No need to be embarrassed.”

“Who said I was embarrassed? And besides, I remember when you used to be skinnier than a pine needle. Not my fault that you shot up a foot since high school. How does anyone even hit a growth spurt that late? Are you on steroids?”

“I just eat my fruits and vegetables.”

“Right. Your organic free-trade fruits and vegetables from the farmer’s market that were, like, harvested by virgins under the full moon on the winter solstice.”

“Actually, they’re from 99 Ranch and I have to drive half an hour to get them every week.”

“I thought it was Ranch 99,” Tanner teases, knowing exactly how much that pisses Cameron off. He gets the reaction he’s hoping for, because Cameron turns around with a glare.

“Get the fuck out of my house.”

5:27 pm, December 23, 2024

“Fuck, I’m nervous. Am I supposed to be this nervous?” Tanner gnaws at his fingernails like a beaver. “What if they hate me?”

“If it’s any consolation, I don’t think you can make them hate you any more than they already do.” Cameron tugs at the collar of his frosty blue sweater. “But seriously, just be yourself and it’ll be fine.”

“Being myself is exactly what I think is gonna make them hate me!”

“You’re so dramatic.”

“No, I’m serious!”

“It doesn’t matter that much, Tanner. They’re gonna leave in a couple of days.”

“It matters to me,” Tanner insists. “I want to make a good impression, you know? Show them that I’ve changed.”

“It’ll be obvious to them. I mean, you even look like a whole new person.”

“In a good way or a bad way?”

“Good.” Tanner feels a small bit of victory when he sees the slight blush dusting Cameron’s cheeks. “Really good. You look more like…like yourself, I guess. You grew up a lot.”

“Grow up or glow up?”

“Both.”

Okay, nervousness officially eradicated. Cameron basically said he’s hot. This is a new high for him.

The doorbell rings. They stumble over each other’s feet in their scramble to get to the door, but Cameron gets there first. He opens it hastily, plastering a wide grin on his face.

Mr. Chau’s hair has more gray in it now, and a few of his wrinkles have deepened, but overall he’s aged very gracefully. He wears a thick jacket and pants that look like they might be made out of pure canvas. If he stepped out of them, they would probably stand up of their own accord.

Charlotte is pretty much the same as always. Same scowl. Same choppy black bangs and round glasses. She’s leaned away from the emo-adjacent look and into that other style (twee, maybe) with barrettes in her hair and a gray polka-dot coat on her shoulders.

“Dad! Charlie!” Cameron pulls them both into a hug. “So good to see you guys!”

Odysseus runs in circles around the two newcomers, barking with excitement and wagging his tail so hard that Tanner wonders if it’ll sprain.

“Merry Christmas, Cameron!”

“Missed you, didi.”

Tanner’s never been given a death stare by a father and daughter all at once, but he’s definitely getting it now. Charlotte’s eyes have a malice in them that you can only find in Eastern European gay porn, and Mr. Chau’s kind brown eyes are twisted with pure disdain.

It’s gonna be a long weekend.

“Guys, you remember Tanner, right?” Cameron laughs awkwardly. “It’s been a while since you guys last saw each other, huh? Doesn’t he look great?”

“Hello, Tanner.” Charlotte says his name like it’s a slur. “It’s Christmas.”

“You mean Merry Christmas, right?” Cameron winces.

“No. No, I don’t think I do.”

“Charlotte, be polite.” Mr. Chau pats his daughter on the back. “Tanner, you look exhausted. Adult life treating you rough?”

Even Tanner knows that he’s trying to say you look like shit.

“Hi, guys. How’s it going? Merry Christmas.” Tanner waves politely, because he will be the bigger person and look mature in front of Cameron even if he doesn’t quite fit the part yet. At all. “Yeah, work’s been a little crazy. Still getting used to the new job. You know how it is.”

Charlotte makes the excuse of using the bathroom and pushes past the three men (and the 80-pound Bernese mountain dog) with her suitcase in hand.

“Ah, working life. I’m glad to be retired.” Mr. Chau stretches his wrinkled hands over his head. “Of course, I worked very hard to save up for these years. Have you given any thought to the subject, Tanner?”

Nice try. Clearly, Mr. Chau is expecting the same devil-may-care teenager that broke his son’s heart ten years ago, but that guy is long gone. Tanner came prepared.

“Actually, yes. I’ve been setting some money aside every year, but to be quite honest, I love teaching. I don’t think I’d retire unless I were unable to continue working.” Tanner shrugs. “Besides, I’m only twenty-six. There’s a long time before I shelve my boots.”

“Well, that’s…a very responsible outlook.” Mr. Chau squints at him with suspicious eyes. “I see my son has rubbed off on you.”

“No, I didn’t.” Cameron shoots Tanner a look of gleaming approval. “But I’m not surprised. Tanner’s smarter than he looks.”

“Gee, thanks.”

Cameron laughs and places a hand on Tanner’s shoulder.

“I’m just messing with you.” He glances over at his father. “Dad, want some coffee?”

“Why not?” Mr. Chau shrugs his coat off his shoulders. “Also, where should I set my suitcase?”

“I can get it,” Tanner declares, eager to help however he can. He extends his hand, but the older man pulls back.

“No, it’s all right. I’ll do it myself. Don’t go to any trouble.”

Cameron purses his lips for a moment before pointing down the hall. “You’re taking my room, and Charlotte’s in the guest room. I’ll sleep on the couch.” He watches his father head down the hall, suitcase in hand, before turning back to Tanner. It’s just them in the room now, and Tanner feels every inch of the space between them.

“So…looks like they still kinda hate me.”

“Tanner, I am so sorry about them. I’m gonna talk to them, I promise. Actually, I tried to talk to them before you got here, but maybe I need to make myself more clear.” Cameron scratches the hair at the nape of his neck, unable to make eye contact over his glasses. “You don’t have to stay.”

“You know I’m not here for them, right?” Tanner tilts his head. “I came for you. I want to be around you. I don’t care what your family thinks—I mean, I do, because I want to make you happy, but the only thing that’ll get me to leave is if you ask me to.” He sucks in a sharp breath, meeting Cameron’s careful gaze. His dark eyes are practically unreadable, not for a lack of emotion, but for a whirlwind of it. “Are you…are you going to ask me to leave?”

“You kidding? Of course not.” Cameron’s grinning. “If you wanna stay with me—I mean, if you want to stay, then I want that too.”

“I do want to stay.”

Cameron shakes his head then, laughing softly to himself. Tanner thinks it might be the most beautiful he’s ever heard.

“I want you to stay too,” he reiterates, and then a mischievous smile flickers across his face. “Mostly ‘cause I need some help with dinner.”

“Nice to know that you had zero ulterior motive.”

“How’re we on time?” Cameron checks his watch. “Is the soup almost ready?”

“Pretty hard to fuck up minestrone,” Tanner replies, giving the pot a careful stir. “I’d say give it five minutes. Those potatoes ain’t done yet.”

“Can you hold down the fort while I entertain my family?”

“Say less.” He pretends not to notice how Tanner’s eyes linger as he pulls his sleeves back down from where they were originally rolled up. “It’s not like I can burn soup.”

“I wouldn’t put it past you,” Cameron teases.

He floats outside the tiny kitchen area and into the living room, where his family is taking serious advantage of his HGTV subscription. ‘Fixer Upper’ seems to be a much more pressing issue than Tanner’s return.

“So, was all the passive aggression back there a figment of my imagination, or did you guys do that on purpose?”

“What do you mean, son?”

“You know exactly what I mean!” Cameron rolls his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose from under his glasses. “‘You look exhausted?’ Why don’t you just tell him you want him to get run over by a semitruck?”

“Okay, fine. Bring him over here and I’ll tell him that.”

“Dad,” Cameron groans. “I asked one thing from you guys, and you can’t even give me that?”

“It’s a lot to ask, Cam.” Charlotte tilts her head to the side. “I mean, just look at his crimes and it’s clear that—”

“He was a stupid teenager back then! He was in the closet and he wasn’t ready yet. It’s not like we lived in the most accepting place in the world. Sooner or later, something would’ve separated us.”

“I can’t believe that you can just move past everything that happened,” Charlotte argues.

“It’s not like I forgot it. I remember every second—every last bit of it—but I’ve moved on. The past is the past, and there’s nothing I can do to change it. But what I can do is make the best of the present.” Cameron pauses to take in the shame on his family’s faces. He casts them one more warning glance before turning around. “If I were you two, I’d do the same.”

Tanner’s waiting for him in the kitchen, the minestrone already in bowls with soft bread to complement it. His smile is sweet and warm, like coming home after a cold day. He smells like spices. It’s fucking ridiculous how domestic Tanner looks, how much it makes Cameron blush to see him like this. Why now? Why this exact moment?

This crush is so ten years ago. Here he is, thinking he’s changed, but he’s the exact same person who fell head over heels for Tanner a decade ago. A little taller, a lot older, but apparently not much wiser. Fucking idiot.

“Thanks for getting everything ready,” Cameron stammers. Tanner shrugs.

“Figured I’d make myself useful.” He grins teasingly. “Y’know, considering that you just chewed out your family for my sake.”

“Please pretend you didn’t hear that.”

“Hear what?” Tanner takes two bowls in his hands. “I didn’t hear nothin’.”

“Didn’t hear anything,” Cameron corrects.

“Whatever. Smart-ass.”

They bring the bowls to the table. Odysseus sneaks under Cameron’s chair, curling up in his usual spot. Charlotte stirs from her place on the couch at the smell of food, notices Tanner standing there, and visibly wrinkles her nose. Great. Just what Cameron needs.

“Dinner’s ready,” Cameron mutters. His family takes the two seats opposite of Tanner. Cameron sits next to his friend, across from his sister.

“This looks delicious, Cameron.” His father smiles good-naturedly from his position diagonal to his son.

“Who knew Cam could cook?” Charlotte brandishes her wooden spoon like a cutlass. “Last I remembered, all you knew how to make was frozen dumplings and toast.”

“I’ll have you know I’ve been practicing. And Tanner also helped a bit.”

Charlotte’s grin fades.

“I mean, it looks fine, I guess.”

Cameron kicks her under the table.

“Ow! Okay, fine. It looks delicious.”

For a good few minutes, things go relatively smoothly. Cameron notices Tanner holding back in the conversation, but it doesn’t really matter because he’s so busy catching up with his family.

“That must be really stressful with all the budget cuts,” Charlotte acknowledges after Cameron mentions it. “You said something about fundraising?”

“Uh, yeah.” Cameron glances at Tanner. “We tried to raise some money, but nobody showed up to the event. I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t had time to work on it, anyway. AP Lit and all that.”

“Right. But we’re not givin’ up, right? We’ll find a way to petition the school board or somethin’ like that.” Tanner offers Cameron a reassuring smile. “Everything’ll work out in the end.”

“I really hope so. Other than that, though, work is going great.”

“Must be nice to get winter break,” Charlotte teases. “Most of us don’t get half of December off.”

“Try teaching AP Lit for a day and tell me I don’t deserve that break.”

“Fair enough.” She shrugs. “Hey, we should do a movie marathon tonight. To pregame for tomorrow.”

“That’s a great idea, Charlotte.” Mr. Chau glances around the table. “Should we queue up Lord of the Rings in advance?”

“Ha-ha. Laugh all you want. My house, my rules, and we are watching Lord of the Rings.” Cameron glances over at Tanner. “Um, I mean…if that’s what you want. Is that okay?”

“Hmm. Let me think. I just watched The Hobbit three days ago and reread the series last week, so…yeah. I think it’s time for a rewatch.” Tanner grins.

After the dishwasher is loaded, Cameron puts the movie on (the director’s cut of The Fellowship of the Ring) and starts popping the popcorn. Tanner purses his lips when Charlotte and Mr. Chau sit on the opposite end of the couch from him, but he shakes it off quickly once the opening monologue begins. Odysseus, as usual, is occupying an entire armchair on his own. No one else dares to sit in it because it’s so covered in Ody’s dog hair.

“Don’t start it without me!” Cameron runs in with the popcorn bowl and plops down next to Tanner. “Did I miss anything?”

“It literally just started,” Tanner mumbles. Cameron rolls his eyes and settles back against the couch.

“The world is changed: I feel it in the water, I feel it in the earth, I smell it in the air…”

“On a scale from one to ten, how uncomfortable are you around my family?” Cameron whispers.

“Which one is the highest?” Tanner grins when Cameron laughs. “No, seriously, it’s fine. I promise I’m havin’ a good time.”

“One to ten, how happy are you around me?” He pauses. “Ten being the highest.”

Tanner glances from the movie to Cameron’s face, then to the bowl of popcorn in his lap. He takes a small handful of kernels and holds them in a closed fist.

“Guess.”

“Six.”

“Nope.”

“Hot or cold?”

“Lukewarm.”

“Five.”

“Colder.”

“Eight?”

“Warmer.”

“Nine?”

“Boiling hot.”

Cameron knows the answer already, but he still gently pries Tanner’s fist open. In his calloused palm, there are exactly ten pieces of popcorn. Tanner smiles and counts out five pieces, placing them in Cameron’s own hand.

“On the slopes of Mount Doom they fought for the freedom of Middle-Earth…”

“That much, huh?” Cameron can feel warmth in his face. He hopes that the living room is too dark for Tanner to notice.

“It sure beats sittin’ in my apartment alone. I don’t even have a Christmas tree.”

“Am I just a Christmas tree to you, Tanner Jackson?”

“Close enough. You’re tall and bright.”

“So is a lamppost.”

“Not the point I’m tryin’ to make here.”

“Then what’s your point?”

“If it weren’t for you, I’d be eating cup ramen in the dark while watching Sex and the City and grading shitty charcoal drawings of eyes. But instead I’m with other people, and I’m with you, and I think I’m all the better off for it.”

Cameron tries and fails to hide his smile. Tanner’s not trying at all—he can see the soft curve of his lips even in the dim light of the room. It would be so easy to lean forward and just—

“I’m glad you came,” Cameron admits. “It’s nice to…” To be with you again. To have someone around who gets me the way you do. To have you close to me like this.

“Nice to have a friend?” Tanner finishes the sentence for him, and Cameron, for all his master’s degrees in English Literature, is relieved to have been at a loss for words.

“Yeah. Something like that.”

“‘A Wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.’”

“Hey, if the two of you are done talking, I’m trying to pay attention to the movie.” Charlotte shoots them both a look, to which Cameron frowns and flips her off (behind his father’s back, of course).

Tanner chuckles quietly and turns his attention back to the movie. Cameron mourns the loss of his gaze.

His eyes keep flicking back to Tanner. The scenery of the Shire reflects in his shining brown eyes, and for once, Cameron finds himself almost unable to focus on the movie. If only he could reach out and touch Tanner’s face, if only he could use his words and say something…

“‘Alright then…keep your secrets. Before you came along, we Bagginses were very well thought of.’

‘Indeed?’

‘Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected.’”

Talk about acting out of the unexpected. A year ago, Cameron would have self-imploded if you’d told him that he would be close with Tanner Jackson again, much less sitting on a couch next to him while watching Lord of the Rings.

The movie plays on. Music swells. Colors swirl on the screen. Tanner’s eyes trace every line of dialogue, every subtitle that he knows by heart.

Cameron’s eyes only trace Tanner’s face.

Charlotte and Mr. Chau both turn in early, most likely exhausted from travel. Even Odysseus is fast asleep in his armchair. He snores like a plane engine.

“I’m still not tired,” Cameron muses. He stares at the rolling credits on the screen. “But I also don’t know what I want to do instead of sleeping.”

“What’s somethin’ you don’t feel like doing?” Tanner offers.

“Hmm. I don’t feel like grading papers, even though that’s what I probably should be doing.” Cameron taps his chin. “I don’t want to watch another movie. I don’t want to doomscroll for two hours.”

“Want to go for a walk?”

Cameron perks up.

“Why not?”

They fetch two puffer jackets and gloves from Cameron’s hallway closet. By some miracle, he has an orange beanie and a blue scarf, though the orange beanie has a bright yellow pom-pom that makes Tanner look like a tree covered in loquats. Cameron laughs as he pulls it over Tanner’s head of wavy brown hair. Tanner just flushes at the closeness. He ties the blue scarf around his own neck and they leave the apartment quietly.

The snow outside is piling up in true Christmas fashion when they make it out. All of the parts of Cameron’s everyday walk are covered in a layer of soft white powder. The city looks more like a picturesque puzzle or a painting than a place where two people have lived, worked, and fallen in love.

Even the stars are out tonight to greet them. They’re usually hidden behind a veil of clouds and light pollution, but now they’re sparkling like climate change and the greenhouse effect have paused just for Tanner and Cameron.

“It never snows like this in California,” Cameron mutters in awe. His nose is already red from the cold, and his breath fogs up his glasses. Tanner can’t help but smile at it. “Did it go like this in Chicago?”

“Kinda. Never really had time to appreciate it, though.” He shakes his head. “We sure don’t get anythin’ like this back in Arkansas, that’s for sure. It’s all slush, and that’s if you’re lucky enough to get anything adjacent to snow.”

“Well, it seems a little treacherous to walk with all this ice everywhere.” Cameron looks both ways before crossing the street to the little park across from his building. It’s small, just a grassy area and a playground, but right now it’s deserted and well-lit and much better than trekking the icy sidewalks. Tanner didn’t get all bundled up for nothing. He follows Cameron into the park, never lagging too far behind.

“Wait for me!” Tanner stumbles over his own feet, almost faceplanting in the snow. Cameron laughs and runs to him, closing the distance between them till they’re standing in front of each other.

“Not very mobile in the snow, are you?”

As Cameron walks away, Tanner reaches into a snowdrift and packs a handful of snow into a sphere. When Cameron’s back is turned, he launches the weapon straight at Cameron’s shoulder blade. A direct hit. All those Little League games must have paid off. The snowball explodes on his jacket and crumbles into smaller chunks, drawing an oof out of Cameron and a snort out of Tanner.

“Did you just throw a snowball at me?” Cameron turns around, incredulous. Tanner’s already got the next snowball ready.

“Maybe. What’re you gonna do about it?”

Tanner doesn’t expect the snowball straight to the chest, but he really should’ve. Cameron grins in victory as he runs away, toward the playground where there’s shelter. Tanner catches him first, though, in a perfect tackle that would’ve made his high school coach proud. They both topple to the ground in a blur of orange, blue, and white.

Tanner finds himself underneath Cameron, caged by his arms and the sheer size of the other man. He’s gotta be six foot two by now. Meanwhile, Tanner’s at a respectable 5’9” that’s normally not terrible, but incredibly jarring when standing next to (or lying beneath) a leviathan like Cameron.

Cameron’s glasses are slightly askew. He’s laughing. His shoulders shake when he laughs. The cold wind bites at their faces, turning Cameron’s cheeks pink.

Tanner can’t remember the last time he saw something so perfect.

Without thinking, he reaches up and adjusts Cameron’s glasses, putting them straight and pushing them back onto his face.

“Oh, thank you.” Cameron snickers as he rolls off of Tanner, lying next to him in the snow. “I totally won that, by the way.”

“No, you didn’t. I just tackled you.”

“Yeah, but that’s not a snowball fight, now is it? Seems to me like I won fair and square.”

“Whatever you say, Camry.”

For a moment, they lie there on their backs, staring up at the stars above them. It’s nice to feel small for once. Most people hate feeling insignificant, but Tanner likes the idea that there’s something bigger out there, taking care of him when he can’t do it himself.

“Remember junior year Christmas?” Tanner crosses his hands over his stomach. “When Charlotte threw up on the cookie tray after the three of us shared that bottle of peach schnapps?”

“I still can’t drink schnapps to this day,” Cameron replies.

“Do you remember the Josh Hutcherson poster that you gave Charlotte?”

“That was the year Mockingjay came out, huh?” Cameron looks up to the sky, deep in thought. “Wasn’t that girl in third period obsessed with Katniss? Like, she tried to take a bow and quiver to school?”

“Oh my God, yeah. I remember that.” Tanner covers his eyes and chuckles. “Fuck, what was her name?”

“Regina, I think.”

“Right, right. She was so weird. Are you still friends with her on Facebook?”

“I’m not on Facebook.”

“Yeah, I had to delete it, too. I couldn’t stand seeing all those people from high school. They all peaked in senior year anyway.”

“Remember Monica? From prom?” Cameron laughs just at the memory of her. “You thought she wanted to dance with me, but she was into you the whole time.”

“I barely remember her, to be honest.” Tanner shocks himself with his forwardness. “I didn’t pay much attention to girls.”

A moment of silence passes. Cameron breaks it first.

“Remember prom night?”

Tanner goes still beside him. He doesn’t dare look to the side, doesn’t dare to seek out Cameron’s face right now.

A hand grazes against his own. Their fingers don’t link. They don’t even press their palms together. Their pinky fingers just…remain there. Not pushing forward, but not pulling back, either. The touch is natural, gentle, underscored. It doesn’t pressure. It doesn’t ask for more.

Tanner breathes in, then exhales.

“I wouldn’t forget it in a million years,” he replies, evenly, slowly, honestly.

“Do you regret it?” Cameron blurts.

He does turn his head this time, and his heart melts when he sees Cameron’s eyes.

“I could never.”

Eventually, the snow and the cold grow too heavy for them to bear. They retreat back to the apartment and sneak back in like two teenagers on a school night. Snow-soaked shoes fall by the rack, left unorganized for once.

Cameron left the two bedrooms to his family, so he takes the couch with a pillow and a knitted blanket. Tanner stands awkwardly next to the coffee table as Cameron begins to make his bed.

“You’re staring,” Cameron lilts. “You wanna get comfortable?”

“I, uh, I wasn’t really plannin’ on stayin’ the night.”

“Oh.” Cameron never looked so disappointed.

“But, um…” Tanner blushes, scratching at the back of his scruffy neck. “The roads look kinda icy, and I dunno if it’s super safe to drive home. So, for safety’s sake, it might be better if I…” He trails off.

“...If you stay?”

“Yeah. If I stay.”

“Let me get you a change of clothes, then.” Cameron gets up and goes to his closet, grateful for the chance to smile without Tanner seeing.

He returns with a pair of blue pajama pants and a UCLA sweatshirt. Tanner accepts them gratefully and gestures toward the hall.

“I’m gonna go change,” he explains. Cameron nods.

“It’s just down the hall.”

The clothes are a bit too big and really too blue, but they smell like Cameron (sandalwood and lavender) and they’re comfortable. He stares at himself in the mirror for just a bit too long, transfixed by the sight of himself in something that’s so clearly Cameron’s. He feels like by wearing something that belongs to Cameron, he’s also owned by extension.

When Tanner comes out of the bathroom in Cameron’s clothes, he notices how Cameron stares, too. The linen closet yields an extra pillow and a sleeping bag. Cameron takes great pleasure in claiming the couch, especially when he gets to give Tanner a superior look from his perch above him.

“So what’s the plan for tomorrow?” Tanner looks up from the floor.

“One of my students—you know Callum, right?”

“Yeah, the one who’s in choir?”

“That’s the one. Anyway, he’s doing a Christmas concert thing with his quartet? I don’t really know. He asked me to go and gave me the address, so we’re going in the evening. Then afterward, we’re doing the yearly Home Alone binge.”

“Interesting.” Tanner stretches out in the sleeping bag. “You want me tagging along?”

“Of course. If you want, of course.”

“I do.”

“Cool. Cool, cool, cool.”

“Cool.”

“Well,” Cameron mumbles, because there’s really nothing left to say, “goodnight.”

“‘Night, Camry.”

The light turns out. Tanner keeps looking at Cameron’s form in the darkness, but without the lamp, he can’t tell if Cameron is looking back.

Everyone wakes up late on Christmas Eve. Charlotte pads into the kitchen in a pair of slippers and her Care Bear pajama set, rubbing her tired eyes as she pours herself coffee. Cameron’s already awake and making bacon and pancakes. (No eggs, because there’s never been a Chau who could stand the taste of eggs.)

Tanner is washing dishes at the sink, the sleeves of Cameron’s sweater rolled up to his elbows. Charlotte gives him a long, hard look, like a lion inspecting its prey.

“Hey, Charlotte! Merry Christmas Eve! Did you sleep well?” Tanner’s smile is so bright that it nearly hurts Cameron’s eyes.

“Mm.” Charlotte’s looking at him like he strangled a puppy right in front of her. “You stayed the night?”

“Yeah. Hope that’s okay,” Tanner murmurs, a little uneasy. Cameron steps in.

“It was just easier this way. You ready for today, Charlie?”

“Is he wearing your sweater?”

“Um, yeah.” Cameron raises an eyebrow. “And what about it?”

“Nothing.” Charlotte wrinkles her nose. She takes a box of cereal out of the cupboard and slinks back to her bedroom. “I’ll go let Dad know that breakfast is ready.”

The minute she’s gone, Cameron immediately turns to Tanner.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into her lately—I swear she isn’t usually like this—”

“Camry, it’s fine,” Tanner says with a face that reads anything but. “I don’t mind. I’m used to stuff like this.”

“You shouldn’t have to be.” Cameron surges past him, heading for the door. “I’m gonna go talk to her.”

“Wait, Camry, stop.” He catches Cameron’s arm and pulls him around. “Please. I don’t want to get between you guys. You’re siblings. You need each other.”

“One fight isn’t gonna drive us apart, Tan, and I need to say something.”

“I know. Just…please just wait. I’m not ready. You can talk to her later, just not right now, okay?”

It’s the uneasiness in Tanner’s eyes and not the words themselves that convince Cameron to stop.

Breakfast is tense and rigid as a wire pulled taut. Charlotte doesn’t look Tanner in the eye. Mr. Chau isn’t much better.

“Hey, Camry, want me to take Ody for a walk?” Tanner puts his plate in the dishwasher and scratches the Bernese mountain dog behind his ears. “He looks like he could use a little fresh air.”

“Really? That would be great, actually. But are you sure you can handle him?”

“I’m sure. I’m a pretty sturdy guy, y’know.”

“Okay. If you’re sure.” Cameron fetches the leash from the shoerack and fastens it to Ody’s collar. He leans closer, lowering his voice just enough that no one but Tanner can hear. “I’m gonna talk to Charlie while you’re gone.”

Tanner nods, and with an open-and-shut of the door, he’s gone. As if on cue, Mr. Chau evaporates into the guest bathroom, leaving Cameron and Charlotte alone.

For approximately two minutes, he weighs the potential consequences of this interaction before he gets up the nerve to actually talk to his sister.

She must be able to sense his frustration, because she turns on the TV and pointedly pretends to not notice him hovering there.

“Hey, can I sit down?” He finally speaks up.

“It’s your house,” Charlotte points out. Cameron rolls his eyes and flops next to her on the couch, resting his elbows on his knees as he leans forward.

“Where’s Dad?”

“Taking a shower. Why? You gonna lecture him, too?”

“Char, I just want you to hear me out, okay?”

“Fine.” She crosses her arms over her chest, slumping on his couch. “What do you want?”

“I need you to try a little harder with Tanner. I mean, he’s been really nice so far, and you both are acting so cold to him. I asked you to be kind, and it feels like you’re not making any effort.”

“I’m sorry, Cam, but I don’t think he’s really changed.” Charlotte huffs. “And to be honest, I really don’t think it’s a good idea for you two to be friends.”

“Why–How can you even say that?” Cameron stammers in indignation. “Why don’t you trust him? Can’t you see how much he’s grown? Don’t you care that he’s trying?”

Typical Charlotte. She never waits for answers or confirmation. Once she makes her opinion, it’s set in stone.

“Can you blame me?” Charlotte hisses, low enough that Mr. Chau can’t hear from the other room. “Cameron, I watched you cry over that guy for months. He left you out to dry when you needed him most. He picked his status over you. Do you have any idea what it’s like to watch someone you love struggle with something like that?”

“No, but I’m the one who went through all that, Char!” Cameron springs up from his seat. “I felt everything that you saw. I’m the one who lost my only friend and my boyfriend in one day. But Tanner’s changed so much, and worked so hard to be better, that I forgave him!”

“Yeah, because he manipulated you into it!”

“He didn’t manipulate me into shit.” Cameron’s eyes are pricking with tears now, sharp and bitter like wormwood. “I forgave him because I wanted to.”

“No, you did it because you’re a fucking coward. And you’re not even gonna say it to my face.” Charlotte stares hard at her brother. “Tell me. Tell me why you wanted to forgive him. Tell me why on God’s green earth you could ever have a single speck of sympathy for that idiot—”

“Because I missed him, okay?” Cameron practically shouts it, loud enough to make Charlotte jump a little. He doesn’t notice. Doesn’t even care. He’s too caught up in this realization to focus on anything else. “I fucking missed him and I care about him and I-I think I like him, Char. I’m not over him—not even close. I want to be with him. God, I tried to hold his hand last night. I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

She raises an eyebrow with just a hint of satisfaction.

“You sound so bewildered for having just realized something that a blind person could see.”

He lowers his hands from where they’ve been clutching at his hair.

“What are you talking about?”

“Are you serious? You’ve been all over him all weekend. It literally couldn’t be more obvious that you have feelings for him.” Charlotte rolls her eyes. “I could tell from the minute I saw you two together. Of course you’re not over him.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you’re Cameron fucking Chau, and you’ve never gotten over anything in your entire life.” She groans. “It’s your most annoying trait. Why would your stupid first love be an exception?”

“I don’t know. I just…” Cameron stares at the Christmas tree. He and Tanner decorated it together. It serves as a reprimand to his better judgement just to look at it. “I’m an adult now, y’know? I thought these days were behind me. I mean, I have a master’s in English Lit from UCLA, for fuck’s sake. I’m supposed to be better than this.”

“But?”

“But now I just feel like a lovesick teenager in a body that’s too big, in an apartment that’s too small, and the person who’s just right for me is right there but I’ve been down that road. I know where it leads.”

“Yeah?” Charlotte guides him to sit down. “Where does it lead?”

“Disaster, I guess?” He cards his fingers through his hair. “It’s just, like…the last time I got close to him, it ended in total disaster. I know it’s a bad idea. It’s so stupid. But at the same time, the fact that we’ve met again after all this time has to mean something, right? Like maybe it’s meant to be?”

“‘Meant to be’ might be a bit of an exaggeration, but sure.” His sister sighs. “Look, Cam. I don’t believe in God, and I probably never will, but I do think that you and Tanner were meant to meet again. Whatever your connection is supposed to become, it’s clear that it can never fade.”

“So are you going to be nicer to Tanner from now on?”

Charlotte gives him a long look before she finally nods.

“I wasn’t making an effort before, but I promise that I will from now on. I can’t say that we’ll get along perfectly, but I’ll do my part as well as I can.”

“Thank you, Charlie.” Cameron smiles. “I’m sorry I got angry.”

“I’m the one who should be apologizing. I’ve been a total bitch, to both you and Tanner. That’s on me.” Charlotte pats her brother on the shoulder. “I’m sorry, Cam.”

“I accept your apology.”

“I’ll say it to Tanner, too.”

“It really does mean a lot to him that you like him.”

Charlotte rolls her eyes with a playful grin.

“Yeah, I bet it does.”

When Tanner returns from the walk an hour later, he wipes the snow off Odysseus’ fur and sends him bounding into the kitchen, where the Chau family is deep in a philosophical conversation on the value of getting Cane’s vs. Taco Bell for lunch. Cameron catches his incredulous smile before Tanner enters the kitchen.

“Tanner, can you break the tie?” Charlotte’s half-laughing, half-accusing as she points to her father. “Dad wants Taco Bell, but I want Cane’s, and Cameron just has to be Switzerland and say that either one is fine.”

“Oh. I mean, they both sound good.” Tanner taps his chin. “I’m kinda partial to Cane’s, though.”

“See, Dad? Told you.” She walks over to Tanner and pats him on the back on her way out of the kitchen. “I knew you’d be on my side, Tan.”

“I’ll go pick it up,” Cameron volunteers.

“I’ll come with,” Tanner immediately replies. Charlotte casts their father a knowing glance before heading toward the shoe rack.

“Why don’t we all tag along?” She suggests.

“Sounds fine with me.” Mr. Chau slips on his shoes. “I’ll drive.”

“Uh, no. I will. Don’t think for a second that I forgot about the Ticket Incident of 2019.” Cameron smirks. “How many did you and Charlotte rack up that day? Six?”

“Seven, actually.”

After lunch, the four of them argue over Monopoly for two hours before going to get ready for the concert. Cameron opts for a navy blue mockneck and black jeans, while Tanner borrows one of Cameron’s brown sweaters and blue jeans. Charlotte and Mr. Chau are both in ugly Christmas sweaters.

The venue for the event is a church halfway across town, which already sends a chill down Tanner’s spine. He’s been in far too many of these places in his lifetime, and they’re all the same: endless twisting corridors, creepy little angels on the Sunday School classroom doors, and lights that are somehow too bright and too dim at the same time.

They locate Callum in the wings of the stage and give him and the quartet an enthusiastic wave. The girl next to Callum looks like she’s about to puke, run off stage, faint, or all three in that order.

The room grows darker as the lights direct toward the stage. Tanner claps wildly for his students and smiles as the quartet strikes up their first Christmas carol.

To put it bluntly, they kind of suck. Someone’s straining for that high note, and it’s evident. Even so, they smile and nod when the eyes of their students dart towards them, though Tanner has to start bouncing his leg to keep his worries in check. It’s a tic that he picked up in college, and he’s never been able to quit it since then.

Evidently, the leg bouncing became rapid enough for Cameron to notice, because he places his palm firmly on Tanner’s knee and holds it down to prevent him from moving.

“Relax,” he murmurs to Tanner. “They’re doing fine.”

Tanner’s never felt such an unholy urge within the walls of a church before. The mass chorale number toward the end is actually quite good. Tanner takes comfort in the familiar intro to ‘White Winter Hymnal’. As the singers on stage clap their hands and snap their fingers in sync, he finds his eyes drifting away from the stage.

Instead, he’s looking at Cameron, who is transfixed on the music.

Look at me, he finds himself yelling in his head. Turn your head and look at me. Notice how insanely bad I need you so I never have to say it out loud. Just look at me and make this easy.

“That was amazing,” Cameron mumbles to Tanner once the song is over.

I want you so much, it’s not even funny.

“Yeah, it really was.”

Through the car ride home, Tanner sits shotgun, and he keeps wishing that Cameron would reach over and grab his thigh this time. The group arrives back at Cameron’s apartment by 8, which is convenient because the Home Alone marathon isn’t going to watch itself.

Cameron makes hot chocolate. Tanner drinks it. Cameron saves a seat for Tanner on the couch. Tanner sits in it. Cameron cracks a joke. Tanner laughs.

It’s easier to live when you have someone to make room for you.

They fall asleep in a similar fashion to yesterday, only this time, Cameron is the one on the floor while Tanner sleeps on the couch. They bid each other a fond ‘goodnight’ before rolling over and falling asleep.

Tanner dreams of Cameron’s hands.

·꙳⋆𖢔𖠰𖢔·꙳⋆·꙳⋆𖢔𖠰𖢔·꙳⋆·꙳⋆𖢔𖠰𖢔·꙳⋆·꙳⋆𖢔𖠰𖢔·꙳⋆

It snows on Christmas morning. Mr. Chau has the coffee pre-made and ready to go when it’s time to open presents. Cameron fetches a trash bag for the wrapping paper, and then everyone goes around in a circle.

Cameron, ever the perfect gift-giver, got a parka for his dad and a pair of Doc Martens for his sister, along with candy for them both.

Surprisingly enough, Charlotte and Mr. Chau actually did get Tanner something: a bag of Lindor chocolates, which he suspects may be a re-gift but taste delicious all the same. However, it pales in comparison to Cameron’s gift from his family.

The box is huge. Cameron unwraps it slowly, like he’s afraid he’ll damage the contents within. The minute he catches a glimpse of the box, he practically bursts into tears.

“Is this what I think it is?” He grins so widely that it must be painful. “Is this what I think it is?”

When the box is fully unwrapped, Tanner also gasps.

“Oh, my God. It’s beautiful.”

“It’s expensive,” Cameron stammers.

“It was worth it,” Mr. Chau says fondly. “You deserve it. Consider this a thank you for hosting this year.”

Cameron holds up his ‘#10354: The Shire’ LEGO set with the pride of an Olympic medalist. The set is almost as big as his entire wingspan, but Cameron is too happy to care.

“That’s so cool!” Tanner jumps to his feet and examines the box closer. “Look! It has, like, all the Hobbits and Gandalf and Bag End—”

“I know! I can’t wait to build this!” Cameron pulls his family in for a hug, still unable to stop smiling.

Tanner casts a wary glance to the orange-wrapped gift under the tree. No time like the present. He picks it up and hands it to Cameron, blushing furiously.

“It ain’t much, but I wanted to do somethin’ for you. I figured you might like this.”

“Thank you, Tan.” Cameron flushes. “Wait. I have something for you, too.”

He rushes into the other room and comes out with a tiny blue box. Tanner shouldn’t be surprised—this is Cameron, one of the most considerate people he’s ever met—but he’s still caught off guard by the gift.

“Thanks,” he muses. Is there really anything else to say?

They unwrap the gifts simultaneously. Their faces light up simultaneously. They even speak in unison, like two parts of one whole.

“Is this…”

Tanner holds up a silver pendant that hangs on a matching chain. “This is the Evenstar necklace. The one I’ve been talking about since we first saw the movie.”

“And this is the Aragorn figure I’ve had on my wishlist since two years ago.”

“How did you know what I…”

“How’d you find out about…”

They both break into laughter.

“Lucky guess?” Cameron suggests. Tanner nods.

“Put the necklace on me?”

Cameron rises and takes the clasp from him, bringing the chain around Tanner’s freckled neck. He handles the fastening with care. Tanner hopes he can’t see how Tanner’s breath hitches when the very tip of Cameron’s finger brushes his skin.

“Looks good on you,” Cameron murmurs, suddenly at a loss of breath.

“Thank you.” Tanner runs his thumb over the pendant as he turns around, allowing Cameron to see how the Evenstar rests right over his sternum. “Is silver my color?”

“Yeah, I think it is.” You look so good, I’m about to go bang my head against that wall until I stop thinking about you. “Thanks for the figure. I’ve been wanting it for a really long time, and it means a lot that you got it for me.”

“Yeah, of course. I’m really glad you like it.” Tanner blushes, and he prays that Cameron doesn’t notice. “Merry Christmas, Camry.”

Cameron smiles knowingly, like he’s aware of some secret. “Merry Christmas, Tan.”

June 1, 2014

“Shit,” Tanner pants. “I feel like I just ran a marathon.”

“Guess you finished first, then.” Cameron snickers.

“O-kay. Fuck you.” He chucks a pillow at the boy who’s currently lying supine on his bed, flushed and laughing like something’s incredibly funny. “You’re sweatin’ all over my sheets.”

“That’s not the only thing we got all over your sheets.”

“You got a real smart mouth, but you’re missin’ the ‘smart’ part.”

“Tell that to my GPA.”

Tanner just rolls his eyes. Then the rest of him rolls, too, facing Cameron on his side. He can’t help but smile. Cameron looks good on his pillows. His hair’s completely messy. Maybe Tanner’s a little to blame for pulling it nonstop.

“Did you ever think that we’d end up like this? When we first met?”

“I don’t think that thought crossed my mind when I was sitting in front of a gravestone cussing out my dead mother, but I see what you mean.” Tanner turns his head. “Does your dad ever say anything to you about us? Like, whether he approves or not?”

“My dad’s chill about it. I mean, he loves me, so he’s supportive. And I think he’s kind of relieved that there’s no way I’ll be the perpetrator of a teen pregnancy.”

“My old man would burst a blood vessel if he found out about this.”

“He would?”

“I don’t know how much time you two have spent together, but he’s not the biggest fan of you, or me, or anything in general.”

“So if he found out you’re gay, he’d be…”

“Furious.”

Cameron lifts his head, staring up at the ceiling fan. It rotates in counterclockwise motions: around and around and around, the only reminder in this pocket dimension that the world outside is still spinning. Tanner matches his gaze, watching the fan blades pirouette on the ceiling.

“I guess we better make sure he doesn’t find out, then.”

Tanner half-chuckles.

“Yeah. That might be wise.”

Eventually, it’s dinnertime. Tanner can’t spend every waking minute at Cameron’s house, no matter how much he would like to. So he hops in his truck and drives home, dreading the sight of his father’s car in the driveway.

David Jackson is waiting for him in the living room when he returns.

“You’re late.” He crosses his arms over his chest, like he’s trying to appear bigger than he is.

“Sorry, Dad. I lost track of time.”

“You seem to be doin’ that a lot lately. You’ve been spendin’ more time at Cameron’s place than you have in your own home.”

“But you’re never even home! Why do I hafta be around if there’s no one to keep me company?”

“I don’t care where you go. I’m worried ‘bout how much time you spend around that boy.”

“He’s my—” Tanner pauses. “He’s important to me, Dad. I don’t know how I’d even start to distance myself—”

“Well, you better learn, because if I catch you coming home late from his house one more time, you’re not seeing him again. Ever.”

“Dad, are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.” Mr. Jackson points down the hall. “Go to your room. I don’t wanna see you out again for the rest of the night.”

“You can’t do this.”

“Oh, yeah?”

He inches closer to Tanner, forcing his son to shrink backward at the form of his father coming closer.

He wouldn’t hit me, would he? He’s my dad. He loves me. He isn’t going to hurt me.

But the part of Tanner that’s actually committed to keeping him alive doesn’t agree, especially when David’s fist clenches at his side.

Tanner bolts to his bedroom before he can find out what happens next. He locks the door behind him, just to be safe, and runs to his bed. Then he props his desk chair in front of the door for good measure.

For a moment, he just catches his breath. He’s never run that fast for anything. It must have taken him less than two seconds to get to his room. Fight-or-flight is a powerful thing.

“I’m okay,” he mutters to himself. “I’m fine. It’s fine. He jus’ needs to cool off. Everything’ll be normal by tomorrow.”

Deep down, he knows this is a lie, but it’s one that he needs to hear.

He hides behind his bed for a few minutes, anxiously listening for the sound of footsteps. When nothing comes, he takes out his phone and calls the one person he wants to hear from right now.

The person picks up immediately.

“Hey, handsome.”

Tanner blushes.

“Hi,” he whispers. “Sorry to call so soon.”

“You don’t have to apologize for wanting to talk to me, Tan.” He can hear Cameron’s laugh over the phone. “How have you been in the fifteen minutes since we last spoke?”

“Fine.” Liar, he reprimands himself. “Just wanted to hear your voice.”

“Why’re you whispering?” Cameron chuckles. “It’s only 9. I don’t think you’re gonna wake anyone up.”

“I know. I just don’t want my dad to get mad at me.”

“What makes you think he’d be mad? He doesn’t know about us, right?” He gasps over the phone. “Oh, my God, did he find out? Tanner, I’m so sorry. Are you okay? Are you safe? You can stay at my place if you need to—”

“Camry, relax. I’m fine!”

“Are you sure?”

He has two options here. He can tell the truth and make Cameron worry himself to death, or hide what’s really going on in favor of preserving his boyfriend’s peace of mind.

Tanner chooses the latter.

“I’m sure, Camry. Everything’s fine. He’s just a little upset at me for coming home late, and he doesn’t like it when I run up the bills by talking on the phone for too long.”

“Oh. Okay. So you’re okay, then?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Promise?”

Tanner stares back at the door, the one he can’t go out of for the rest of the night if he wants to stay safe.

“I promise,” he says.

And that’s the first lie.

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