11 & 29
11. Describe your ideal day.
Ahem… my parents read my blog and I’m trying to figure out a way to say this that won’t make we want to melt into the floor with embarrassment but oh well: A day well spent with Stephen, away in some tropical paradise. A lazy morning, an afternoon at the beach, good food and music, and plenty of time under the sheets. Maybe throw a good book into the mix. Also, going back to the beach at night to sit under the stars, listen to the ocean’s power, and wonder at the vastness of the universe is an absolute must. And throughout the entire day, a mindset of gratitude, communion with God, and assurance of his love for me, secure in who he’s made me to be.
29. Three songs you connect with right now.
I Feel It Coming - The Weeknd. This song just really comforts me for some reason. I heard it for the first time on the radio the day Carrie Fisher died: I was driving home from the store, crying once again, and the notes of this song seemed to both understand and soothe me; a mixture of melancholy and reassurance, pain and joy.
That’s My Girl - Fifth Harmony. My most current fight anthem (there are many others). I sometimes play this to find motivation to get up off the couch / do what I need to do when I’m depressed and/or anxious and everything is hard. I’ll also play this occasionally after I’ve accomplished some little victory, to celebrate that accomplishment and remind myself to keep fighting.
King of My Heart - John Mark McMillan. A Christian worship song that’s really been sinking deep into my bones as of late. Among many beautiful words, it proclaims over and over to God “You are good” and “You’re never going to let me down.” The first time I heard the last sentence something in my soul squirmed (or, more accurately, bashed a hole through a wall in anger), because honestly, it feels like God has let me down, numerous times. I’ve been suffering for so long, sometimes so intensely, and often it feels like He’s not there. He doesn’t give me any easy answers in response to my “whys,” and He hasn’t taken all the suffering away. And yet. As I was curled up on a couch in a corner of my church praying, listening to voices singing out these words in another room, I felt like God helped me to see it, to know it with certainty: Ultimately, He won’t let me down. He won’t stop making things better, redeeming all the hard, healing all the suffering until everything sad comes untrue. And He is with me now, every step of the way, holding me close even when I don’t feel him. He is truly good and he will never loosen his grip on me, never stop fighting for me until all is made right and whole.
