Of all the minor characters in The Roottrees are Dead no-one fascinates me as much as Tostaritto Jacobson. She changed her name to win free Mexican food. She got caught trying to help her brother in law with a faith healing scam. She broke into a church with her sister, and that’s how said sister met her future husband, the aforementioned faith healing scammer. She’s the family’s go-to when they’re blackmailed into posting bail for a violent crocodile smuggler. She’s just such a fascinating little guy. I want to buy her a pint and listen to her stories
the roottrees are dead is so good but it's especially hilarious to me how roottreemania is like hey remember that one guy who wasn't important in the actual tree. guess what he's single handedly making you create a whole new tree
"Average Roottree man is cheating on his wife" no. Average Roottree man cheated on his wife 0 times. Infidelities Guy, who as CEO hired a dozen secretaries and spent a million dollars on "sexy parties"...
Insane Gaydar. Lesbian wife, lesbian cousin, gay great-uncles. Also assumed that any woman who didn’t want to sleep with him was a lesbian. Tried to set these women up with his wife and other sapphics in his life.
Taking trips to Europe with said lesbians to pick up women. Feeling out women for his wife to sleep with.
Slept with women from at least 5 different continents. Used his nepobaby money to throw Christmas orgies. Slept with a woman who had a fetish for redheads.
Paying over 50,000$ a month in hush money child support for his nine thousand affair children. Wasn’t cheating on his wife. Was helping any and every woman he met cheat on their husband.
Has an affair-baby son with his own AO3 tag. Has a daughter who build robots for robot fights on reality tv. Has a son conceived at a Christmas orgy with his own vegan restaurant.
Genuinely surprised when people didn’t want to have threesomes with him and his wife. Genuinely surprised when people didn’t want to have threesomes in general.
Got upset that people didn’t like him. Figured dressing like his great-grandfather would help solve this issue.
