About Frisson pt 2
--- Why did I write it?
To be completely honest, I just left my relationship of 7 years. It consumed most of my 20s. I thought it would be forever and I was also the one who ended it. It was my introduction into the kink and polyam world, and there were a lot of things I did wrong, a lot of things my partners did wrong, and a lot of growing I had to do. I made and lost friends, I added and removed lovers, I hopped from apartment to apartment, situation to situation, crisis to crisis, for years. The last decade of my life will never not be colored by that place I found myself in.
He was not abusive, or bad, or mean in anyway. He was actually just too kind to push lil ol broken me away and I struggled a lot clinging to the idea of something that would never exist. We are still friends-- he's actually my only irl friend-- and there are not many ways for me to vent my feelings without showing it off to the world at large, and people who know him. So instead, I retreated to the anonymity of fanfiction, and subjected all of you to my trauma.
Ellis's issues with obsession are my issues with obsession, Nick's inability to reconcile his divorce is my inability to release a relationship that lasted far too long, Rochelle's naivety of her meddling in other people's problems is my own nosiness showing through, Coach's staunch withdrawn attitude is my own self isolation. Ellis is a bad dom because I had bad doms, Nick makes poor decisions for his own safety because I made poor decisions in moments that felt like survival, Rochelle's chipper attitude in the face of danger is my own mask to wear, Coach's missteps in social situations is my own awkwardness. Each of them has a part of me, in their backstories, in their mannerisms, in their quirks, in their falts and in their triumphs.
When I write Frisson, I feel like I am at home. It may be a broken home, a sad home, a bittersweet home, a home haunted by the ghosts of memories, a home of friends I hurt, a home of amends I made, but nontheless, it is a home, and it is mine.
The thing is, I know how it'll end. I know how they will fix it. I know how they will come back from this. And... I know that as they work through it, I will work through it too. I will come back from this.
Together, we survive.
thank you for reading & see you next time
