#rubbishtext

[racksmaninov]

It's only the sixth day of Ramadan and wallahi I'm already seeing changes in myself. I don't feel comfortable enough to talk about some of these changes on tumblr but I digress. What I can say is that I've only had one "wave" (of deep depression). Yeah, that's the word I use. Wave. I don't care to get into it though so don't ask for clarification. 

I also feel like my life is more structured as opposed to mind twistingly chaotic. I think that has a lot to do with me actually making an effort to pray each fard salah on time. My sleep schedule isn't irregular because I'm going to sleep earlier than I usually do and waking up wayyy earlier than usual. Starting my days early feels really good idk.....

What I'm scared of though is that I'm going to lose all of this after Ramadan is over. I'm scared that my motivation is going to fade away and I'll slip back into chaotic episodes of depression day in and day out. I'm scared that I'll go back to hearing the adhan and not even flinching (astaghfirullah i know i know). I'm scared that my level of iman will plummet because there's a chance that I won't keep up this "relationship" I've built with Qur'an.

Shit...man. Shit.

[racksmaninov]

Crap, man. I really wanted to watch the CNN special on the n word but my nap ran too long. I'm always interested to hear what other Black people think of the word and who should or shouldn't be using it. If you not Black though I really don't need to hear your voice. Non-Black Muslims loooove to try and tell Black Muslims not to use it and that shit pisses me off. Like honestly who called you here? Please, pleeeease, stay in your lane. This isn't an Islamic topic. This is between Black people so salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah. Remove ya self insh'Allah. But idk. I caught the end of the special and from what I saw it was a group of Black people who don't like using the word shaming people who do. That's not cool at all. If you don't like using it, that's fine but don't comw for people who do. Don't try and play people dumb like they don't know the history behind the word. We're well aware. Now stop with that self righteous enlightened bullshit and relax ya self, nigga.

[racksmaninov]

I'm really disappointed in Tinariwen. On their Facebook they made a status/post about their would be performance in Israel for Plugfest. Despite many people discouraging them from performing at Plugfest, they still intended to go on with it and their excuses for it just aren't good enough. They said they wanted to do it because it was planned to be a "Bedouin feel resort" and that their performance would be a symbol of peace for the nomads in that area. 

What really got me was that it seemed like they were more upset about Plugfest being cancelled which resulted in them not being compensated. What I got from it was that money is more important to them than supporting Bedouins and Palestine in general by refusing to perform in Apartheid Israel. It just seemed so hypocritical to me that a group that is all about justice for Kel Tamasheq and other indigenous groups would perform in a country that is the antithesis of that.

Idk maybe I'm not qualified to feel like this. I still enjoy their music but I can't help but be disappointed in them. Was not expecting this at all.

[racksmaninov]

Now that I'm here I might as well talk about the use of the n-word among non-black PoC in my area. The people in my state are so stupid tbh. Most people are on that "It's so diverse here! We don't have racial problems" tip which is annoying af. You'll see PoC making reckless ass jokes (usually non-black ones) and nobody gives a damn. At the same time those are the same people who are ready to get up in arms when some useless white person does something racist. Even THEN most of these people have a white person in their circle who uses the n-word regularly but they don't say anything. I really don't get it.

It's to the point where I don't even confront non-black PoC about using the n-word so callously. So many people do it so it would look like I'm being irrationally upset over nothing. Most people here see me that way to begin with already. I really don't have the energy. At least not for people that I don't regularly speak with/hangout with. 

My unspoken policy for people I'm cool with is if I ask them to stop using the n-word and they ask me why and/or get upset, then they can fuck off. It's really that simple. I don't have time for faux solidarity.

[racksmaninov]

I really hate my teeth. My two front teeth aren't aligned perfectly. One is slightly in front of the other. Nobody can notice it but I can't stand it. I recently noticed that Lianne La Havas has the same thing going on with hers though. Now idgaf. (:

[racksmaninov]

Muslim niggas piss me off so much sometimes. For instance, there has been several times where a Muslim I know will use a slur and I'll tell them to cut that shit out. Their first response will be the typical "I'm just joking" or "I didn't mean it." Then they take it a step further and try to use Islam to justify their nonsense. "I didn't INTEND to offend anyone. It's all in the NIYYAH, man." .... At that point I feel like roundhouse kicking the person into a volcano.

Why is it so hard to just stop saying something offensive? Why is it so hard for people to STOP using ISLAM to justify their INTENTIONALLY CALLOUS speech. 

[racksmaninov]

I like warm weather but I hate wearing short sleeve shirts because of how skinny they are. Short sleeve shirts make me feel like everyone is staring at my arms which is ridiculous, I know. That's why I love wearing long sleeve shirts but even then I usually roll up the sleeves to a little bit past my elbows. I make no sense at all. Maybe it's my elbows that I'm super insecure about idk.

[racksmaninov]

This one nigga in my MSA stayyy getting on my nerves. He has to be one of the condescending, self-righteous people I've ever met in my life. Besides that he's always touching me when we talk (like putting his hand on my shoulder I HATE THAT SHIT) and calling me habibi. Nigga I will kill you if you touch me again and don't call me anything outside of Elijah, Eli or Ilyas. Aaaaanywhooo.

At the last meeting a librarian came in to talk to us about a nationwide program that is centered around books and documentaries about Islam. Our library got chosen as a participant and they wanted to get the MSA involved. I can't remember all of the books off the top of my head, but they're pretty good selections. Then there's documentaries like Koran By Heart (TF DID THEY SPELL IT LIKE THAT THOUGH?) which I've seen and personally love.

Anyway back to the librarian. So why did this nigga interrrupt her speech SEVERAL times to say stuff like "I wouldn't suggest that we go on with this. The only way to gain knowledge about Islam is through scholars." NIGGA SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET THE LADY SPEAK. He's aaaalways talking about scholars this scholars that. Boy byeeee.

Now he's against us sponsoring the viewing of Koran By Heart (which is about an international tajweed competition) because "Qur'an shouldn't be used in competition and the Qur'an says soothsaying is haram" .....What the fuck has soothsaying to do with a tajweed competition? 

I'm sick and tired of this lil nigga. It's a miracle that I haven't blown up on his ass yet.