Fashionable
Here’s some of my ramblings that I call writing. I write because it helps me collect my thoughts. My mind is always going, always thinking, and it can be very exhausting. So, I write. “...we both know, that its not fashionable for you to love me.” --Lana Del Rey I've only been able to actually ever really see myself with a few people. I've actually got a list of males that I personally know I would be alright with marrying. Are they people I see myself being romantic with? Not necessarily. They're people who I know who actually cared about me. J: this man will bend over backwards for me. He is very kind, sees the best in me, has taken the time to actually keep me in his life. If anything, I'm impressed he hasn't yelled at me for all my crazy. K: He was my first time experiencing actual sunshine in a human. His soul is tender, his exterior is strong. He's young, fun, & has so much going for him. Also knows how to be a great friend. CJ: The only male from my college experience I could ever see myself with. I actually had a dream about him. I was inside an old building, down in the basement. Everyone was getting dressed nice, for a wedding. I could feel how upset I was because my dress was pink when it was supposed to be blue. I kept saying 'I can work with this'. Then at one point I drop a box of bobby pins and start crying. I keep saying, 'if she were here this wouldn't be happening.' I could feel how much I miss her and how I so wanted her to be there to help me get ready for this big day. Then in walks CJ...he came over to me and held me, his smile was warm. He told me that, 'don't worry. Everything is going to be great. I promise. And we're going to new york!' Then I woke up. So random, but I know that the warmth of his smile was true. He would fight anyone for me. Hell, he almost drove 8 hrs to just go to a wedding with me. CH: my dear, sweet, old friend. I can say that I really did love him for five years. It wasn't something that happened suddenly, but more of a moment when I realized I had been in love with him this whole time. Summer 2014. PS was on tour and I of course tagged along. We were a family, at least I saw them as my family. I kept begging him to let Harlow and I to come over to his cabin house (my dream house) so we could have a picnic and pie of course. Later on that summer he let us do just that. It was lovely. In this moment I can smell the sweet summer air and hear the crickets down by the river. He had made us dinner and we ate pie and listened to our indie unknown music. On the drive home I told Harlow that I was in love with him, she said, 'I know. You've been in love with him for a long time.' I cried the whole rest of the way home. I cried because I knew deep down inside that it would never happen, not because I didn't want it to or vice versa, but because I just knew. Did that stop me from loving him all these years? Never. It only ever made me hope that I would be with someone just as great as him. He set the standard. On April 12, 2017 the love changed. I gave in to the fact that the love that I had towards him had changed. I gave in to that fact that I knew we weren't going to be together. It was as if we grew out of each other but we still knew that we've got each other when one of us falls down. We became each others family. E: I never saw this coming. He was a hyper speed hurricane that I loved in a moment. I never thought I would love someone so fast, so hard, so much. We saw ourselves doing all of life together. We loved our passion. We were wild souls, wanting one of us to ground the other, but instead we just grew worried about each other. After our 3rd date, that happened to be an all day event of us running away to the desert, I had a dream about us. It was a warm summer day, we were walking down the street (it felt like Encinitas), I was wearing a long tight striped dress & he was wearing a short sleeve collared shirt with shorts, us loving the summer. At one point he says 'stop right there. I need to take your picture.' with his sweet smiling face. I see myself standing there, face towards the sun. I had never had a dream like this before. as we go more into our relationship we started getting so deep so fast. I was terrified, scared he was going to just change his mind at the blink of an eye. But I didn't say anything because I thought it was just me. I didn't want him to know I was afraid. He hadn't done anything wrong and I didn't want him to think that he did. But little did I know, he was just as afraid as I was. I look back now and I wish we would have talked about our fears just as much as we talked about our hopes. I had another dream of us, walking down the street, hand in hand, in San Francisco. We were so happy. I told him about that dream and we both said how much we wished that were a reality. Why did I love him, and so quickly too? I loved him because he was fearless, feisty, and filled with more fire than me. But what happens with most peoples fire? It burns out. Fear and doubts crept in and took his fire. Reading all this, writing all this, learning all this, growing through all of this makes a person wonder. I wonder what did I do wrong and how could I have fixed what ever the issue was. I wonder why they never said anything. I wonder if the day will come when someone is bold enough to ever really take me on. I, myself, am a challenge that will never be conquered, but instead I rather just be accepted. I'm not easy to be with, I know that. Something that anyone who is close to me always tells me is that, “they so&so wasn't good enough for you.” That “I was too good for them.” I despise that saying, because at the rate that I'm at I'm too good for anyone and that makes me feel less human. Honestly, no one is good enough for anyone. We're all lacking, we're all needing to grow, we're all changing all the time. The issue is that most of us are too afraid to admit any of that to our partner. I want to be in a healthy relationship that knows that there are going to be challenges and are willing and wanting to work though them...together. Right now, in this moment, I think I'm in the process of getting over E. For some reason this one is hard. I think as I get older failed relationships hurt just a little bit more than the last. Why is that? Is it because I feel like I have this annoying ticking clock going off in the background of my mind, telling me that there isn't much time left for you to have a family? Or is it because I think that I'm just too old for this sort of bullshit. Maybe its a bit of both. I do know that getting to know a new person is honestly exhausting when it comes to these sorts of relationships. Parts of my heart miss him terribly and the other part wishes it wouldn't. I miss what we were and what we could have been. It was exciting to be excited about life with someone. So, maybe we both just fell in love with the idea of what we could have been. But isn't that what being in love is all about? Being in love with the ideas of what you and another person could be in the future, living in the here and now and chasing the future together? This is why I was choosing to be single for so long.
This is what I do know.
I need to be with someone who loves me & all my quirks. Who will love how much I love the things around me. How I can be awkwardly silent in a car. I need to be physically attracted to them & that they are to me as well. Who is spiritual and doesn't question everything I say when I'm talking about God. Who loves people like I love people. Will be willing to do crazy things for God. Is steady, reliable, not a pushover, a lover, a giver, a helper. Laughs easy. Loves to sit anywhere with me. Isn't embarrassed of me. Someone who is brave enough to actually know me. Who won't give up on me, leave me, drop me, someone who won't runaway. I'm ready for a real person, who really wants to be all in...just like me.