Driving etiquette - Part 1.
Driving a vehicle is not difficult. It's not a trick question, and it certainly is not something that requires much thought at all. There must be some sort of process that happens in the womb that either gives a fetus the "common sense" gene or doesn't. That HAS to be the only explanation to the severity of some people's stupidity while on the road (and maybe even just in life in general). So, for those who may be suffering the "i-cannot-fucking-drive-for-the-life-of-me-and-I-pretend-that-I-can" illness, please read this. Please.
The reason that vehicles are equipped with that little lever by your steering wheel, is not so you can tap it with your fingernail while your favorite song is playing on the radio. In fact, it's there because when you push it up or down, two little yellow lights in the back of your car start blinking so people around you know when you are about to switch lanes, turn, or pull out of a space. It's very simple. Clicking this lever with your finger requires about half of a single second-- AND! the cool thing is, once you've maneuvered your vehicle to turn in the direction you'd like, the signal lever magically un-clicks itself!
While we're on this point, I should mention that if you are driving in the oncoming traffic to someone who is waiting for you to pass… If you know you're going to be turning before you pass that vehicle, for fucks sake, signal.
If you look around while you're driving, you'll notice metal signs that are usually black and white, attached to a pole with huge numbers on it with the words "SPEED LIMIT" above the number. This topic goes a few different ways. I'll start with the one that pisses me off the most.
Tail-gaiting. In no way am I a speed limit nazi. 95% of the time I will never be going the exact speed that is written on that metal sign. For one, it's really fucking hard to do that when you've got RLS (restless leg syndrome), and two, I'd probably end up getting in an accident from checking my speedometer every second. So yes, I admit to usually driving 5-10mph over legal speed limit (unless I'm in a school zone or something). With that said, if we are on a road that has a speed limit of 55mph, chances are I will be driving anywhere from 55mph-65mph. If I am going 65mph, almost pushing 70mph, do NOT think that getting pedal happy and driving really close to my extra luxurious 1997 Honda Civic is going to scare me. Most of the time, that just makes whoever you're tail-gaiting drive slower. Just don't do it. BUT! If we are in this 55mph zone and I am going anywhere from 54mph and under, feel absolutely free to tail-gate the shit out of me. Now, I need to address this section of this point to the drivers who feel the need to drive almost 10 to sometimes 30 mph under the posted speed limit. Not only are you holding me up when I've had 3 cups of coffee and am in desperate need of a bladder emptying, but you're putting yourself and everyone else at harm. Why? Because occasionally there's going to be that idiot who wants to attempt to write down parts of lyrics they hear on the radio on their phone notepad so they can find the song later, while they're driving (I am not guilty of this at all………….), and if they're already pushing 55mph, and they don't see that everyone else is only going 30mph because your ass is driving really slow, believe it or not… That idiot who isn't paying attention WILL drive straight into the car in the back of the caboose, and it WILL cause a chain reaction with all the cars in front of them, and there is a chance someone WILL die. And the worst part is, because you're at the front, creating this sort of human centipede traffic jam, you're probably going to walk away from it unscratched. If you see that you just created this major accident, please do us all a favor and drive into a wall.
3. Merging onto the freeway
Do. Not. Fucking. Stop. At. A. Freeway. Entrance. And. Wait. For. A. Gap. Between. Cars. To. Merge. Onto. The. Freeway. IT IS NOT A STOP LIGHT. IT IS NOT A STOP SIGN. When you merge onto the freeway, you actually want to accelerate to get your car to a good enough speed that you can get onto the highway before the car in that merging lane passes, or you can be at a speed where you can merge right as they pass. There is no reason on this fucking earth to be at a complete stop, unless you want to die and kill people while you're at it.
Well, when you see this sign while at a stop light… It means to not move your vehicle while the light is red. It's a really simple rule. You can go if it's green, and you can even go if it's yellow for all I care. But once that shit is red, you better keep that ass right where you are. Oh! And if I'm at the front of the lane, do NOT honk at me to go. Use your eyes, and use your brain. I'm not going to break road laws because you want to get to point B and not wait the extra 5 minutes.
The one rule of parking is that you are allowed ONE parking space per vehicle. You park in between the white or yellow lines that are painted on the ground. You get one line to the left, and one to the right. Doesn't matter if you own a piece of shit car like mine or a Mercedes. One parking space. ONE. There is no reason that you should feel the need to take two parking spaces so that no one scratches your car, and there is definitely no reason to take up 4 parking spaces because you think your posh soccer mom SUV is so large that it needs all of that room. This is how you get your car vandalized. And if that's what you want, then you just keep doin' what you're doin', Yvonne.