#ruta posts

[critterchitters-closedcaptions]

I Love Systemposting :]

considering making a side blog specifically for all our system specific bullshittery since theres a lot that goes down here like all the time ever and i love talking about our us #ourus

[critterchitterblogging]

ok. hi. im ruta

ill make an intro post here later, but rn its almost midnight and im thinking about home and im really homesick aughhhhh </3

so. ok, background here. i come from (what we've been calling) the main system - just gonna call it CCs for the forseeable future, until i get back home and can talk to my boss about it

but we discovered that we have a side system - Outglut - here recently by me and a couple other sysmates just. fucking ending up here for no known reason? we dont know how and we dont know why, all we know is that Pocky, Signless, Iggy, and I are all stuck here for god knows how long. Originally it was pocky, sil, and Alder, but at some point alder and ig swapped places and we still dont know how or why

anyway

being stuck here has made me realize just how important my system is to me. i love exploring outglut and meeting new people, dont get me wrong, but god. i miss atoll, i miss rosei, i miss donovan and alex and ambrose and bodie and arlo and adam and simon and zee and pat and just. fucking Everyone, i miss everyone. i even miss KX (one of our most prominent persecutors whom i have... issues with)

i want to go home and lay in my own bed or curl up in my closet again. i want to hang out in our functional basement with pocky and ghb and fibsh and alphys, i want to hang out while signless and toriel teach our syskids about things, i want to argue with lemon again, i want to see KX with his cat, i want to see alex and donovan bicker over stupid things in that "couple who loves each other an almost rediculous amount" way, i want to see arlo climbing the tree in our back yard and bodie making fun of him when he cant get back down. i want to go to the park and feed the fish in the pond with rosyer, i want to talk to dream again and listen to him tell me about his adventures with sapnap and george, i want to have dinner with techno and his family again. i miss baby astrea. shes gotten so big last time i saw her, shes growing up so fast. her and teddy both. i want to hang out with rosei and build our friendship even though i fucked up really bad in the past and hurt him, i want to fix things with him and be able to be an actual friend to him. i want to explore the backrooms layer with masky and brian and toby again. i want to get fucking jumpscared by the talking car, Baby, again lmao

i miss home. i want to go home, and im trying really really hard to be strong, but. god, i miss home. i miss my family.

i miss fronting with atoll and singing with him til our voice hurts. i miss watching simon learn to cook in front. i miss cub shoving me out of front and taking over because ive been frontkeeping for too long without a break. i miss [my boss] scolding me for snooping on people when i really probably shouldnt.

i miss home. i miss everyone. it's only been a month but it feels like forever

idk when ill get to go back, but i hope its soon

[critterkinnies]

in a huge bobcat kinshift at work today which is really funny to me

^ this thang is selling you a vape. enjoy :]

[whispersoftherose]

just rambling

i swap so wildly between loving my parents and fucking hating them its insane

i thought about spending time with them the other day, my brain went "scar hates you actually and wants to spend time with his partner alone and all you do is get in the way" (there is no basis for this, he's been nothing but absolutely sweet to me and hasn't ever said anything that'd imply he wants me gone) and i went "well. fuck." and just felt an all-consuming hatred for something he didn't even do. for something he *wouldnt* do, and i hated his guts and put mom on a pedestal for like 3 days straight

and then i woke up today and went 🥺 about the mere thought of him so i guess im back to normal

but like. why the fuck am i built like this

he didnt do anything wrong and im over here wishing id never met him????????? cause he *Might* tell me to fuck off???? all because of an intrusive thought??????

bpd is fucking insane dude. im glad im back to normal but wtf was that about

[whispersoftherose]

hi sorry to keep using rosei's blog to unabashedly ventpost. it Will happen again. unforch i am also afflicted by mental illnesses

am i ever gona be a favorite? will i ever be a priority? being a priority is unhealthy for everyone involved im sure, but that doesnt stop me from desiring it.

i want to be the favorite, i want to be thought about, i want to be asked about.

im tired and i just want to curl up in my closet til the sun absorbs us all. cant be anyones least favorite if no one even knows about me, right?

i was watching front today - not as a job anymore, but just as a co fronter - and someone said ros is their favorite kid in our system. i cant blame them for that, we love rosyer, hes amazing and we really do love him too.

one of our admins said rosyer and i (little mode) tie in their opinion.

the response was "you only say that cause youre [me]"

am i the only one whod ever say im a favorite? am i the only one who thinks im worth loving?

im so fucking tired and i wish i never met anyone but my parents lmao

idk that. made me Mc Spiral cause im so awesome and cool and totally not a selfish fucking prick who cant stand Not being the center of attention lmao

idk. maybe theyre right. the same group of people said im too needy and all but outright said im not worth the effort.

ive been a frontkeeper - probably our systems most important job - for YEARS, and yet im not even worth looking at? fucking acknowledging?

i got fucking demoted from my position so now im just. some regular Guy now so im not around as much anymore, but i still like to try to keep an eye up here cause i like knowing whats going on

but maybe i.should stop. im tired.

no ones asked about me since i got demoted, no ones checked in on me except the admin that demoted me and ive just.

am i forgettable? or worse — did people want me gone in the first place?

is there anywhere i belong?

is paleo checking in on me out of care or out of obligation?

idk.

i know its irrational, they love me, but at this point im questioning even if my parents still love me. not cause of anything they did, but because of everything else happening.

"oh we love you, but we'll never say it to you (or about you) unless you beg, and you'll never be a favorite even when youre vulnerable and desperate" feels like its such a common thing happening to me. i know i need to love myself first, but its really fucking hard when people are all but saying they fucking hate me

i dont even know if my parents have said they love me unprompted. im sure they have, but can i even trust myself when im so fucking desperate for validation id let myself die for it?

im the guy who wishes to be a ghost so i can watch people grieve me and see if i was really loved or not. is my viewpoint here even worth anything at all?

what am i doing wrong. what the fuck am i doing wrong?? what have we been doing wrong our whole life to constantly be ignored or cast asside and has it always been my fault?

i kind of wish id never felt loved by anyone in the first place so maybe itd hurt a little less when im *not* loved by the people who say i am.

i feel kind of betrayed, i feel sick, and i just want to curl up and stop existing for a while, but im such a fucking attention whore i cant even do that.

i feel like crywank's leech boy lmao

the wholr tomorrow is nearly yesterday and every day is stupid album is really good and. unfortunately feels relatable a lot of the time lmao.

im not a good person, but i want to be loved without having to earn it.

i want to know how to earn it so i can at least try.

i want to know what im doing wrong ann di just want to be held. everytbing hurts.

everythings been running so kuch better since i was demoted lmfao. maybe i really am just the problem every time

im so fucking tired.

[whispersoftherose]

burs said i coild use this for bpdposting cuz im splitting and im splitting HARD so. yahoo yipee wahoo hooray yay

[whispersoftherose]

im kylarposting here bc rosei's lover is like. kylar fictive sort of. so hell kylarpost here eventually too lmao

(also im pretty sure our kylar will post here if he ever finds someone he obsesses over lol, the wil's said thats allowed as long as it fits the general theme they have going on. which kylar does fit)

- Ruta 💜