#ryemblings

[localrye]

@verbum-mali left the tags open, I love Tumblr tag games but barely ever get tagged in any so I'm tagging myself lmao

Favorite color: everyone knows this but dark green, guess dark emerald green and phthalo green are my favourite shades (tho I love all greens except neon green) and brown, I like any shade but the dark ones with a red tint or the greyish ones are especially nice I also like dark orange, mustard yellow, tumeric and warm gold

Last song I listened to: would you believe it was Emi - Anima Libera (Strong Extended) By the end of December I got through an old CD I found last summer when I was organising my old memories/souvenirs boxes (I have a box of stuff from each chapter of my life) and the CD contains all the music I was obsessed with when I was like 9 years old. My older brother raised me on eurodance and trance (he still very actively listens to electronic music, seems like there is some trance revival?), so it's pretty much exclusively that. The version I had burnt on that CD was Provenzano DJ's remix. And when I heard that song I was hit with such a strong wave of nostalgia, I loved this track so fucking much as a child and now I can't stop listening to it again (though now the og version from 2004, you bet I will be hunting that vinyl down from now on lmao), it makes me feel so good and safe! I feel like I'm taken back to the times when I was a kid and my brother was a teenager/young adult and he was playing me trance and eurodance tracks, happy that his little brother enjoys it as much as he does! So I guess you could say my hyperfixation from almost 20 years ago is back lmao (also tried to find who Emi is because I adore the tone of his voice so much and he is listed as the vocalist on the vinyl's label, Discogs says it's Emiliano Gabrielli but there is no further info on that and people incorrectly merged him with other Emis so I guess I won't be able to find him. I swear non-autistic and non-ocd people shouldn't be allowed to edit Discogs databases >:c /j /j /j lmao)

Currently reading: The Sensory Herbal Handbook, I got it as my Yule gift! Just starting tho

Currently watching: I'm not really a shows guy, I watch maybe two a year. But I watch a lot of films; the last one was the new Knives Out (greatly enjoyed it, love this series) and the next one I'm planning to watch is Perfect Days by Wim Wenders, once I'm done with all the tasks I have to do in the upcoming days

Currently craving: not having so many tasks to do and feeling like there's a hundred knives trap hanging above me at any moment! but also, idk, vegan Hefezopf with Biscoff spread?

I know everyone did this tag dozens of times, but the answers may change every time, so if any of you want to do this now, I'm tagging: @stillforests, @theterrornoise, @phantompool, @ribbonflies, @lakegriffy

[localrye]

I had a system to how I run my blog but my life got so incredibly fucked within the last month that I won't be able to go back to that for now. But I definitely don't want to abandon this blog so guess I'll just have to get used to popping in every now and then and reblogging/posting more chaotically, to not put pressure on myself over such meaningless things as a post order and quantity (I'm just this type of autistic). We'll see how it goes, since changing things like that is very hard for me.

[localrye]

I'm the birthday boy today!!!

[localrye]

hey idk if anyone will be able to tell me and I don't even know how many of my mutuals actually see my posts but Does anyone know what happened to theterrornoise and why he deactivated? Did he go somewhere else? I was pretty much away from tumblr for quite a long time and earlier this month I noticed his account is gone and it made me sad, he was my beloved mutual and I was planning to talk to him more (my life just went sideways and never had time to get back to him). I follow his band on instagram so it won't be an issue for me to contact him again but does anyone know why he's gone from tumblr and if he maybe made a post about it or something?

[localrye]

I think I was at the best hardcore show I've ever been to over the weekend. For the first time in my life I've felt semi-included, people talked to me and some even asked for my name, I wasn't scared to be loud and silly in public, my friend made me feel very cared for (he always does, he's a sweetheart and he's probably one of like. 3 people who understand and accept my Big Autism™) and he had a cute circuit bent camera and I recorded bands for him and the effects are insane this shit is so cool! And I chatted with the vocalist of a band I love and she was so nice! And I was doing my best not to stare at a guy from that band that I have a huge embarrassing crush on since a few months lmao And then we stayed over at a local squat and the building was so beautiful. I genuinely had a good time, I wasn't even feeling bad mentally on the train as I often do after such events.

It's been 3 years since I first started going to hardcore shows and other events on my own (that's how I made this friend who now often goes with me!) and I think I'm really making a slow but steady progress at socialising. I feel very late to this all, most people I meet are in their early 20s, but I try to not beat myself up over not starting earlier. Leaving aside that most of my early 20s happened during pandemic, I only now start to realise how much my teenage trauma (being bullied for "weird behaviours" meaning autism, adhd and tics) fucked me up and how many years I actually needed to be ready to "go outside". And I very clearly can trace my current behaviour around people to the stuff that was happening to me when I was a teenager and I am scared of every interaction but it's nice to get proofs that even though I'm awkward and always feel like I'm floating around the groups of people in my tiny alien ship and often stay silent, they generally like me and find me funny and aren't mean to me. Maybe some day my dream of having more close friends can come true (currently it's only my best friend, but we've been friends for 20 years so we had a lot of time to get so close). I feel like if I keep showing up, some other people will eventually like me enough to want to get closer. I'm also steadily getting closer with the friend I mentioned before, I really feel like we care about each other a lot after 3 years of friendship. In fact, he's visiting me later this month to go to another hardcore show, this time at my local punk cellar! What I also enjoy is that most of the people I meet is queer in some way, I guess we always just flock together even if it's unintentional. Sometimes I still feel hopeless about making friends of course, but genuinely when I look at my progress in the past 3 years and compare it to the time before I was 25, I did so much work!

[localrye]

I'M SEEING THE POGUES IN BERLIN IN NOVEMBER 🎉🎉🎉

[localrye]

my arm issues got so bad that it stopped getting better with rest (it was never healing to full functionality but I could still use the computer and write with a pen for like 10 minutes at a time) so I'm taking a longer break, I may post a little bit in March but I'll try to limit my mouse and keyboard usage for some time. I was supposed to see orthopaedist in December but had to cancel coz I got a flu and now I'm trying to get an appointment for March. I need a proper diagnosis even if the exams will be costly, can't have more guess-based physiotherapy. I really need some form of imaging and a doctor to tell me what's exactly fucked, so I can have a targeted physiotherapy and possibly some other types of treatment, not only some general shoulder exercises. I really hope I can get back to work within a year; don't even mean it in a money-making sense coz I'm disabled with multiple neurodevelopmental disorders either way and will never be fully independent, but I just want to feel like myself again and feel useful and fulfilled. Right now I even struggle with holding a toothbrush.

[localrye]

On Monday I saw the northern lights for the first time in my life. It had been a dream of mine since forever! Can't believe it finally happened, it was so beautiful, like glowing clouds turning on and off and it was all red and green!!! I love being an animal on Earth!!!!!!!!! I will never stop thinking about it!!!