CJ
I hate this. I did everything for us I tried so hard. I know I wasn’t perfect but neither were you. Consistently lying to me never trusting you cause I didn’t know what was the truth and what wasn’t. Extreme jealousy because of that. I didn’t trust you ever with my heart. I believed you and still do when you say we will be together forever and that we’re each other’s person. Cause I feel it too.
I know it’s not meant to be now because your trying to better your self and it’s not fair to me to be part of that journey cause you’re going to end up hurting me and it will. But you’re spineless you keep distracting your self with everyone else and aren’t dealing with your shit. And that’s not fair to me cause that means we won’t be together for longer. But I need to get over you, I can’t have the thought we will be back together in my mind anymore. I can’t. It’s killing me and I keep putting you down cause you’re choosing to do this to me at this point of time. It’s evil.
You could of waited a couple months but no right after my rabbit died in my hands you choose to leave me. That’s not fucking fair. Where were you when I needed you? You didn’t answer cause you were too busy hanging out with your friends. It’s always them first now. I literally just called you balling my eyes out and you didn’t reserve your time for me anymore and told me I had to go.
And that I keep pushing you away cause I keep talking about us but I can’t talk to anyone else because they keep judging me and it’s toxic. Since you left I felt so alone. You were my everything my best friend and now your gone. My entire life has shifted in a negative way and I don’t know how to cope with it. So I push you away. Maybe it’s cause I don’t want the thought of us being together anymore cause I can’t handle it. I feel like I’m just waiting around on you and it’s going to take forever and it might not even be something you want.
I’m just flusterated and upset about it. I think I need to let go, it was a good two years but I deserve better who knows if this is going to keep happening to me. It’s toxic for me and my mental health and I know it. It’s just hard cause I know that’s not the truth.
And I can’t even fucking distract my self cause it’s quarantine and I can’t do or go anywhere. I feel like I’m just sitting here in pain all the time and I don’t know how to deal With it. I know it’s not going to be gone for a long time but I really need to be. I need to find someone new. I’m still and very much in love with you but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. I need to let go. This is goodbye. You’re no longer my everything, I’m not crazy about you anymore. I can live this life with out you. My heart is no longer yours. Fuck you. Goodbye.