#sad shit?

[qprconcepts]

qpp that “getting to love you has been the greatest honor of my life” x qpp that “no no no, please do not say it like your life means nothing without me”

[your-iron-lung]

im not really good with uh emotional shit and i dont really like sharing stuff about my personal life but i need to explain why i havent been updating any writing recently

to put it curtly: my dog is dying 

i guess thats kinda like, tame or whatever, but this dog means the world to me. if you read my one piece fic ‘mixed up’, i drew inspiration for zoros dog from mine.

we lived alone together in a secluded, tiny ass mountain town where it was just me and my dog and i got so depressed living there that i just thought about killing myself every day, and i probably would have if it werent for him. he continuously gave me a reason to get up and keep going even if i wanted to die so badly id think about driving off a mountain ridge to do it and now hes dying

hes only 10. i think thats kind of young. he had a senior exam about half a year ago and everything came back fine. but about a month or two ago he started acting kinda weird and was losing a lot of weight so i brought him into the vet and of course

of course it was the worst thing it could possibly be. why wouldnt it?

some kind of cancer. fast growing. already in the shape of a large tumor. in a location totally inoperable

the vet told me all that with tears in her eyes and i just

im losing it haha

she assured me he wasnt in any pain but that there was nothing she could do. nothing anyone could do. kept repeating the words ‘large’ and ‘fast growing’. said shes never seen anything like it before. out of nowhere. caught so early but still so completely untreatable. estimated he had a few months to a year left to live

today i took him to an oncologist out of desperation. just to know. just to see if theres fucking anything to be done and all i found out was that there was a second tumor. big. fast growing like the first one. killing him faster

the doctor today gave us a few weeks. said we could try radiation but it would never get rid of the cancer. repeated what the first vet said: inoperable. radiation would bee too much. thousands upon thousands of dollars for something that had a chance of ruining his insides anyway. wouldnt even be able to start radiation therapy until october anyway. wait and see they said. just wait and see

ive been so so miserable. so depressed. i havent been able to do anything. im watching the dog i attribute to saving my life wither away before my eyes and i cant do anything

im so fucking miserable. im sorry. i just havent been able to do anything

ive had dogs all my life. i know their passing is a part of life. ive laid to rest other family pets that ive loved dearly but none like this. none that have meant so much to me. i love floyd so much and to just not be able to do anything but watch and wait to make that decision to help him go is too much. its just all too much right now. im in a really bad state of mind these days. everything in my brain feels foggy and murky and im just so tired all the time

im very sorry. i dont know when updates will come. im sorry

[spaceyartist]

MY CHILD IS SAD

[realistic-optimist-blog1]

-pretend there's a read more- I'm really sad for no reason today and I'm really tired and I don't know I have this feeling of idek how to explain it, like i shouldn't be here? Idk. Anyways good morning :)