State of the Unions: The Unions are down
Social relationships are incredibly hasty this semester. I'm not sure what to think. An online friend said something to me not so long ago, she said "Honestly, you have a pretty face but you're the kind of guy who would appeal more to high school girls as opposed to college women". That comment hit me in the face like a fucking knockout punch. It was the realest fucking thing I had read all year. It hurt honestly. But it was so true. Now, here's a disclaimer for those who have read thus far, I do care about appealing to college women. This does not translate to being some sort of attempt to cheat on Jemarie. Being attractive is my crutch. Especially in times like these where nobody knows you and all people have to base off you are what you look like and how you carry yourself across campus. I haven't been approached once by anyone all year. Male or female. College is so weird in that sense because extra curriculars and common interests are really how you get to know people. In some sort of twisted fucked up mentality, I've been craving to download Tindr. Simply because I want to socialize. I love Jemarie, shes my beautiful, crisp gust of breeze and she is the one for me but she can't be my only friend. Now, if history says anything, I tend to get along more with girls. They tend to understand me more and be more calm as opposed to guys. But I still have guy friends too, I'm just more selective with them in that regard. I have my Stateside friends but theyre all in their 20's. Except Chun, he's the guy whom I have kind of high hopes for. I hope that he exposes me to new things. He's a party guy from Washington who came here due to military relocation. He knows how to party, he goes to festivals and hes a dope bboy. I want to be really cool with him because he's the opposite of me but we share one thing in common and I feel like thats enough to keep us friends. Also, I do have Sam. But the thing about hanging out with Sam is that its so out of my way. He lives in downtown and we always have to hang there and eat or go to the movies and I don't have the funds to do that so often. We tried just doing nothing one time and it didn't seem fitting to the kind of friendship that we have. Honest to god, I miss Nicole so much. It hurts. I'm so alone here, it fucks with me. I talk to myself more often than I'd like to admit. I have dreams about being in social scenarios. I get upset about being alone and take it out on Jemarie and its so shameful of me to do that. I am so sorry. I apologized of course, but I wish I could do something about all of this. I wish I was still at Kearny. Most importantly, I wish I was surrounded by my friends again.
My family life has been pretty deranged lately as well. Issues regarding my mom and dad have risen up (again) and its become really serious. Not willing to go into detail on a public level because I need that privacy but if anything that has been mentioned changes.. things could go from bad to worse. Thank you for bearing with me up to this point, if you have read this all I sincerely want you to send me an ask because its like a mutual agreement. Its like I vented to you and you reply and then I get to thank you ok. Have a great holiday season and happy new years :-)