sorry i am always bitching and moaning here, i can never consistently journal and i don’t like talking about my problems in other places. anyway, i wanted to talk about how kind of dehumanizing it feels when there is something wrong with you that nobody seems to know what to do with, even when they try their damn hardest to help! like, i had to meet with someone recently for a stupid embarassing reason, and they offered me all kinds of advice and solutions and it was perfectly good but i have just heard it all before. so so many times. i have tried it all, and it either makes it worse or does nothing, you know? it gets to the point where i just feel like an asshole for telling the truth (that i’ve tried and it doesn’t work,) and the other person feels bad about that, or kind of sorry for me, and i feel bad about that, and everything sucks. i appreciate when people care about me but when nothing works it just makes me feel beyond help, or like i’m not doing being alive right. there is already something about life that most people seem to get, like being happy to meet friends or go out, and the fact that i can’t even use the same methods to get there feels so dumb and helpless. bluh i don’t know if i’m saying this right! it was more eloquent in my head. it does not really help, either, that i don’t really feel stuff properly, so it’s all kind of apathy or frustration or guilt. i know i have some kind of emotion writing this out, but it is like my brain keeps it under a hat and won’t show it to me and i kind of just feel physically tired. i only properly get sad when i talk about it out loud to someone, and i don’t do that, except with my therapist, sometimes, who i keep forgetting to schedule a meeting with, fuck. but that’s embarrassing too. and i feel so guilty for making her listen to me even though it is kind of her job. it just feels like, wrong. i don’t know what would feel right!! any time anybody offers stuff like that it feels like pity. and i hate when people feel sorry for me or pity me, because i am actually kind of an emotionally and mentally tough guy, and it matters a lot to me that i seem successful and that i make people proud of me, and don’t disappoint them. i am just really worn down and burnt out from trying really hard for 19 years. i have neglected my own health and wellbeing for a really long time, and now that i am finally in college and i still have to sacrifice myself to get anywhere, i feel demotivated. also, i think i am just bad at realizing people actually care. blah blah blah stuff i’ve wanted to talk about with feeling more distant in relationships than i should, whatever. maybe i’ll keep writing stuff down here it’s probably good for me. but it’s embarrassing. but whatever i can just delete the blog someday if i want. shrugs. ummm yeah. hopefully stuff gets better, i am so so tired of trying not to drown in who knows what every day. and looking like a lazy piece of shit from every one else’s point of view! sometimes i worry my friends see me as selfish. i try so hard not to be selfish. okay damn, too serious, if you are reading this imagine a funny looking bird. i am an optimist at heart, that is one thing i will never let anybody take from me, and i really do believe things will get better. i try to be happy most of the time. good things happen to me still, and i like life even if i am bad at it. i think i can get better.
edit because a thing just dawned on me and i don’t want to forget it: the suckiest part is having to always sacrifice something for no reason? like whether it be my sleep or eating or time with friends or hobbies or work for one class or another or my job, i can never seem to juggle everything, and i am always letting someone down and feeling guilty about it. or if i’m not letting anyone down, i am hurting myself, and i keep forgetting to realize that that is bad too, actually, and does in fact have consequences! man. i wish i could trust people easier. i have a lot of wonderful friends in my life, and maybe if i actually realized that, and leaned on them a little, just once, it would help. and they would probably be glad to help. but i would feel so so sick and selfish and bad about it and i’d worry that i haven’t been as good to them. blehhhhh. i think this post has gotten away from me.
