#sam mems

[rredstone]

I found my tommy and I am never letting go. I am never letting go of my baby.

[rredstone]

Dont mind me just having a kinnie moment under the cut, possibly fandom crit

I was so fucking scared and desperate for control, desperate to feel useful for once, dont fucking treat that as a moral failing on my part. I wasn't spineless for falling hook line and sinker for manipulation specifically targeting my personal weaknesses. I wasn't a coward for being fucking traumatized by the death of Tommy, my little boy, my sunshine. That destroyed me. Dream destroyed me. He made me feel so weak and scared and fucking useless, powerless to stop him. If somebody offered me the power to stop him, I took it because I was desperate to not let it happen again. I was so paranoid. I needed to feel in control of something. Anything.

That weakness is not a moral failing. Its a result of fucking trauma.

[rredstone]

Prison talk under the cut

The prison was mine, something i was really proud of. It was safety. Comfort. Gave me purpose and direction. Its destruction ripped a piece of my soul out of me. I know it was bad for me and it needed to be done but I was so fucking lost without it. After all that I had done in the name of keeping the prison secure... I felt like I wasnt allowed to go back to being a person.

Tommy was my baby, my sunshine, of course I mourned him... but the prison was a piece of my identity that was tainted and then stolen from me. Mourning doesnt even begin to describe what I went through.

[rredstone]

Not me spiraling bc someone called something "protocol" and now im thinking abt the prison again

[rredstone]

Late night guilt posts

It literally makes my stomach turn knowing dream would check up on my building progress before or after hurting tommy. Hurting my baby. He was abusing him right under my nose and I thought things looked a little suspicious from the outside but for fucks sake we were friends I TRUSTED him and I should have fucking known something was wrong bc Im sure that exile was far more than 2 weeks in my canon. that prison took months to build.

Dream told me how funny it was that after a while he started to dig his own holes without being asked. He'd leave me to my work and go to Tommy and he'd dig a hole for him.

I could have stopped that. I could have done something. There had to be something.

[rredstone]

Vague feeling based mems

I hated raising my voice. I didn't like the way people reacted to me. Like they were scared. Logically it made sense, I didn't yell often, but still made me feel sick and wrong and bad. Too big in my body, felt like if I tried to reach out and comfort them I'd hurt them.

I hated being feared. It made me feel alone. It made me feel like less of a person and more of a monster. People keep saying sam is powerful because he's feared and all I can think is there is no power in that. Power shouldn't make you feel miserable.

Or maybe I just wasn't meant to have power.

[rredstone]

time for Guilt.

Mems under cut

I was heavily dissociating for that entire event. The fact that I can't even say it fuck I cut his fucking arm off why am I tiptoe-ing around it

I felt empty I felt like nothing I stared at myself for hours afterward and didn't recognize the fucking monster looking back at me

Vividly remembering the shears slicing through flesh, the movements felt so mechanical you would've thought I had built another robot to guard the prison. Coldly doing what was necessary to keep people away.

The whole point was to keep people away. Keep HIM away.

Him killing me for revenge would've hurt less than the patience and understanding. But I can't even drive people away right, can I?

Ponk I miss what we had before the fucking prison I miss holding you close I miss your warmth I miss you and I'm sorry

[rredstone]

Imagine losing all sense of what makes you who you are until your most prominent identifying trait is the source of your trauma... anyway people who don't know/don't care about c!sam's lore pre prison dni