02. Wanna know how selfish I am?
My family has ridiculed me for it my whole life, scolded me for putting my own needs before anyone else’s. What can I say? It’s not my fault that my father lost his mind and my brother never grew one of his own. Dean and Dad don’t know how to take care of themselves. Whoever John Winchester really was died when I was six months old, and his ghost taught Dean how to pine and sacrifice, that protection meant obsession. In doing so, he permanently damaged his son.
My brother never said no to me. I indulged. Took everything from him until there was nothing left to gain. Then I left him behind to pursue a bright future that had nothing to do with him. Those years away from him were the best of my life.
Dean may have given everything up for me, but he never got my genuine laughs or nervous heartbeats or approving glances. I didn’t care about his interests the way I did with the people I met at school. I never felt impressed by Dean the way I did with classmates who knew the answers to questions I didn’t. I never took pride in Dean the way I did in myself when I got that scholarship.
Why? Because I fear Dean. I fear how much I don’t need or want him in my life. I fear what that says about me. When Dean showed up at my apartment that night, I looked at him with resentment and wished he’d disappear so I didn’t have to feel guilty. It always kinda felt like he thought we were still kids without a mom when all I wanted to do was move on with my life.