collateral ch 11
read chapter 11 on ao3
samfic: collateral tag on tumblr
hello im back for a short while here's an update thx bye
--
Three years ago
Kara had sat with her feelings for the better part of a year. The feelings she harbored for her best friend, an unlikely friend, in one Lena Luthor. She knew that she had something special in her hands when they became friends and Lena allowed Kara in. Which was why she'd waffled back and forth about revealing her feelings because she didn't want to lose Lena or the friendship she offered. Never wanted to ruin the best relationship of any kind she had ever had because she wanted more.
After Lena had left for two weeks to Metropolis for a tech conference, Kara promised herself that she would lay her heart out on the line as soon as Lena returned regardless of the consequences. They had a scheduled brunch that upcoming Sunday after Lena returned so she vowed would tell her then.
While Lena was gone, Kara had been a mess. Though she maintained her composure during their nightly calls, curbing both excitement and worry. She knew it was a big step to take, she only hoped that their friendship could survive it regardless of what Lena thought.
Foolishly, Kara thought she had time when she finally got the courage to confess the feelings she had been bottling up inside for so long, it became quickly apparent that she was too late. Especially when she walked into Noonan's for their reunion brunch, armed with a small bouquet of flowers in one hand and her heart in the other, and found Lena at their table with someone else.
She almost took a step back with a growing excuse to cancel last minute forming in her mind when Lena glanced over toward the door and found her. A wide smile split Lena's face and Kara's heart thundered in her chest. Left with no choice, Kara took what she hoped was a steadying breath and walked over, hoping that the smile she plastered on rang true.
"Hello, darling," Lena said, engulfing Kara in a hug that Kara returned in full, having missed her best friend these past two weeks.
"Hi. Welcome back."
"It's good to be back. What are the flowers for?"
Kara scratched her forehead even as she shyly passed the flowers to Lena who received them with a smile and a small sniff at the beautiful arrangement of daises, dahlias, and snapdragons.
"I, uh—saw them at the farmer's market on the way, thought I'd give you a little welcome back present."
"They're beautiful, Kara. That reminds me, I have a whole bag of souvenirs and snacks for you in my apartment that we you can pick up later."
"Great."
"By the way, Kara, I wanted you to meet someone."
The man who had been patiently watching them stood up and greeted Kara with a full beard and kind eyes, offering his hand and a charming smile. Kara wasn't very proud to say that she hated him already.
"This is Jack. He's—we used to work together."
"I'm hoping that we would be more than that." His words were bold and British and Kara hated him even more. Meanwhile, a blush appeared on Lena's face, a coy smile apparent on her face at the precise moment a sinking feeling of despair dropped from Kara's chest into the pit of her stomach.
"He's not staying since he has some other meetings before he has to return back to Metropolis, but he wanted to say goodbye before he left National City."
"Nice to meet you," she offered, hoping that her smile reached her eyes.
"Likewise. Any friend of Lena's must be wonderful." Jack turned to look at Lena and dipped his head to give her a small kiss on the cheek. "Talk soon?"
Lena nodded and he made his way to the exit, leaving Kara and Lena alone at their usual table.
Thankfully, perhaps mercifully, the two of them ordered and chatted and forgot all about Jack. Their reunion was filled with updates from one another and sharing food, exactly what Kara had wanted for the two of them, but somehow this moment had been tainted. Especially when Lena confessed, "It was nice to be sought after, and I missed him. I didn't realize just how much."
Lena looked so happy and Kara realized then and there that what Lena needed from her was a best friend and not someone vying for her affections when it was clearly elsewhere.
She left that brunch with a broken heart, and resolved herself to try and get over her best friend. An endeavor Kara would fail for years to come.
—
Over the coming weeks, then months, Jack's intentions became crystal clear and Lena had been swept up in it. Before long, Jack had moved to National City under the guise of expanding his research projects in the contiguous U.S.. But Kara knew better and it pained her to see him have what she was, simply, too late to do anything about. His presence a reminder of who she could never be, so she did what she was exemplary at and she made herself scarce.
Shortened get-togethers, cancelled dinners, premature exits from hang-outs with Lena. As soon as Jack appeared, Kara had something to do, an interview to prepare for, errands to run. Anything to avoid the suffocation of what she could not have.
It wasn't until three months after his more permanent arrival to National City that Lena had finally cornered her and sat her down to talk. Then, in a devastating move that drowned Kara further into her own guilt, Lena apologized to Kara for abandoning their friendship.
"Kara, listen. I know I haven't been a good friend lately."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"I know that this thing with Jack is still developing, but I want you to know that you're the most important person to me. Your friendship means so much and I don't want to lose you over some guy."
She wanted to cry, the word cutting her deep because Kara did lose Lena to some guy; but not just any guy. The man who had been able to live the life Kara wanted. Instead. she simply plastered on what she hoped was an understanding smile. "You're not—"
"You leave the minute he's around."
She internally grimaced. "I'm just...making sure you two have time to spend with each other."
"And what about us? When you leave, then you cut our time short."
Kara felt at odds with herself. "I'm sorry. I thought I was doing it for you."
"Please, darling. I love you and want to make sure that we stay...best friends."
An honor relegated to a consolation prize that Kara couldn't think otherwise and that shamed further. However, the pitiable look on Lena's face who had shouldered the blame for her actions, Kara had no choice but to swallow her pride along with her broken heart. "You're right. I'm sorry. Still best friends?"
Lena smiled and gave her a hug, whispering by her ear, "Always."
Kara wanted to sob.
She made sure to visibly make an effort to spend time together, doing her best to warm to Jack. He was a likeable guy, a charming man who had a lot more in common with Lena than she did. It didn't take much for her to understand why Lena would be with someone like him. They were a great match, certainly more than what she could give her best friend in a reporter's salary and a studio apartment in a rent controlled building. They were in similar circles professionally and personally, while Kara found herself from the outside looking in.
Perhaps it was for the best that Lena ended up with Jack instead of her, she'd once thought bitterly. She couldn't imagine a man like him harboring useless feelings the way that she had, the ones that simply wouldn't die.
—
Hoping for a distraction, she threw herself into dating. She'd half-considered checking both Men and Women options in the dating apps she downloaded but gave up soon after. The idea of finding a woman to replace Lena in her heart sounded wholly unfair to the other woman because she knew that nobody could or would compare. The thought of having to navigate those feelings were more than what she could handle.
Going out and dating took so much time and energy, but she was committed to try and make the best of her self-inflicted shitty situation. It at least gave her real, legitimate reasons to avoid Lena and Jack whenever she could, though the guilt from that was its own problem to contend with. Unsurprisingly, none of her efforts panned out until she eventually fell into a relationship with a guy named Adam she met at her gym. He had asked her out half a dozen times until she eventually relented.
They'd even gone on a double date with Lena and Jack, about two months after they started dating. However, her jealousy burned her from the inside out that she cut their evening short before bedding Adam that very night. She'd thought of Lena's mouth when she came, Lena's fingers inside of her when Adam held her. While he dozed, she felt guilt course through her; unclean and guilty and so, very terrible.
Their relationship barely lasted four months.
She should have felt bad, but she only felt relief that she didn't have to lie anymore, at least not about that. To deal with the end of their relationship, Kara holed herself in her apartment and avoided everyone, Lena included. By the end of the week, Kara had grown stale and tired of herself, so she dressed herself up in tight jeans and a button down before heading to a club lounge on the other side of town, far away from Lena.
It didn't take long to find herself at the club and Kara bee-lined for the bar. She'd taken two shots back to back and made her way to the dance floor where men and women gyrated and danced up on her. At one point, there was a man behind her and a woman in front of her bracketing her as their bodies swayed to the music.
She'd eventually tired herself out and excused herself before finding a booth to rest. Only then did she find a woman who could pass for Lena and she made her move. If she couldn't have the real thing, then a pale imitation would have to do.
It hadn't been too complicated walking up to the woman at the bar as she got a refill, struck up a conversation, and sequestered themselves in a faraway corner just quiet enough to not have to yell at one another.
"I saw you on the dance floor. You really lost yourself out there."
"Just trying to take my mind off of things."
"A boyfriend?"
She shook her head.
"A girlfriend?"
She took a pause and sipped her drink before she shook her head.
"Ah. One of those, then?"
Kara didn't know what the woman was referencing, perhaps it was the alcohol having made its way through her bloodstream or something else. Either way, she didn't say anything.
"Well, if you still need to keep your mind off of things, I've got just the thing."
It hadn't taken much for her to settle her tab before she allowed the woman to intertwine their fingers and catch a cab outside. They didn't kiss or jump onto each other in the backseat of the car, instead, this woman she knew nothing about moved Kara's hand to rest on her leg, the tips of Kara's fingers teasing the inside of her thighs.
The woman booked a hotel room for them and before the door could even click shut, they were all over one another. She squatted slightly, her hands gripping the back of the woman's thighs and hoisted her up until she carried them to the bed. Clothes were easily discarded until all they were left in were their underwear.
"Fuck me like you wanna fuck her," the woman had said, her voice like nails against her skin for the truth they were carving bare, but she still had the alcohol in her system, so she obliged. She tore the woman's thong and threw it somewhere before she lapped up the woman's wetness, sucking and nipping and caressing exactly how she would Lena if she had the chance. The woman came in a few short minutes, breathing hard and hands gripping the back of Kara's head.
"Do that again," the woman husked and pressed Kara back down until her nose rubbed up against the woman's clit. Kara did as she was told, her hands roamed the woman's body before landing on her breasts, tweaking the nipples in tandem to when she dipped her tongue in. Her face had cum all over, but she didn't care because if this was the closest thing to what she wanted, she was going to give it everything she had.
When the woman came twice more before they switched positions, turning the woman on all fours and pushing her down until her chest touched the bed. Kara shut her eyes and imagined Lena in this position, whimpering for Kara to keep touching her. She began drawing circles with her fingers on the woman's clit before she slipped those very fingers into her already slippery core, draping her body over the woman, Kara's naked breasts sliding against the woman's sweaty back. Kara dipped her head and alternated kisses and bites on the woman's shoulder and neck and fantasized that it was Lena's pale skin that she was marking as hers, claiming. The woman turned her head to kiss the side of Kara's face and Kara let her ragged breaths wash over Kara's skin as she pictured it was Lena asking her for more, wanting everything that Kara gave.
"S-say—call me darling," she ordered between huffs as their joined bodies rocked together.
"Darling, let me come," the woman purred, seemingly content to play along. The sound of this woman's voice breathing against Kara's skin ramped up her pleasure tenfold, her imagination slotting Lena in her stead making Kara wetter than she'd ever been.
"Together," she instructed as their climaxes neared. Kara tugged the woman up until they were both kneeling, her back pressed up against Kara's front. The woman drew her arm up to cup the back of Kara's nape.
"Mark me, darling—yes, yes—"
Kara did just that, nipping the woman's shoulder while she quickened her hand's pace, ignoring the ache of her wrists because she wanted to make Lena come. She wanted to come with Lena.
"I'm coming!"
"Len—ugh," she grunted, stopping her lips from further betraying her heart by clamping her mouth on sweat-stained skin.
She'd climaxed untouched, the vision of Lena having come undone by her hands seared into her memories.
The woman gently tapped her hand so she carefully slid her fingers out and wiped it against the bed spread.
"You came?" the woman asked when she cupped Kara, her slick having soaked through her own underwear.
She shrugged. "You were hot."
The woman smirked and studied Kara's features. Her brown eyes were nothing like Lena but they were just as striking her sharp. She tilted her head and studied Kara, but Kara hadn't wanted judgment, so she laid down so her eyes were focused on the ceiling.
"Don't tell me you're done?" the woman teased.
"No, no. Just—resting."
"Don't rest for too long, I want to get my money's worth on this room."
Kara thought, fleetingly that perhaps the woman was also trying to get over someone. She wouldn't mind if this woman used her for her body, didn't mind if she was returning the same favor by standing in place of someone else. But she doubted that was the case.
—
By the time she woke up the next day, it was just a little after ten in the morning and she was sporting a killer headache. When she opened her eyes to scan the room, there was no trace of the woman save for the note she left with her number for in case Kara wanted to get her mind off of things again.
Despite the pleasures she experienced at the hands of this stranger the night before, what she'd done by pretending the woman was Lena had made Kara sick to her stomach at herself and at feeling like she'd violated her friendship with Lena somehow. She scrubbed herself clean in the hot shower and donned the filth of last night's clothes. She stared at the woman's note before throwing it in the trash bin and walking out.
After the night she had, all Kara wanted was to take a long hot bath and pass out, but was stopped on the top landing of her floor when her phone rang a call from Lena. When she looked up, she froze in her tracks at the sight of Lena standing by her door, carrying what appeared to be a bag of takeout in one hand and her phone held to her face with the other.
Even though she was looking right at Lena just a few yards from her, Kara didn't bother to move, instead answering the call even with the latent echo.
"Hey, Lena."
"Hi, Kara," Lena said, a small smile on her face. "Are you home?"
She let out a wry chuckle before taking a step forward, her free hand already reaching for her keys in her pocket. "Maybe. Why, what's up?"
A cheeky smirk appeared on Lena's face. "I was in the neighborhood. Thought I'd bring some lunch."
That lunch was a code word for a check-in, Kara knew, but this was the exact reason Kara's heart belonged to Lena; for her thoughtfulness and her effort to reach out to Kara even though she knew she didn't deserve it.
Kara arrived in front of her best friend, the two of them standing but a foot away from each other, their phones still held by their ears. "You didn't have to do that."
"I wanted to."
For the first time in a week, Kara gave a real smile, one that Lena mirrored.
She made quick work of bringing them inside of her apartment, glad that she'd tidied up recently. Lena made a home for herself in the living room as she took out the dishes from the bag and laid them out on the coffee table. Kara couldn't help but smile before disappearing into the bathroom and getting rid of her sins from the night before.
The first hour they spent together had been focused on nourishment and watching whatever YouTube episode was playing on the screen. Only when they'd finished the food and rested back on the couch that Lena finally reached out to her. The action should have warmed her heart, but considering what she'd done the night before, she only felt dirty.
"You must have really liked him," Lena commented, taking a sip of her wine.
"What do you mean?"
Lena tilted her head and threw her a pointed look. "Come on, Kara. The two of you dated for four months but I had never seen you look so heartbroken."
Somehow, the guilt churning in her stomach worsened. What was she supposed to say to a statement so false and so far from the truth?
The truth that she'd had meaningless sex with a woman she pretended was Lena and who she was never going to reach out to because Kara sought her out precisely because she reminded her of her straight best friend who was committed to a man that Kara hated?
That she'd put up through the ruse of a four-month old relationship with a man who could tell that her heart wasn't in it, even if he didn't know the specifics as to why.
That he rightly broke up with him because it was smarter to cut his losses than suffer more of what she clearly couldn't offer him. She didn't blame him, he was right, after all.
Backed into a corner of her own making, Kara tugged at the strings of her hoodie and stared straight ahead, knew that she couldn't handle it if she had to look at Lena when she said the words, "I just wanted to love someone and for someone to love me back."
The space beside Kara dipped and Lena was by her side, wrapping her arm around Kara, love and affection that at this precise moment, Kara did not deserve.
"You'll find your person," Lena assured her, bringing their heads together.
Kara had found her person, she bitterly thought, but she'd been slow to the draw, slow to make peace with herself until it was entirely too late.
—
When Jack proposed to Lena, Kara had been surprised. It was such a public spectacle that she was mostly slack jawed as he stood from his one-kneed proposal and kissed Lena, the diamond glinting under the bright lights of the gala.
She stepped away from the onslaught of congratulations headed towards the happy couple and she rushed to the bathroom, able to reach the toilet in time until she released her stomach's contents into the bowl.
When she cleaned herself up, she exited the bathroom and walked towards the floor-to-ceiling windows that overlooked National City's twinkling nightlife.
The sound of heels approached closer and closer until she heard, "There you are!"
She plastered on the best smile she could before she turned to face her best friend. "Congratulations are in order, then?"
Lena beamed and reached out to hug her. Kara accepted the hug, her face almost tucked into Lena's neck before she needed to pull back. "Thank you."
"I didn't think you were the type for public proposals," Kara commented, her eyes focused on the ring on Lena's hand. A large rock, blinding almost, nothing that Kara could ever give her.
"It took me by surprise, since you know that I prefer more private settings. But he'd apparently been planning it with Lillian."
"Lillian?"
Lena let out a chuckle. "Yes. Apparently, they'd been planning this for some time."
"Did you know he was going to propose?"
She shook her head. "No, but it makes sense, right? This is the next step to our relationship. Besides, he looks so happy."
The two of them looked out to the main gala space where their eyes landed on Jack being ushered around by Lillian, no doubt congratulating him on their engagement.
"Are you?" she asked, her attention returning to Lena.
"Of course," Lena answered, though her face had sobered more when she turned her eyes back to Kara. "This is a good thing."
With an aching heart, Kara drew her best friend into a hug. When they broke apart, Kara's eyes were glassy despite her best attempts to control her emotions. She gave Lena her best smile. "Then that's all that matters, Lena."
—
While she watched Jack whisk Lena away from the gala, Kara downed the rest of her champagne, waiting for a refill at the bar. She caught the eye of a woman at the other end of the bar. Reaching for her flute, she raised it to the woman who accepted her glass from the bartender and walked over towards Kara.
Kara's eyes remained on the woman, her beautiful dark skin shone under the lights and natural curly hair bounced as she made her way towards Kara. Their pleasantries lasted all of five minutes until Kara, brazen and reckless, brushed forward and whispered into the woman's ear what she really wanted to do if the woman was up for it.
The woman, Giselle or Genevieve or something, simply quirked a brow before taking a sip of her drink and offering the rest to Kara. Wordlessly, Kara accepted it and gulped down the rest, the solitary ice clinking against the glass.
When they reached the woman's hotel somewhere downtown, Kara's mouth was making a home in the hollow of the woman's neck.
The woman had her sitting on the edge of the bed and towered over her, smooth fingers unbuttoning Kara's tuxedo shirt.
"I'll give you a night to remember," the woman offered before bringing her mouth against Kara's neck.
She didn't say a word, simply accepted the pleasure the woman was giving her, because there was no reason to explain to her that Kara was actually doing all of this to forget.