#samuel's diary

[writers-ambition]

... Apologize...

An apology? You want me to apologize I’ll apologise when my pigment loses its color Or maybe when I’m ashamed of what I’ve done I felt as if it was necessary Weather it was right or weather it was wrong A problem stood in front of me And too solve my problem your way Only added complications To a already difficult equation I made choices based on me What I know and what options were available It was never a decision based on how you might feel Or how you tears might fall I never meant for your head to hang in shame Even knowing I’m too blame I can’t be ashamed of what I did Nor apologize for being a man With a few option and a cretin “know how” Frowned upon Considering my situation I choose me over them every time Whats a slow poison, to self-hating individuals Bound to destroy themselves eventually I just aim to profit from their chemical addiction A tax free solution To help gain the funds to learn a trade And never look back on my tax free life Happily earning through life Making the choices of today; skeletons in the closet The dirt under my nails Can you see How my dreams are brighter than the present And my troubles today will be days associated with my past When my bright dreams are no longer dreams, but daily gifts In that case I apologize that I live nightmares to achieve my dreams And the nightmares of today, destroy your dreams of tomorrow

[writers-ambition]

December 8th

I have no idea what to say Even if I stood here for an hour Playing with my words Could you ever see them just as I mean for them to be Would you see the tears Could you feel the fear What about the helplessness Would your mind swirl into the deepest and darkest corners That you previously never knew existed As mine did when I was knelled over my best friend Blood spilling out of him you incapable of stopping the bleeding His murder lay outside still breathing Could you take the time to check all remaining weapons Hoping for just one bullet To fire at point blank range into his skull His murder a man whom watched us grow-up We've known him so long that this could have never been imagined Not one bullet can be found So you know he still live with bullets him now Could you stare into the eyes of your best friend and tell him he's gonna be okay Now hearing sirens pulling up a slight sense relief comes over you But just as quick as they pull up you realize there are 8 squad cars Not one ambulance among them Begging and pleading for them to get the ambulance here quick Instead they stand you up hand cuff you then throw you in the back of a car Out your window you see his murderer move In all this time he still hasn't bleed out and died Then the screams of your friends woman as she arrives on the scene 10 min earlier she could have got him out of the house and the whole situation avoided O how I would love for that to be the case But no I'm in the back of the car as the ambulance finally arrives The first pair of Emt's go to that bastard I wish was dead Putting him on the stretcher his movements faint but still existent Over the walkie-talkie in the car you hear the other pair reach the house And say they must announce your brother As those words reach your hears nothing but tears and screams come out of you A desperate wish that things were different And that it could have been me instead He leaves two little girls in this world And has one on the way That he never gets to see face to face This is easily the craziest thing my eyes have bore witness to And has darkened my soul my brother, my best friend, my left hand, my role model He was all these things in one to me gone from this world Now I'm stuck I'm lost and going insane day by day Playing over and over in my mind (I spared many details, and yet still told you what happened in a matter of mins and how I lost someone close to me)

[writers-ambition]

Admission Of The Heart

I don't know if it has ever crossed your mind why

Why I hang on so tight an refuse to let you become a stranger

It cause my biggest fear isn't losing you

It just so happens that I'm a more afraid of being too late

I can't say I want our relationship to go back to what it was

Cause no matter how precious or unique it was it could never be the same

Cause you and I are not the same, you are a strong woman and I a strong man

And I can only hope we have a stronger relationship

And I know I can't be the only one who sees how beautiful you are

But I know for a fact not many know how deep that beauty runs

You left this unforgettable feeling in me

Indescribable and I don't know if I can ever find it again

Quiet honestly I rather miss out than to lose out on you

Something in me tells me you are the one for me

I much rather have a second chance with you and it fail

Than to have a first chance with another and a chance with you passes me by

[writers-ambition]

Butterfly Effect

Give me a minute to expand your mind past the age of 25 Where you don't have to dream of the outside like a caged bird Can you see yourself roaming the streets without the weight of chains on you Hindering your ability to survive Seeing yourself struggling to provide water and sun for your seed Disregarding and disrespecting the soil your seed is planted Open wide those brown eyes Creeping through the hours of owls and wolves Misguided beliefs of money cause lonely and rich is the way you see yourself going Being happy and in-love, all the while struggling you won't even consider Providing herb and poison well into the age of beer guts Surrounding yourself by "men" who haven't even been smacked on the ass by Dr.Life Can you see the picture painted with the scribbling on the page If you can expand you mind past the age of 25 You can cause your butterfly effect with choices in your present In which a degree gave you a house rather than "gangster" lyrics A movie star life or at least a life better than winters with no power Big TV's, long yard, exotic cars, a wife and two kids Don't forget the dog Believe that its not all a fairy tale A colored face is in the oval office Expand your mind past those nightmares of never meeting 21 The 8th day in September stands before you introducing you to 21 Believe you can make it through & past the next four years, and alter your path in the direction you want Take your time and chisel out a master piece out of this boulder of life Don't mistake expanding your mind with pleading to you Any choice made is solely with you Maturity is a much better suit rather than baseball caps and hanging pants Success just happens to smells better than the stench of desperation Each decision made presently has a ripple effect Now that your mind grows aware of a life outside of here & now Will you have the courage to step on a butterfly 

[writers-ambition]

Hope Can't Be Hopeless

Lost amongst the shadows Swimming in the dark shades As if a hand is covering my eyes Lost... Traumatised by the fear of never reaching the light Banished from the signs of the sun Incapable of determining which way is up Circling in the pain of constant distractions Arriving at the beginning all over again As I step out in search of a future A future brighter than what I know this life to be Hoping to find my way out of this gloomy cave Holding to hope for my every breath In a hopeless predicament Where the sun won't shine Up is right and down is left No real path cleared no footsteps to follow No voices to follow But hoping one of these ways is right Cause I went to long without the warmth of a future burning bright I refuse to be lost in this dark plain forever Destined for the sky, sitting on clouds basting in the morning star's glow My hopes can't be seen but held tightly within me Making the impossible a distant possibility which I could never give up on

[writers-ambition]

Everyone Is Unique To The World

I think I understand better than most men That not every man is the same But yet every man with age has a story That he's willing to share with ears willing to listen I listened to the story of man lost But content in his lostness He looks to have no materials In his eyes they mean next to nothing He's happy with his pipe, lighter, an a rock Laid back swirling in his choice high When he has no rocks to fill his pipe He apologize cause he feels as if its the least he can do Knowing his generation left a string of babies to grow with no guidance He apologize for not understanding how to even talk to this generation This man, this crackhead, this geek, in my eyes he only holds one title an that's a lost man He tell me that he's plaqued with memories of battles over sea His hands begin to tremble as he recalls different events In his eyes I can see the horror that's beginning to resurrected itself As it does he ends his story an I understand Its odd I've never seen battle the way he has but I can understand the thurma of watching life vanish He tells me his loyalty resides in Allah And how balance and education are qualities he strives for Even tho he spends time trapped in his own hell apart from his family Due his choices he lost them and no longer live just passes through each day He made me question weather I was living or going through the motions He asked why weed is my choice of high He asked if I would sell food instead of selling weed He made think seriously of things I was doing All night in a crack house smoking weed barely making money Surrounded by so called..."friends" He asked what it is I really wanted cause he could see a bigger picture for me This man that everyone would consider less than a man Helped me find my way back to my pen and pad Helped me put the nickle and dime bags down But he did it without knowing or maybe he did I just understand now everybody has their own unique story But only ears willing to listen will be able to take something from another's story

[writers-ambition]

The Right Path Is Never Easy

How am I to stay on this narrow path When its barely wide enough for one of my footstep How am I to keep my head up when losing track of my path is so simple Beautiful distractions walk past And I'm not suppose to follow I have to work at staying on the straight and narrow When there is a wider path just more in the open Warnings all along this path tho They say its not the right way an your more likely to lose than win I know there is no jumping back an forth between the two But looking from here it seems so smooth and such an easy road Yet echoing in the back of my head are the words "not for me" I try an glue my eyes to the path before me Yet occasionally in my past I have strayed away But never too far so I could always make m way back I tell you on this path I have truly found out whom are my real friends I have unmasked those who have hid behind that title They were guiding me off my path an had no concern for what was to happen to me Now I'm left with my few real friends who understands the struggles of a narrow path They remind me everyday this path is far from easy and no person can walk for me Once I make it through the dirt an  gravel that has been scorched by the sun I 'll walk any which way I choose on cool marble floors At least that's what I choose to believe as I travel down this path of education an ink stained pages

[writers-ambition]

Bare

If I stood bare in front of you Bare as I first came into this world Would you feel as if you know me Could you tell me the things about myself that I have yet discovered The true measures of my soul that hasn't been stretched to its true length If I stood bare in front you Could you map out my future as if you were reading my palm Would you stare at my scars an create images like you were staring up at the stars How about my tattoos would you see them as the art I intended them for Would you read each line on me an understand that each word was sprung from life If I stood bare in front of you Would you say I'm blessed just as the woman I was intimate with had Could you see the bullet that had passed my flesh Never have any buried themselves in me Could you see it Would that make me blessed in your eyes If I stood bare in front of you Just as I had came into this world Would I have the same innocence I had then Or could you see the lies, the pain, and the posions I've endured Staining me to my core would I be unclean In those blue,brown, or green eyes If I stood bare in front of you Would the puddles of blood I've shed reappear What about the ponds of sweat that have been misplaced Even still those rivers of tears I left after each person dear to me disappeared If stood bare in front of you Could you say you know me Would feel as if you hold something over me cause I stand in the nude I would pray you didn't But to pray would be against who I am Judge me again and again cause now no secrets cover me I hide behind no fear nor shyness I stand before you bare an unafraid I stand alone just as alone as I had came into this cruel world But I bear all of what this world has to offer It comes at a price but staring at my flesh you would never know What it is I've had to do just to get this far