#sawa rambles

[ridingmydemons]

reading all my old stuff makes me want to start again to see if I can be better. I kinda let last year take too much from me.

[ridingmydemons]

still working on putting something out. it's gotten slow for me as there's been so much drama and stress irl 😭 things are looking grim, but we move!

[ridingmydemons]

I've gotten sick (a bad cold), so I may not update for a few days. But I've got something coming soon for when I'm better along with a potential first chapter for a series <3

[sawa-ta]

I’m getting bad again. This is the week before spring break and these next three days are gonna be hell for me. Will I survive it? Probably. I’ve done it before and I’m sure I’ll do it again.

The thing is, I feel less motivated each time I go through it though. Less motivated to get out of bed, less motivated to work, less motivated to try, and it sucks. So much.

It feels like this is the time I’m finally going to break down and not be able to get back up. It’s so much easier to just lay there and give up. I can’t even remember why I’m trying so hard in the first place. Does anything I do even matter? I don’t even know anymore.

I just hope that I’ll find a purpose to my life, or at least to keep going, because if I don’t, I’m not sure I’ll be able to get back up if I get knocked down again.

[sawa-ta]

Would anyone actually miss me if I was gone? What am I worth anyways? Nothing really. I have nothing to offer. There is no purpose to my life.

I don’t necessarily want to die but I don’t really care enough to live. I feel like I’m at a standstill while everyone around me is moving forward. What is the point of my existence? Maybe I’ve already served my purpose and it’s time for me to be thrown away.

If only there was a way for me to just disappear from this earth forever. One day I’m here and the next day I’m not. Just poof.