#scarlettswriting

[bluekate]

9. Cold

“How’s your trip going? You’re almost there, right?” “Pf, I wish. My train got delayed so I missed my bus. I had to wait in the cold for half an hour!” “Oh you poor thing! Do you want me to pick you up with a warm scarf?” “That’s so sweet of you! But you know I’ll be fine. The bus stop isn’t that far.” “You know I’d be more than glad to!” “Yes, and I love you too. But then we’d both be freezing, and that won’t help either of us.” “But-…” “Shae, I’ll be fine. I just need to get through this last cold bus ride and then I can, I don’t know, curl up in a blanket.” “All right, I know better than to endlessly argue on this with you. I’ll see you soon Audrey.” “Love you!” “I love you too!” I smile as I put my phone away and for just a moment, the cold has no control over my body. I very quickly start shivering again however. I pull my legs up as best as I can in this buss. I’ll be home soon. I just need to get through this blasted cold.

After what seems like an eternity, I get off the bus. I’m half expecting Shaela to be there with her stubborn head, but she’s not. Part of me feels relieved; I really don’t want her to be shivering like me. But I truly wish I could hug her, even if only to fight the cold for a bit. I shake my head and fold my arms to try and bear the cold. As I walk home, I grow tired and all I want to do is sleep. I long for warmth and comfort. Luckily, my home offers both. I can see the familiar lights, and I can almost smell tea. I almost run the last few metres and, Once I get inside, I’m greeted by a scene better than I hoped for.

As soon as I step in the door, my head is covered in a warm cloth. My coat is stripped off before I can even take the cloth off my head and a warm blanket is wrapped around me. “Shae, Shaela wait, give me a moment!” I say, laughing. “No, look at you, you’re freezing! Why didn’t you wear your gloves?!” “I forgot them. Easy Shae, I’m fine.” I smile at her once I get the cloth away from my face. I can’t help but be endeared by her way of caring for me. Or, sometimes, over caring. So I just let her do her thing. In no time I’m sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket with a cup of my favourite tea. “Thanks Shae.” I say, finally feeling warmer. “Were you expecting any less?” she says with a smile. I just smile back and put my head against her. Any cold is worth going through if she’s there to warm me back up.

[bluekate]

8. Foot

I carefully check myself in the mirror from head to toe. It looks okay, most marks are gone by now. But it’s still best to cover up, I guess. So, I start putting on clothes. I cover my legs with some thicker leggings, so I can at least wear a skirt. A nice jumper on top of it to complete the look, and cover my arms, and I think I don’t even look half bad. My face needs work however.

I carefully start applying makeup, covering what’s left of the bruises. How would I even explain how I got them? I didn’t tell anybody about the accident. I just called in sick for a few days and then went back to my daily life. It’s none of their business after all, so I rather just keep it to myself. I can already see the look on their faces if I did tell them. I don’t want them. I don’t want apologies and sudden attempts to help me. I don’t want others to suddenly be kind, just because of what happened. I don’t need them.

Once my face is as clear as a doll’s, it’s time for the hardest part; putting on shoes. My back is still sore and I’m not very flexible. So this is just the worst. Nonetheless, I manage to put them on and I slowly start lacing up my boots. At least they somewhat support y body. I just can’t suddenly wear different shoes that would offer better support. I have to wear the usual. I have to be like usual. I can at least say my fatigue is from having been sick, but I have no excuse for being sore and stiff. Unless I tell them. So, I have to be like usual and keep going. And so I will. One foot in front of the other.

[bluekate]

7. Wind

I stare out the window, not fully seeing what’s out there. My mind is somewhere else completely. Before my eyes are visions of flower fields and summer dresses. Curly hair and freckles, white teeth in a broad smile. A slight breeze, making hair dance, leaves rustle and children laugh. Wind’s in the east. Her warm, gentle smile and playful eyes. How summer was her favourite season because of the flowers and frilly dresses she got to wear.

I decide to open my window in hopes of drowning the memories out. But there’s not even a gust of wind blowing in my face, as my window faces west… Instead, my memories only get worse and my visions gets clouded, like mist coming in. I remember her little quirks. How she would always have sugar in her tea, no matter the flavour. How she’d gaze at the stars every night before bed. How she always wore a dress or skirt, no matter the temperature. The constant presence of books.

I sighs and get away from the window. Sitting here like this isn’t going to do anything. I grab my coat and head outside, kicking the late autumn leaves as I walk. My body feels tense, as if I’m nervous. As if something’s brewing, about to begin. But I know it’s nothing. Probably. Memories just are a bit painful at times, and today is a great example of that. Usually, being nostalgic of good times can inspire hope for the future. But of course, that’s not the case for me. Usually they just bring me pain. And fear. Fear of repetition, perhaps? Although not exactly. It’s not repetition itself that’s the problem. Repetition is necessary to learn new things. I just… can’t put my finger on what lies in store. But I fear what’s to happen, all happened before.

I keep walking in hopes of shaking that feeling, but to no success, even after two hours. So I decide to turn back home, when I realise I’ve been walking west, with the wind in my back. I sigh and wait for a little while, trying to collect myself, before I walk and face the east wind.

[bluekate]

6. Blade

It feels like a stab right through the heart. With a dull blade. Or two. And then it gets twisted around and pulled out and stabbed again. But at the same time it feels like a terrible weight is pushing down on my chest, on my heart. And that is a terrible combination, especially if you’re supposed to be able to function. How does one function when there’s a blade stabbing at your heart?

Nonetheless, I drag myself up so that I’m sitting. I then push myself up to stand. I can do this. I look at the distance I need to cross and wonder if I can make it. The only way to know is try. As I walk, carefully of course, the mist sets in, obscuring my view. I should have crossed that distance by now. Or, wait. I went the wrong way. I turn around and try to find my way again.

After some time I finally do find my destination and I stand in front of the gate. I know what awaits me within and I have to brace myself. I breathe a few times before opening the gate and walking in. Inside, the noise deafens me. But I do not cover my ears with my hands; I need them after all. So I push through the pain, through the noise. There, awaits my final task. I know I should face it. I should face it daily. But truly, I simply don’t want to. I want to go back. Out of this mist, back into blissful nothingness. But I can’t. I have to push on.

I sigh at my reflection and start brushing my teeth.

[bluekate]

5. Snow

I carefully open my eyes when I hear the sound of the front door. Mom has the day off, so..? And then I hear Shaela’s voice. I groan a little and quickly pull the duvet over my head. Maybe she’ll let me sleep for a bit. But I hear the way she runs up the stairs and I know I can say goodbye to my sleep. “Audrey!!” she says, almost screams, when she opens the door. “Come on, get up!” and she jumps on my bed. I groan as she pulls the duvet down and light hits my face. “Shaela, it’s Sunday. Let me sleeeeeeep.” I say, my voice still a bit hoarse from sleeping. “Just come on, you’re going to love it outside!” “It’s cold!” “There’s snow!” “Shae, my bed is warm, it’s cold out. I’m staying.” “Audrey dear, it’s almost noon. You’re getting up!” and again my duvet is pulled away from me. I shiver a little at the temperature difference and glare at Shaela, who grins at me. I grin back and make an attempt to pull her down next to me. She easily falls down and I instantly know I’m doomed. She starts tickling me and, as much as I hate it, manages to wake me up with it. “All right all right I’ll get up!” I yell in hopes of getting her to stop. It works and she finally gets off. “You have five minutes!” she says as she heads to the door. “Ten!” I yell at her. “Seven!” and she’s out the door.

I sigh and slowly get up and get dressed, I love Shaela, but sometimes she’s far too energetic in the morning. But then again, her smile’s worth it. I head downstairs to get breakfast and find her waiting for me. The slight grin on her face tells me she’s up to mischief. “No, we’re not having a snowball fight.” I said as I grab breakfast. Shaela immediately starts pouting and I can’t help but laugh. “It’s too early, I’m not fully awake yet. You’d win instantly! That’s no fair fun.” Shaela seems content with my answer as she hops up from her chair, walks over and wraps her arms around me. “How about a snowman then?” she asks. “Sure, sure. Now, can I have breakfast first?”

After I finish eating, Shaela can’t get me outside fast enough. Once I step outside, I see that her enthusiasm was not misplaced. The world is covered in a white blanket and the white particles are still floating around in the air. Shaela instantly becomes even skipper than she already was and I wonder if I’m sure I’m not dating a rabbit. She catches me smiling at her and tilts her head. “What is it?” she asks. I sigh content and walk over to her, touching her hair as I speak. “You know what I love most about snow? It turns your hair into the night sky.” She smiles at me as I place a kiss on her head. Too late I feel her suddenly tugging at my arm and we both fall down into the snow. “You awake yet?” she laughs. I reply by throwing snow at her. “I love you too!”

[bluekate]

4. Storm

“Enjoy the calm before the storm” they say. As if you can no longer enjoy things once the ‘storm’ has hit. What logic is that? A storm can bring so much beauty, if you only know where to look. The world becomes a cacophony of sounds, which can almost sound like an orchestra, trying to tune their instruments to one another. All smells become more intense and certain colours can just seem to pop more. But all most people see is the dark clouds and the “mess” the rain causes. As if the human body can’t be an utter mess. Have you seen a human when they just woke up?

No, it’s not the storm we should fear. It’s the calm that comes before it. Sure, you can use that time to make preparations so the damage is kept at a minimum. But so, so many people are nervous or anxious during that time. It’s during the storm when they just sit, wait, and talk. Humans seem to connect and even bond during a storm. And I mean any kind of storm. It’s when people are hurt and show weakness, that they bond with others. It’s in times of struggle and hardship that they learn to open up and accept support from one another. It’s when the world is at its loudest, they appreciate each other’s silence.

It’s the calm before the storm when people are tense, nervous, scared and more. They are easily irritated and will push people away. Because they have to prepare for the storm and don’t want to deal with anything else to distract them. It’s not the storm we should fear. It’s the calm before it.

[bluekate]

3. Smile

My eyes slowly close as I take in the sounds, knowing exactly what they mean. My mother has already gone to bed, so I have to make sure I’m not being too loud. She’s had a long day, so I understand. Because of that, I have to cover my mouth to silence a giggle when I finally see her. She’s wearing her ear buds again, and is dancing to the music. Her curly hair bounces when she does, and I can just feel the happiness radiating from her. I know she knows I’m watching, because she starts to aim her dance moves at the window. I laugh at the hilariously theatrical moves, and cover my mouth again to keep quiet. I get a text. “Come dance with me!” I smile and quickly text het back. “I can’t. The mom is asleep.” “Look up.” I look through the window again. She’s holding up a sign with the word ‘please’ and pulling a face. I quiet my laugh and text her. “You know she’ll kill me if I wake my mom. She’s tired as poop.” “Okay, you need to learn to up your word game. Poop, really? Also, you know I’ll fight her off. Or anyone. I’ll protect you!” “My loving knight <3 I’d have to take care of all your wounds though. You rush into everything.” “Everything for my lady!” I see her strike a pose from the corner of my eye. I cover my mouth and get another text. “Just come over, please? Today was tough and… you know.” I sigh a little, and feel the smile on my face. I quietly hop off the windowsill and sneak back to my room to grab my things. I write a note for my mother so she doesn’t worry, leave it on the kitchen table, and quietly walk out.

I’m not even halfway our shared little walkway when I see her front door open and she runs towards me. I catch her and we just laugh for a little. There’s no need for words. Her mom greets me like I’m part of the family and is already pouring me a cup of tea. “Is your mother all right, Audrey?” she asks while she hands me my tea. I glance at our home and see the lights are still off. She’s still asleep, good. I nod and say: “I’m sure she is. Work is just very hard on her lately.” “I see. Well, I’ll bring her my specialty tomorrow then!” “Ah, not tomorrow! She has work all day. The day after would be great however.” “Got it honey.” She winks at me. “Now, off you go, my daughter is obviously impatient!” I laugh as I’m being pulled upstairs and close my eyes as soon as we sit down on her bed. Our heads instantly find their usual positions; hers on my shoulder and mine on her head. We breathe. We listen. We smile.

“Hey Audrey.” “Hey Shaela.”

[bluekate]

2. Tough

Don’t be like that. Learn to take a joke. Stand up for yourself. Don’t let them walk over you like that. Stop it. Don’t do that. Just do this. Do such. Leave all of it.

If you keep telling me all of that, what do you think will happen to my mindset, to anyone’s mindset? It grows a new skin. A thicker skin. And when that skin gets beaten more and cut up, one grows another, even thicker skin. This cycle continues until your skin is a wall. And then you just add another wall. And another. Until it finally becomes easy for you to maintain and repair them. Until it finally no longer hits you. Until you’ve fully adapted to those phrases, Until you can take a punch. Until you can easily handle it all. Until you’re tougher than you ever should have been.