hey whats it like to be autistic, i forgor
So honestly, I kind of sat on this message for a long time because I was going to make a jokey response, then I was going to make a serious response, but I couldn't think about how to word the serious response.
A couple days ago I was walking around outside in the rain, and I was thinking about how much I might like to have been walking around in the rain with my boyfriend. And (as you, the asker, know) my boyfriend lives pretty far away from me like on the other side of the continent in Michigan, and we don't get to see each other a lot. I like seeing my boyfriend and it's nice to talk to him and be friends with him, but I don't want to see him all the time. I think this is the kind of thing that most romantic couples feel like, except the most obnoxious ones, but people seem to think my general reticence even from my boyfriend is a little odd (although BF seems okay with it so far).
Anyway while I was thinking about walking in the rain with my boyfriend, I was thinking about how much nicer it could have been if he lived closer to me so that we could do activities together. If he was closer and came over, I I wouldn't feel obligated to act like a "host", rather than a girlfriend who would just want to sit and relax with her boyfriend.
But like most thoughts, that was a pretty brief one, so then I was thinking while I was walking in the rain about how much I might like to go back to Japan some day. And I thought to myself, sort of offhandedly; wouldn't it be badass if I could just sit in an AirBnB for a bit in Japan and play some video games, but I was in Japan, so I was enjoying video games in Japan? And I'd have the leisure to go outside and do whatever I wanted in Japan, but I'd also have the leisure to come back and decompress from my day (in Japan)?
That was when the thought about your ask came to me, and I realized the commonality between my Japan-thought and my boyfriend-thought. Wouldn't it be nice if I had the leisure and the time in order to fully relax in my situation, instead of being expected to make the most of the situation, and logically knowing that my situation was limited in scope, so I should make the most of it?
I think as I've become an adult I've gotten used to a lot of external stimuli that I'm really sensitive to, as an autistic person. Still the differences between me and a "neurotypical" person are obvious and more vast than is immediately discerned by how I present. Sometimes there are times when I'm on a vacation and I think, I can't wait to get back to my hotel room so I can hole myself up in there and read a book or stare at the computer or hide under the covers and do nothing for several hours. Logically I know that I'm probably not the only person to feel this way, and this probably isn't an exclusive autistic experience. Anecdotally, my relatives and even some of my friends will all completely shut off from the world beyond their vacation for a few days and be completely happy with plunging themselves into this new stimulating experience immediately. I am The Weird One for slowly dipping my toes into it and then immediately needing to get back out of the pool again.
So I guess that's how I describe autism; it being taxing to enjoy a new stimulating experience when you have access to it for a brief time, but knowing your limited time to enjoy it means taxing yourself is the only option. I have the impression that that's the disabled experience in general-- deciding between taxing yourself or missing out.
