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Vampire Hookers (1978)

“I’ve made some of the greatest films ever made — and a lot of crap, too.”

I can’t think of a better quote from the man himself than this one to best describe this film. Also another notable quote: “Directors never direct me. They just turn me loose!” <— ahem, John Ford likely would have had a few words to refute that!

This movie falls easily into the utter crap category. I’d like to say the screenwriter said, “let’s take Dracula but make it worse!” but I’m not too confident there was a script beyond a rough outline. The acting is flat, the reuse of freaky mural cuts during the orgy scene is disturbing, and John Carradine feels all too self-aware he is acting way above what this movie deserves. I also wonder, when he cited Billy the Kid vs Dracula as the worst film he’d ever made, if he answered that question before he made this one! (Note to self: steel my nerves to watch Billy the Kid vs Dracula to assess that statement.)

Anyway, this is about as close to John Carradine in a self-parody as you can get. He plays a vampire (again). He quotes Shakespeare while wandering around a mausoleum (instead of wandering Hollywood Boulevard quoting Shakespearean soliloquies). Even his character’s name is literally a riff on his birth name (supposedly his eventual name change was a nod to his mentor, John Barrymore).

Rewatch factor: This was 70 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. A farting Renfield and a painfully slow orgy scene do not entertainment make. In the spirit of the film, let me offer a Shakespeare quote to summarize: “Hell is empty and all the devils are here.”… And they went to Manila to film the most irredeemable exploitation film ever.

Carradine factor: if you’re looking to fulfill this quest (like me) of seeing as many John Carradine movies as possible, then…godspeed, Good Soldier!

But there are far better campy vampire schlock movies than this. Plus he quotes Shakespeare far more in Alaska than in here! You won’t miss much beyond the horror of watching John Carradine appear in a movie beneath his dignity without much humor.