12-26-15
It’s been a good while since I sat down and decided to blog. I wish I could say it’s because I’ve been doing my own independent writing but I’ve also been neglecting my journal.
I know the holidays are usually for commercial purposes and they get people to feel all cheery just cause that’s the tradition but I like to take this time each year to reflect on how I’ve grown as a person this past year.
I finished my last fall semester at PCC and will be wrapping up my entire journey as a student there this spring. That’s nuts! I was 18 when I first enrolled and I was so lost in all aspects of my life. I had no idea why I was even going to community college, just knew it was the best place to be considering it was so hard to find a job that wasn’t some seasonal bullshit. I had no idea I would be walking away with more than just a few good grades and an above average gpa.
I walk away with a flourishing passion in English and a desire to share that passion through teaching and expression. I have found multiple outlets for my art, whether it be through visual media such as cinematography, improv-acting, poetry, short story writing, screen printing, or shit, even just discussions with strangers. I used to hate talking about politics and religion because no one could ever come to an agreement but that’s what makes each individual unique, right? You have your own experiences that shaped your views and values and I have mine. That’s what makes a discussion so magical; that’s how we get lost in the buoyancy of the conversation.
I walk away knowing myself better than I ever have. I know that sounds kinda weird like I’m looking at a mirror like, “Hey! I know you!” But I mean it in a much deeper sense. So here come the feelz.
It’s hard to find acceptance and love when you flip the tables and apply that to yourself instead of someone else. Among the quarrels of my scholastic journey, I definitely learned that I wasn’t always going to have a buddy waiting for me before and after class. There wasn’t always someone that I clicked with in each class that I could discuss the material with and honestly, most of the time I wasn’t open to that fusion with someone else. I kind of isolated myself for a little while so I could find that stability within myself.
Although help is always awesome, I think it was important for me to learn to rely on myself to get things done. When push came to shove, no one greeted me at home and asked me if I did my homework yet or studied for my exam. I didn’t have someone writing my papers for me or someone else sitting through the lectures and taking good notes for me. These were all habits I had to learn to develop so that once I knew that I wanted to transfer, I had decent enough grades to get into a school of my choice.
As I wrote my personal statements, I was forced to reflect on this journey I’ve taken as a student. I didn’t recognize the girl taking those first 3 classes but I remembered who I was then. It was an emotional rollercoaster; I had to cry to feel it out. I wrote draft after draft, shared it with friends to get some feedback, and continued to edit it. I was so over it by the time I submitted my applications. But despite the stress and struggle, I got it done and I could sit here and be proud of myself for all that I’ve accomplished. Even giving myself some credit was tough for me. It was hard to praise myself in my paper and I didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. I had to paint myself as a product and I just couldn’t see past how arbitrary that was.
And now we wait.
I most of all realized that I couldn’t have made it this far without the support I had from my friends and family. We may have had our differences as I grew up but my family and I got as close as ever this year. With the possibility of possibly moving a few hundred miles away, I can’t even imagine what I would do without them. This also includes the relationship I have with my friends. We are all on our own journeys in life and our priorities are shifting. Part of growing up is understanding that we aren’t always going to be just a phone call away or available 24/7. That just simply isn’t the case anymore. I’ve learned that friendship is a two way street and not just a one sided relationship. It’s something that has to be maintained and nurtured and it can’t just be for your own selfish needs. Sometimes simply being present and sharing a comfortable silence with someone is enough.
So as this year is coming to a close, I am blessed to have gained so much from my experiences. I recognize my growth and development and I’m fucking proud of myself. Next year will be its own beast and there is no telling who or where I will be around this time next year. It’s scary as fuck but it’s also exciting not knowing what’s next. :)