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THINKING OUT LOUD:

i feel so alone.

i think this feeling is just a feeling. and that feeling can also be subjective, depending on the context of what i mean. but i do want to acknowledge this feeling.

me moving away from home is one of the best decisions i’ve ever made. i love this chapter that im in, but i am homesick. however, i am not soo homesick that i think going home is the right solution. sometimes change is hard. sometimes the journey IS lonely. but why is finding “home” and genuine love soo hard?

i want friends.

i want friends that think of me when they wanna go out for brunch and dinner.

i want friends that think of me when they want someone to travel with.

i want friends that think of me when they wanna go on an adventure.

i want friends that think of me and my well-being.

i want friends that genuinely support me, in ways of acts of service and not simply words of affirmation.

i don’t want “friends”.

i don’t want “friends” that only think of me as a potential person they can date.

i don’t want “friends” whose ultimate ulterior motive is to have sex with me.

i don’t want “friends” who only invite me to chill in private, but never in public.

i don’t want “friends” that only want things from me without consideration of what i want.

i don’t want “friends” that only use me for my creative talents.

im choosing to think aloud bc it’s what i want to do in order to begin the manifestation process. i want to change this narrative. this shouldn’t have to be my narrative, but it is. my life experiences have changed me into a “it is what is” type of person. always rolling with the punches. and accepting trauma or difficult periods in my life, like the rings of a growing tree.

and though i may have accepted all the bad sh** that’s happened to me (bc its healthy), it doesn’t mean it has to BE my reality. so NO.

this will no longer be my narrative.

#scottediaries #thinking out loud