Doesn’t Mean Anything - for Scuttlepantsworld
Merry Christmas @scuttlepantsworld! Thank you for being so patient <3 I hope you like your present!
***
Doesn't Mean Anything
A stolen glance, that’s all it took. A smile, a soft laugh, and Anna was swept up, hook line and sinker.
She was dancing, or trying to, as the Duke of... somewhere, she couldn’t remember... flaunted around her. But Anna’s attention was on her. On that beautiful woman standing in front of the throne. Arms folded, gloved hand over gloved hand. The flickering fire lights danced across her golden crown, a perfect complement to those blue eyes.
Anna had forgotten just how blue they were. It had been so long, so many years. Surely that was all this feeling was – excitement for finally filling the void that had been her sister’s absence.
The music changed and she was finally free of the Duke’s grasp. Anna made her way back to the throne and Elsa smiled as she approached.
“How did you know I danced?” Anna asked, taking her place to Elsa’s right.
“You danced all the time when we were little.”
“I’m surprised you remembered.”
Elsa turned to her, “I remember everything about back then…” She looked forward over the ballroom but dipped her head ever so slightly.
“I remember back then, too. Playing with our dolls, going on adventures in the garden. We had lots of fun.” Anna smiled.
Elsa didn’t turn to face her, “Do you remember… what happened?”
“What do you mean?”
Before her sister could answer someone approached the throne to congratulate the newly crowned queen. Anna watched Elsa snap back into professional mode. Back straight, chin high. And just like that, the conversation was over, it was like another door closing.
Always a closed door.
Someone else came up and asked Anna for another dance. She took his hand and slipped into the crowd. Feeling solace surrounded by strangers.
***
The confrontation, the ice shards from her hand. The world slowed down. For Anna things clicked together like the final piece in a puzzle. Her heart ached for Elsa, having to be forced to keep this secret for so long.
All around her people screamed and shouted obscenities. Anna felt nothing except concern and the now overwhelming need to protect her.
Elsa fled and Anna followed.
The walls froze, the ground froze. Anna ran to the open doorway leading to the castle’s courtyard and all the fountains froze. It was the middle of summer and everything was ice.
“Elsa wait!”
But Elsa didn’t wait and Anna didn’t stop till they reached the water’s edge. Elsa went where Anna couldn’t follow, running on the water, over the fjord. If Anna wasn’t so scared for her, she would have been impressed. The further her sister ran, the more Anna’s heart ached.
Life wasn’t fair.
***
An adventure later and Anna found herself sitting in her room, the kingdom thawed, Elsa returned. All should be well.
But it wasn’t.
She brushed her hair, pausing on the right side. The blonde streak was gone. It had been there for a long as she could remember. She used to call it her little piece of Elsa because it matched what she remembered her sister’s hair to look like.
She had never dreamed, never dared to think, it was there because of Elsa, because of her magic.
That magic was raw and beautiful, another secret her parents kept, another pain both sisters had to endure. Elsa more so, but Anna felt for her. She too had spent years in isolation, Elsa existing only as a memory and a shadow under a closed door.
There were times Anna wasn’t even sure she was real.
The coronation, so many months ago, had been the first time she had seen Elsa but she was too nervous to take it all in. So when they were at the ball and Elsa spoke to her, Anna’s whole world melted.
She loved her. She knew this, but she struggled to fully understand the feelings. She had read books, men falling in love with women. Women falling in love with men. She had read stories about sisters too, but they never spoke of the feelings that Anna felt. Somehow she kept going back to those tales of romance.
But this was her sister.
Yet when Elsa was nearly struck down by Hans' sword, there was no hesitation. Anna would give her life for her, she loved her, she always had.
But this was her sister.
There was a knock on the doorframe, Anna hated closed doors and avoided having them shut at every chance she could. So what if it made rooms cold, closed doors only held secrets.
“Do you want help?”
Elsa stood in the doorway wearing a simple dress. Her bare hands were folded in front of her, one over the other, always regal and elegant.
“Sure, if you want to.”
“I would love to braid your hair, it’s the least I can do.” And there it was, the constant need to justify Anna’s sacrifice with favors. Elsa couldn’t seem to understand that Anna did it out of love and expected nothing in return.
I would die for you if you asked. I would do anything for you if you just asked.
Elsa took the hairbrush, her cool fingers briefly touching Anna’s. It caused the hairs on the back of Anna’s neck to stand up. Wordlessly Elsa started brushing Anna’s copper strands It was quiet and Anna hated it, not when her sister was this close.
“So, what do you have planned today?” Anna asked
“Nothing actually, that’s why I came looking for you.”
“For me? Why?”
“Well we haven’t spent much time together without being interrupted by queenly duties, so I thought we could do something fun.” Elsa paused, “Unless you don’t want to.”
“Yes!” she shouted. Anna reached for her hand but stopped and pulled back. Elsa noticed. Her sister still wasn’t used to touch, she had to respect that. “Sorry, yes I would love to spend the day with you.”
With just you.
“I’m trying to get better, you know,” Elsa grabbed Anna’s hand instead. “It’s just difficult, I’m not used to this.”
“I’m here for you, take all the time you need.”
Elsa smiled and Anna’s heart exploded.
***
Elsa was reading by the fire when Anna sat down next to her. Elsa wrapped one arm around her without looking up from her book. Anna nestled into her side.
“Read to me?” she asked, watching the lights dance across Elsa’s jawline.
“It’s in French, I don’t think you’ll like it,” Elsa replied, the corner of her mouth twitching upwards ever so slightly.
“I can enjoy you speaking French though.”
“Fair enough,” And Elsa read out loud words Anna didn’t understand. She loved Elsa’s cadence though, the way she moved from one word to the next. She loved the tone, so elegant sounding. And she loved Elsa above it all.
She couldn’t understand the words but it still sounded like magic. The language of love, she was told. How perfect they were cuddled here, alone in this room, in front of a fire. This was always the part in those books where the guy would confess his love to the lady and they would kiss.
What if we kissed?
Anna pushed the thought down. It had been only a few short months, Elsa slowly trusting her touch. Hand holding, hugging, sitting together, sleeping in the same bed. Each touch lingered longer, the last embrace she felt Elsa’s breath on her neck. That’s not how normal people hug, surely she can see this too.
What if we kissed?
Anna got swept up in the firelight and Elsa’s words, she leaned into the moment, decided to embrace it. She pulled back from Elsa, causing the older girl to pause and look at her. She was beautiful.
“Can I try something?” Anna asked, her voice small, almost a whisper.
Elsa leaned in as if pulled by a string, “what?”
Anna moved forward slowly till their lips met. It felt like a fire, like an explosion and she pulled back suddenly. Elsa sat unmoving, staring at her.
“I’m sorry, I should… I should go.” Anna stood to leave, Elsa grabbed her wrist.
“What was that? Why did you do that?”
Anna didn’t have an answer that she could put to words. How do you explain water crashing into shore or the wind that rustles the leaves? These things just are, and Anna just is.
“Anna, why did you do that?” Elsa asked again.
Anna yanked her arm away and ran out through the open door.
She ran to her room, slamming the door behind her. It was the first time it had been fully shut in years.
She tossed herself on her bed — the room was dark and cold. The fireplace was mostly smoldering embers. The rising moon cast long shadows that felt like bars on a cage.
Stupid.
Idiot.
Anna didn’t hear the knock, or the quiet voice calling her name through the thick wood.
***
A sleepless night gave rise to a gloomy morning. There was frost on her windows promising a chilly day. Anna walked to her balcony and threw open the doors. The damp cold of early winter curled its fingers into the room. The snow had yet to cover the ground, existing only as a dusting in the shadows.
Anna leaned on the cool railing, in the courtyard below a few people busied themselves with early morning tasks. Beyond the castle walls, chimneys exhaled steady streams of smoke. Anna took some comfort knowing life went on, that her world wasn’t just these walls anymore.
She had to talk to Elsa, she was overreacting. The kiss meant nothing, she was just tired and swept up in the moment. Anna just hoped Elsa would talk to her and that she didn’t mess up all that progress.
***
Anna expected Elsa’s door to be closed but was surprised to find it open. Even after all this time, it was still a shock seeing a door open she had spent years seeing closed. She timidly stepped into the doorway, Elsa sat in a large chair by the window, reading another book. Anna raised a hand to knock on the wood but Elsa looked up before she could.
“Hello, Anna,”
“Oh uh, hi,” Anna felt awkward, “I didn’t mean to bother you, I just uh, was wondering if you...”
Elsa smiled, it was warm and welcoming. Anna felt like the damp cold that clung to her from earlier finally let go.
“Do you remember this?” Elsa raised the novel she was holding so Anna could see. It was an older book with a maroon cover that was faded and worn. Yet, it was obviously beloved with the way Elsa carefully handled and slowly opened it back to where she was reading. Anna hadn’t seen that book in ages, not since Elsa closed that door so many years ago.
“Is that the bedtime stories book?” She asked stepped closing
“It is, I still read it from time to time, especially when I miss them.” Elsa ran her hand gently across the page, her fingertips just barely touching the paper. “This book brought me a lot of comfort, I don’t know where I would be without it.”
Anna was standing next to the chair now, “You had it this whole time?”
Elsa looked up at her then opened her arm, inviting Anna to join her in the chair. Anna hesitated for a moment before sitting down. Her whole body was stiff. Elsa noticed.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Anna lied
“Is this about last night?”
Anna sighed, “Yes, listen I’m really sorry, I don’t know--”
Elsa placed a hand on her shoulder, “It’s alright, it was late, you were tired, it was just a peck on the lips. It didn’t mean anything.”
It didn’t mean anything.
Then why did it feel like everything? And why did that comment feel like someone stabbed her?
“Right,” Anna agreed, once again pushing those thoughts down. “I just thought you would be mad.”
“No, not at all, I was just… surprised, that’s all.” As if to prove a point she moved her hand from Anna’s shoulder and pulled her into an embrace and quickly let her go again. “See? Just like that was a surprise.”
Anna forced a laugh and Elsa bought it.
“I have a meeting this afternoon but I’m free till then, would you like me to read you a few of these stories?” And Elsa launched into one of the various tales before Anna could answer.
“You promise you’re not mad?” Anna asked again after Elsa finished the short story.
“I promise, please stop worrying about it,” She closed the book and carefully set it aside,
“I just don’t want things being weird, that’s all,”
“Things won’t be weird. Here,” She leaned in and kissed Anna on the forehead. “See? It means nothing.”
Maybe to you.
***
“You know, I was thinking,” Anna said, they sat once again on the couch in the library by the fire.
“Always a dangerous task,” Elsa mused
Anna made a face, “I’m being serious,” she paused till Elsa finally looked up at her. “You said the kiss was no big deal, and you showed it was no big deal but you only kissed my forehead, that’s not equal.”
“I guess you’re right,” Elsa put her book down and pulled her closer, that safe feeling swelled up inside Anna again once she was wrapped in Elsa’s arms. Anna felt her sigh into her hair.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, just thinking about tomorrow’s meetings,” Elsa answered, she was as close as she could be to Anna but her voice sounded far off.
“Well let’s play a game to distract you.”
“What did you have in mind?” Elsa loosened her arms so Anna could sit back, but Anna didn’t move.
“It’s like a game of chicken, only you tell me when to stop.”
“I don’t think I underst--”
Anna kissed Elsa’s forehead and the older woman went quiet and still except for the grin across her face. That was a good sign.
Anna kissed her temples, her cheekbones, her nose, her jaw, her chin.
She paused, hovering just over Elsa’s lips. Elsa’s eyes were open, watching her. She was breathing harder than normal, her chest rising and falling like waves on the shore.
“Do it,” she breathed, her voice low and husky sounding.
And Anna leaned in slowly till their lips met and she lost control of the ship she had been steering. Elsa took the helm, grabbing Anna’s face on either side and deepening the kiss to something Anna had only ever read about.
She felt like she was floating, she lost all track of time, all she could do was mirror the blonde’s actions till she wasn’t sure where she ended and where Elsa began.
Finally, Elsa pulled back and Anna too was pulled back to reality.
“See? Doesn’t mean anything,” Elsa said, she was breathing harder now.
Anna felt dazed, she struggled to catch her breath. How could that now mean anything that it was everything? She opened her mouth to say something but Elsa was there again and away Anna drifted.
“None of this means anything,” Elsa said as she pulled back and started kissing down Anna’s neck. In the distance, the library door slammed shut. Anna thought she heard the twinkling of ice crystals looking at it but it was hard to tell anything beyond what was happening right in front of her.
Elsa guided her backward so Anna was lying on the couch as she captured her lips once again. A hand found its way to shore and all Anna saw was white.
***
The early morning sun was a cruel and unforgiving beast—it cut a harsh beam of light right across Anna’s eyes, waking her from her sleep. But the sun never did this in her room. She opened her eyes slowly, blinking a few times. She wasn’t in her room; she was still in the library, on the floor in front of the now smoldering fire.
All at once, she was suddenly aware of her nakedness. She pulled the throw blanket up to her chin and tipped her head back to look at the door. It was indeed sealed with Elsa’s ice; no one could make it through that without breaking the door.
Wait, Elsa.
Anna glanced down to find Elsa curled up away from her, still asleep. Her bare back rose and fell softly with each breath. The younger woman took a moment to just watch her, she was so pale yet also so beautiful.
Anna rolled back over onto her back and covered her eyes with her arm. Surely last night had to mean something. At least to Anna, it meant everything. The passion, the fire. She had never felt like that before, it was a high, a rush. Just thinking about it made her crave it all over again.
She rolled over and reached out a hand, touching Elsa’s back between her shoulder blades. Her skin was cool and smooth.
“I love you so much, Elsa,” Anna whispered. There was a sudden sharp exhale and muscle twitch. Anna retracted her hand immediately.
“Good morning Anna,” came Elsa’s voice.
Elsa didn’t roll over, she instead raised a hand and waved it through the air. And just like that her back was no longer bare. Anna felt even more shame in her nakedness now as she was the only one.
“Your dress is over there, go ahead and get changed, I won’t look,” Elsa said still without turning over.
Anna stood and quickly padded over to where her dress lay, discarded, and pulled it on. She wasn’t sure why Elsa felt the need to say she wasn’t watching, she had already seen everything and then some last night.
“Alright, I’m decent your majesty,”
Elsa rose from the floor in one fluid motion. She quickly glanced at Anna then at the frozen door. With a flick of her wrist, the ice dissipated.
“I’ll see you in the hall for breakfast.” It was cold and emotionless. And then she was gone, leaving Anna alone and confused.
***
Elsa had been distant since that night. Speaking only to Anna at meals and only a few words about nothing. They sat at opposite ends of the long table, Anna could barely see her. The Queen had closed the doors to the library and her room again. It had been countless weeks at this point, the winter was in full swing, cold winds, large snowdrift. Everyone was forced to stay inside. Elsa couldn’t avoid her forever.
Anna decided to confront her sister so they could talk this out and move past it. No more doors anymore. Yet when she rounded the corner she saw the library door open. When she got close she saw Elsa was inside sitting at her desk, papers neatly stacked in various piles.
“Hello Anna, I was hoping you would stop by today,” Elsa said, flatly, completely emotionless. The air wasn’t the only cold thing in the room.
“Uh, hi. I think we need to talk,” Anna walked towards the desk but Elsa held up her hand, stopping her halfway. Now that she was closer she could see the dark circles under Elsa’s eyes and hallowed hollowed cheeks. She was stressed and not sleeping. At least Anna wasn’t alone there.
“We do,” She pulled out a piece of thick paper. “You need to leave, we can’t do this.”
Anna was caught off guard. “What do you mean we can’t do this?”
“You know exactly what I mean. I’m not like you, Anna.” Elsa placed the paper down in front of her.
“What are you talking about?”
Elsa’s eyes narrowed. “That night, you kept saying over and over you loved me, and I thought it was just you caught up in the moment of foolishness but you repeated it sober the next morning.”
“But, I do love you!” The air between them was different, it felt like a sinking ship.
“I found you a suitor in France, he seems like a nice man, a French Nobleman with a lot of land. You leave tomorrow at first light.”
A gut punch, Anna nearly fell over. “Elsa you can’t be serious, France? I don’t even speak French, YOU speak French. Why are you doing this?”
“He’s a nice man and he’s not from the southern isles. I at least did that for you.” She took out a pen and dipped the tip in her inkwell.
Anna couldn't believe this was happening, this is not how this talk was supposed to go. Surely this was some bad dream. “You think you’re doing me a favor? Sending me away?”
“Yes,” was Elsa’s simple response.
“Why can’t you just love me, why can’t you let me stay?”
“I do love you, but I can’t love you the way you want me to. You can't stay here, I will not let you stay here. You're being selfish and not thinking of the kingdom. I have my duties here, my obligations. I need to start looking for a husband, I need to produce an heir. You need to rise to your station and get married as well.” Elsa signed the paper.
Anna’s world came crashing down around her. “You don’t need a husband! And France is so far, when will I see you again?"
“I do, I unlike you it seems, like men.” Elsa might as well have shot an icicle through her heart. “As for seeing me again? Likely you won’t.”
“Elsa this isn’t fair,”
“Life isn’t fair Anna, it just is and we deal with it,”
Anna folded her arms across her chest, “Then I refuse to go,”
“Anna, I’m telling you to go but I can force you if I have to,”
“I’ll run away,”
Elsa sighed, “No you won’t”
“How do you know that?!?” Anna shouted now, she was failing at hiding her emotions and she was beyond upset.
“Because you said you love me, and you wouldn’t hurt me like that.”
“But you’re hurting me,”
“I’m doing what I have to do, I’m the Queen, Anna, I have to make hard choices.”
Anna had enough, she turned to go but felt compelled to say one last thing, “I can’t believe you, after everything, this is your response?”
“You’ll be at sea for two weeks at the most. He’ll meet you at the port, you can take a trunk and a bag, safe travels princess Anna.” Elsa replied, just as emotionless before, she moved the paper aside and started writing on another. Completely dismissing her sister.
She slammed the door so hard the family portrait in the hallway fell off the wall, the frame breaking into splitters. Anna didn’t care, they weren’t family, not to her anymore.
***
The sea was rough, but it was nothing like watching Arendelle vanish over the horizon. If Anna hadn’t felt so numb she would have been sick. That was her home, her whole world, and now it was nothing more than a spec. A spec she would never return to. Elsa didn’t even see her off, she had walked to the ship alone, flanked by guards.
And it was her fault, she pushed too far, she crossed that line. Don’t touch the fire or you’ll get burned and Anna had grabbed the hot embers.
The journey was long, the men reeked. Unshaven, sweaty, they spent most nights drinking stale beer and singing songs. They loved the sea and their crew. Anna never joined them, she had no more love to give, no joy to share, no story to tell.
When land came into view again she briefly thought they had somehow made it back to her kingdom. Her former kingdom. But the port was busy and unfamiliar, even at this distance.
“Are yee excited lass?” a sea-worn sailor had asked her.
“Yes, a new beginning, I am very blessed,” Anna answered flatly. She didn’t sound like herself, a stranger was talking through her.
The French Nobleman met her at the port, he offered his hand to help her off the ship. He said his name but Anna didn’t hear. The moment she set foot in this strange new country, was the moment reality came crashing down on her. All she heard was a loud buzzing.
The carriage ride to the French man’s estate was filled with him telling her about his life and his family. He spoke in a language she understood but he might as well not have as she heard none of it, she just smiled politely and nodded when it seemed right to do so. The landscape outside the windows passed by in a blur.
How could she do this?
Finally, they arrived and she was shown to her room. They were to be married in a few days, but till then this is where she would sleep. He closed the door behind him and left her to settle in. A different Anna would have cared about the door being shut. This hollow shell pretending to be Anna didn’t give the door a second thought. Her trunk was already at the foot of her bed, her bag placed neatly in a rocking chair by the window. This room would be the nursery when the time came. She remembered him saying that.
The thought of that process with him made her feel sick. The sea and the distance was nothing compared to the thought of having to sleep with a stranger and give birth to his children. Destroying her body for his legacy. What did it matter in the end? Her heart was broken, her world shattered. Might as well add her body to the list of broken things.
She moved to her trunk and undid the latches, deciding she might as well get comfortable and unpack a few things. When she opened the lid, however, she saw a worn and faded maroon-colored book. She hadn’t packed this. The sight of it brought forth strange feelings that she couldn’t quite place or latch onto.
She reached in and lifted the old book. She opened it and saw the handwritten note written on the bottom of the page.
Sorry will never mend the wound, but I hope in time you will come to forgive me. Perhaps when you have, you can return this book to me. Till then I wish you well.
Sincerely, Elsa.
Anna wasn’t sure how long she sat staring at the neat script at the bottom of the page. But the sun at long since sat by the time she did. At some point, a servant must have come in and started a fire in the hearth as it now blazed and warmed the room.
She stood and walked towards the roaring flames, they lapped at the logs with greedy hands. Her door opened, it was the French Nobleman again, he wanted her to join him for dinner and was there to escort her himself.
“What is that?” he asked, pointing to the book in Anna’s hands, his accent thick and heavy.
“Just something that shouldn’t be here,” she answered, dry, emotionless.
Anna threw the book into the fire.
-end-
