just a little low today .
I’m feeling a little low. I miss my daughter, I haven’t seen her in a couple weeks since the accident and honestly I probably could reach out a bit more. You just don't understand how painful it is to see her for a couple hours and have to leave.. or to see her on a video call for a few minutes and hear her start to cry when its time to hang up. It literally eats me alive. I feel like such a failure as a person and I don’t know why. I just feel like everyone's constantly disappointed in me and thinks I should be doing better. I care so much and deeply for the people around me, I’m generous and giving and affectionate and happy. Why is everyone so quick to tear me down.. a few in particular. Someone said to me the other day that I always jump to assume the worst. Maybe that’s true, but why? Probably because I'm so used to people walking out, and giving up on me. “people always leave” something I used to live by. I am always waiting for when the next and new is gonna walk out. I cant seem to shake that mental setting in myself for some reason. Looking back and reflecting on my self and my ways for the last 5 months, I think I’ve come a long way.. along with a few setbacks and also a big fuck up. All things considered I do firmly believe I’ve improved myself. I just wish other people felt the same way. For some reason that’s really important to me. I will get there, the place where I want to be. I know I will. I'm with someone new and one of my favorite things about being with him is that he makes me want to be a better person, and have a better life. He’s overcome a lot in his life and it inspires me quite honestly. It reminds me that I’m one of the strongest people I know. I'm going through things right now, but I’ve been through worse. I’ve been fighting through chaos my entire life and I’m still here, fighting. I wont stop until I get the life I want. Sometimes I get distracted and veer off my path a but but I’ll always find my way back. I just need someone who can be patient with me and have enough faith in me to know my intentions are good and that I will be okay, Someone to stand by me, through the good and bad. Someone to be strong with me, not for me. Someone who wont get scared away my the chaos and embrace the success with me. Someone to pride me on my good efforts and my accomplishments. I want for a change, someone to see the good in me.. and help me feel the good in me again.
