Mar 12, 2018
Self Awareness.
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Self Awareness.
Read the comic here:
http://chubbywarrior.smackjeeves.com/
"inconvenience is temporary; improvement is permanent"
Addiction Anonymous.
I'm surrounded by addicts. I've witnessed addiction to alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, possession, faith, even fitness. Not all addictions are necessarily bad, despite it being exactly what it is. I witness the highs, the withdrawals, the relapses, the setbacks, everything pedaling away seemingly endlessly.
I would always be relieved that I would never be in any of those situations. I'm not much of a drinker, I know my limits with drugs, I've never avidly taken risks for an easy way out, I've become a spiritual minimalist, I am open minded, and I am healthy which is what matters. After being relieved of not being invested in those vices, I had an unsettling realization that I do have an addiction. Maybe an addiction that is far worse than any of those things. Its an addiction that is indefinite. I'm addicted to love.
I can't look at people without analyzing everything about them. I find personalities can either enhance or destroy a persons physical appearance. I get along with most people, but its hardly a natural instinct, thats why I tend to be shy at first. I can learn to platonically love everyone. Forcing a connection feels like a waste of time. When I do fall in love, I fall hard.
The beginning is the best high and every part of me becomes invested to manifest the love into being mutual. I've been heartbroken countless times, fallen out of excellence, reminisced of how amazing the experience was, and then fell back again as it pedaled away seemingly endlessly. I'm very self aware, but I continue to self destruct anyway.
I don't like casually dating someone who I don't think is worth something in the end. I don't like to waste time, which is why I've over compensated for time and rushed too quickly. I just never want to be too late. No matter the case, I'm always in love for a reason. The worst feeling is not feeling at all.
I've learned from every experience and have come being more practical in general. I now am aware of my natural flow and now to let things flow.. naturally. I just love the feeling of loving. This is my rehabilitation.
My name is Raeesah, and I'm addicted to love.
(written July 3rd, 2012)