#self-analysed

[lupineoracle-2]

the explanation behind 'what I took and what is taken' poem

wow it's a poem about how inhuman I perceive myself as fork found in kitchen. However, there's a little more to it - what I took is also about my considerable history of being stuck in a cycle. Cycle of depression, abuse, trauma.. list goes on.

The cycle aspect comes into my daily life too - stagnancy is a theme present in a lot of my poems and life, the stagnancy borne of a daily routine that eventually one needs to switch up. If I do not switch up a daily routine, actually, I end up developing really unhealthy sleep patterns and stuff,, which is interesting in its own regard.

'to love and be loved and so burn it down' and the ensuing lines are (more or less) summarising and paraphrasing one of the abuse cycles I suffered as a kid. I would build a 'bridge' of understanding to either parent and wait for a fight to happen (which was often) or intentionally weather down the connection to see if it would withstand conflict. It actually wouldn't most of the time, hence 'burn it down'. and the ensuing lines.

also, points out a small bit of my consistent want for revenge - while I am trying to water that down it does.. take over from time to time...

the inhuman-ness is barely visible but still there - the only comparisons I make of myself are to animals.

[lupineoracle-2]

explaining things behind my poem 'best til last'

So this was fueled by a middle of the night hatred for how much my mother used to tell me 'don't wear your special clothes around the house!' (special clothes referring to my formal stuff that i get great gender euphoria from.) That, and also the phrase of saving the best til the last, such as waiting to eat the 'best' food on the plate.

the reason I hate it so much is because of how, additionally, the 'preservation' of such things unintentionally (or intentionally) fuels the idea of some sort of 'perfection' - which I also loathe a bit, because that perfection makes so many feel hopeless. so, in spite of that, i wrote this.

'to leave something (begging to be used)' - that verse is partially about me (and people around me (my parents)) saying 'oh I'll get around to that later' and eventually leaving a lot of guilt, time, and worry expended in the idea/thoughts about the idea, that go nowhere and end up fruitless because of nothing actually happening (thanks to pathological demand avoidance yay/sarc). It's also about my own anthropomorphising(?) of objects and how I feel guilty for giving them life and leaving them to waste.

The thing about death being inevitable, and use it before it's gone - I live on a very day-to-day basis, especially since recovering from my depressive period (in which I lived assuming I would kill myself the next day, or I would die the next day) and instead of focusing on the death of it, I started focusing on the life, and enjoying the life of it, and the experience. It's been rather beautiful, honestly.

Umm the 'children of changing choices' is a point to how society is ever-fluid, it's beautiful in that way, but uh it's kinda a reference-ish to how we aim to preserve what once was, but it just.. shows how fluid we, as people, are.

I don't know if this actually makes sense but it is one of my poems I enjoy reading and am proud of, so I've tried my best! There's more to this poem, but I think that can be left to interpretation!