Im gonna start writing on here about my experience(s) with EMDR therapy. I’m going to be tagging them all with “EMDR” and I’ll (of course) put appropriate trigger warnings. But yeah I just started EMDR and I know theres not a ton of written firsthand experiences so I thought I’d just do this for those looking into it and for myself to track how I’m feeling about it each week. TW: mental illness, depression, anxiety, therapy, self-image issues, body issues, fat phobia, fat shaming
Today was my first day of EMDR therapy. I was pretty excited to start because it’s new for me and I am a psychology nerd and also I want to feel better. My therapist, Ethan, explained that the first session is taking a history and figuring out what I want to focus on. He asked me some background questions to make sure EMDR is right for me and then he started asking me about what I wanted to focus on. I said that I wanted to focus on the distress and panic I feel as a result of hating myself. He asked me for a recent example of a time when this occurred. I chose today when I was walking from work to therapy and a group of guys walked by and I thought “god they must thing I’m fucking disgusting. I’m so gross”. He then asked me what other events I associate with that one. My mind (pretty unexpectedly) jumped back to elementary school and I told him about how I really developed my social anxiety then as a result of none of the girls liking me because I wasn’t pretty or skinny or blonde. He then asked me what thoughts I associate with these events. I basically blurted out “I hate myself”. Then he asked me what the worst event related to hating myself was (in my entire life). I struggled with that because there are so many moments. I chose when S (I’m not going to use her full name here) and I started talking mmore and more in college and I got the impression that she was interested romantically. When I showed some interest she told me she “didn’t do relationships”. I later found out that is pretty true but at the time (and even now) I am convinced that if I was pretty and exciting and not so needy, she would maybe show me interest back. He then asked me what people, places, and things trigger these self-hating episodes in me. I said that a lot of things do but my top triggers are my sister, eating, when I get winded/show physical exertion, and when I’m meeting new people. He then asked me to tell him about a space I feel safe and comfortable in. I told him my bedroom. He asked why and I said because I’m alone there and my bedside desk has my crystals and essential oils and I am surrounded by things that are important to me. We closed by him telling me to picture my room and my bed and my crystals. He told me that I had a great session today and I worked on some tough stuff that I’ve previously shied away from. Overall, I felt the session went well in terms of me really focusing on hard stuff. There were many moments when I was about to cry and I have only ever cried once in front of him in the past few months that I’ve been in therapy. It was really hard. My self hatred is one thing that I really hate to talk about. We both acknowledged that I’m good at distracting myself and him during my sessions with talk about work and family when my self image is really a huge problem that is laying underneath the surface. I’m looking forward to starting to actually do the therapy and try to feel better.